What If

Ben Thomas: [From trailer] I did something really bad once and I'm never gonna be the same! 

Emily Posa: Do you wanna play a game? 
Ben Thomas: What game? 
Emily Posa: The "what if" game.

From the movie Seven Pounds

Kyla and I watched Seven Pounds tonight.  I thought it was just fair as the credits began to roll, but here I am several hours later sitting in a dark living room thinking about it.  It has caused me to ask myself a couple of questions.  Why do we have such a difficult time forgiving ourselves?  How far would we really go to make things right?  How far can we go?  Why do we let ourselves be controlled by guilt?  Why, when all other emotions fail, are we so often left with anger?  Why are we so willing to live a life defined by grief?  

Do you wanna play a game?  What if we understood and accepted who we are in Christ?  What if we really believed that we can do nothing and just had faith that it had already been taken care of for us?  What if we accepted the life given for us and everyday chose to live in the freedom it provided?  What if we felt less entitled and more generous and grateful?  What if we were controlled by praise and left with joy?  What if we were willing to give up ourselves and live in submission to love?  What if we were blind to guilt and shame and anger and chose instead to see provision and grace and mercy?

  

Out Of Aces

It's been a frustrating several days for me.  I haven't been able to fly but once in the last two weeks and it looks like it's going to be a least another several days before I can again.  That tends to make me feel like I'm getting nowhere.  We've had some things break around the house lately too, mower, dishwasher, leaky shower, things like that.  I feel like I'm behind.  Stuck a little.

I'm not supposed to be doing these things.  I should be so much further by now.  I feel like I'm going nowhere and doing nothing.  I really feel like I have nothing to offer right now.  I think that may be how I'm supposed to feel.  I think God has been intentional about bringing me to this place. Over the last several months I've been ok missing the occasional quiet time, I think it's because I felt like I was getting stuff done.  When I didn't make time for God I excused it by saying, "look at all I got done.  You put me on this path and I'm making progress."  I know better than to think accomplishment could ever replace relationship.  Or I thought I did.  I've found myself wanting more of God these last few days.  I have nothing else to offer, so I plead the cross.  I surrender to grace.  

I heard The Gambler on the radio yesterday and the line, "I can see your out of aces".  Seemed like it came straight from God.  There is nothing for me to offer, I am holding nothing of value.  I never have.  In that moment I decided to lay down all I have and just plead the cross.  I folded, and in doing so I went all in.  

Kill me, now

I've got a lot going on tonight.  I've been blown away  lately by God's grace and mercy.  I got involved in a little Free Will v. Predestination discussion a few days ago and I think God's used it to point over and over again to his Grace.  He's reminded me of how he pursued me, saved me, redeemed and justified me.  Today I read the first several chapters of John's Gospel, it uses the word all about four times in the first few verses.  It also uses the phrase "grace upon grace".  I'm pretty sure God isn't doing this to remind assure me I'm right in my defense of free will, I'm sure it's the opposite.  My defense of free causing me to focus on grace.  I'm done trying to defend a position, I just keep hearing God say, "I love you.  Look what I did for you.  Look at the lengths I went to just to make you mine.  I bring light and hope and rest".

I think I might be getting lonely, spiritually lonely.  It's not that I work a weird shift now and don't get to see the people I love as often as I used to, it's not missing church or conversation or community - I don't think.  I've read and thought a lot about some of the people in the Bible that went through times of isolation to prepare them for the work they had been called to do.  I don't think flying is anything like preparing the way for Jesus, I just think this may be a time that God is using to deal with me on a more personal level.  I want it, but it scares the shit out of me.  I have no more defenses - the walls have come down.  I feel naked in my depravity before a holy and righteous God.  I'm exposed, suddenly and completely aware of all I am - all I'm not.    

In my my last blog I posted a quote from Matt Chandler about how God seeks to destroy anything in us that isn't of him.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about it - to stop wanting it.  I heard this Caedmon's call song in the car on the way home tonight and I again found myself exposed - in true broken worship of the God who redeemed me.

Of all the duties I have done.  I quit the hopes I held before. Now, for the loss I bear his name, What was my gain I count my loss.  My former pride I call my shame, and nail my glory to His cross.  Yes, and I must, I will esteem all things but loss for Jesus' sake.  O may my soul be found in Him.  No more my God, I boast no more. 

All I've done and hoped and gained, I count as loss for Jesus sake.  I want nothing more than to kill every part of me that isn't totally of and consumed and in service to Him.  No more my God, I boast - I lie - I lust - I covet - I fail - I rebel - I resist no more.  I want it done, and I want it done now.  I'm tired and I don't think I can carry it any longer.  In moments like these I'm reminded of the last words of our Savior uttered under the full burden of our sin, "It is finished".  

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,

Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.

Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground

And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

There is rest.  The process, for me, is difficult and often I resist it with all that I have left, but I find the more of me that is destroyed the more alive I feel.  I have to decrease so that he can increase.  Without his great mercy there is only death and guilt and shame.  In his grace there is light and hope and rest.  And I weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

Abounding Grace

18 So then as through one transgression there resulted condemnation to all men, even so through one act of righteousness there resulted justification of life to all men. 19 For as through the one man’s disobedience the many were made sinners, even so through the obedience of the One the many will be made righteous. 20 The Law came in so that the transgression would increase; but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, 21 so that, as sin reigned in death, even so grace would reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

For some time now this has been my favorite passage in all of scripture. Not just because verse 18 makes a pretty decent argument for free will, but because it (v18) provides hope and because 20 and 21 are my story. During the darkest times in my life I've found God right there with me. I have run from his love and he has pursued me. I often wondered how it was that the dirtier I got the closer he seemed to get. It seemed the faster I ran from him the more fervently he pursued me. In the face of an angry and deliberate rebellion God showed only mercy and love. Why was that my experience? Because that's how it works. Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more.

I've been persuaded lately to read some Matt Chandler. He's no Isaiah, but he's not bad. He grabbed hold of every part of me and has absolutely ruined me for anything but Him. The process of sanctification has been and still is quite often a very difficult one. No one told me (or maybe they did) that Jesus wanted my heart. I thought there was going to be some behavior modification and some new friends but I didn’t understand how aggressively, ruthlessly and passionately He was going to search and destroy in me anything that wasn’t of Him. Nor did I understand how dark my heart truly was and how out of fear, pride and arrogance I would argue, complain and resist almost every advance of the Holy Spirit to reconcile every part of my being into holiness.I'm convinced this is what has been going on in my life. The process for me, up until now, has been quite painful. I have come to understand just how dark my heart is, and I think through my pain and anger god exposed those things in me that needed killing. I have complained and resisted most of what he has done, but his grace is ruthless and his blood is powerful. I don't think I've fully surrendered my heart to him (I'm sure I'll ever be able to) but I know now that he won't take anything less. I know that there is little I can do to stop it now. It's still painful at times, but I'm confident in his grace, I know I can't out sin him. Where sin increases, grace abounds all the more.
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So you know

It occurs to me tonight that I haven't talked much about what I believe when it comes to specific ideals.  I'm not going to take a long time and get into detailed arguments about why I think the way I do, I'm just going to lay it out there so you know the lens I'm looking (and writing) through. 

I believe the Bible is the perfect, inerrant word of God.  Perfectly preserved over two thousand years and given to us exactly as God intended us to have it.  I believe it to be the first and last word in all things.  

I believe Jesus was and is the son of God, the messiah.  I believe he is exactly who and what he claims to be.  I believe he walked this earth as God and yet was completely man.  I believe he went to the cross willingly and in perfect submission to will of the Father out of an unstoppable love for all of man.  I believe in dying he killed our sin and in resurrecting he defeated death.  I believe a faith in him is the only way to heaven.  

I'm not sure what the technical terminology for it is, but I believe it's the Holy Spirit working in you that first draws you to God, I believe it's God revelation of himself to you that allows you to make the first step towards him.  I believe in that first step you are saved and the Holy Spirit is with you.  I believe it happens at the same time, I believe that because it seems to me that without the Holy Spirit you could never find the strength to take the second step.  

While I believe it takes a move of God to draw us to him, I also believe we have it in us to deny him.  I think we were chosen in our creation and I believe Christ went to the cross for all of us, I believe God meant it when he said it wasn't his will that any should perish. I haven't read a bunch of fancy books on the topic, but I have read the Bible - all of it.  I have a hard time understanding how it is that God knew who would reject him and still saw fit to create them.  I don't know how you can say he gives everybody a chance if he already knows who won't take it, but I accept that the finite can never understand the infinite.  Nothing I've read in the Bible points to a God who creates a person destined to hell.  I believe that God takes his glory very seriously and I believe he is going to do the thing that glorifies him the most - I believe allowing his creation the freedom to deny him brings him glory when they freely choose him.  I have done my best to walk with God for the better part of 21 years, in that time I have lived the Christian life.  It's been real and dirty and difficult  - and the most joyfully freeing experience I can imagine.  I have hurt and ran and rebelled and God has always been in pursuit of my heart.  God has caught me - captured me.  He has done that because he has never forsaken me.  How can I claim that promise for myself and believe it isn't for everyone?  The Bible says whosoever believes - that includes you.  I believe it to be all inclusive.

I guess I'm technically an eternal security guy.  I've always believed that there is nothing you can do loose your salvation.  However, the more I see of the world and the more I think about the way salvation works, the more I believe you can willingly surrender your salvation.  The Bible talks about people trading truth for lies, the only way to trade the truth is to know it.  It seems to me that if you come to a point you can deny God then you've traded the truth you once accepted for lies, and in that case I think it may be possible to forfeit the salvation that truth provides.

I believe God is just and righteous and holy.  I believe he is love and mercy and grace.  I believe he is sovereign and powerful and tender.  He is all things good.  I believe that we, all of us, are his children created by him to spend eternity with him.  I believe sin is powerful and Satan is real.  I believe Jesus is victorious and death and Satan have been defeated.  I believe there is life and freedom in total surrender to the God who rescued us.  I believe heaven is a real, psychical place. I know that, if we allow it, the cross is powerful and grace sufficient enough to overcome all that binds us and see us safely home.   

Instruments

I've been thinking a lot lately about my first flight in real instrument conditions.  It was a really weird experience for me.  It was about learning to unlearn what I'd spent a lifetime learning.  If that makes sense.  The problem with flying in instrument conditions is you have no visual reference points and your body tells you all sorts of crazy stuff.  It becomes difficult to tell which way is up.  I found myself flying in tight banks with the nose down without even knowing it.  You really should be able to feel something like that.  It's almost like your body has so little to go on that it makes up things that aren't real.  I found myself sort of creating horizons to fly at.  I don't care how good you are, there is no way to fly in those conditions without your instruments.  The problem is, looking at an instrument panel for six hours is really boring.  I'd be flying along just fine and get the urge to look out the widow for a while and the next thing you know I'm spiraling toward the ground.  Someone once told me I didn't have a bad experience, I had the wrong experience.  I think that's probably a good way to describe what happens when you try to fly in the clouds based on what you feel and see.

I do the same thing with God.  I've spent a lot of time here telling you how I experience God and what that says about him.  I think most of it is probably valid, I love stories and I believe God is there in those stories - healing, teaching, comforting, revealing.  I haven't spent much time telling you what I've found the Bible to say about God.  That scares me a little.  I've been scooting along here in the clouds with only occasional glances at the instrument.  

When you're instrument flying you have to trust what they say.  You have to learn to ignore what you think you know, everything your mind tells you to be correct, and fly based on what the instruments tell you is true.  The analogy kind of breaks down here because flight instruments sometimes fail and the Bible never does, there has to be a balance.

The plane I took that flight in is pretty old and going through the clouds and rain one of the windows leaked a little and I could feel the cold and water down my arm.  It made the experience real.  It was one of the most memorable moments of my life, not because the instruments were nice to read, but because the experience was real.  At the same time, I probably would have died had the instruments not been there.  I guess I'm saying; dare to fly, live in the clouds, revel in the experience, just make sure and check the gauges.              

 

Prepare

The Word of the Lord came one evening
Concerning His bride's great sin
He'd send down His Word to renew her
To prepare for the Bridegroom again
The Word said repent
From seeking vain glories
While the gifts in the Lord's name you give
Repent of all the first stones cast to kill
While your own self-righteousness lives

Prepare ye the way for the Lord
Prepare ye the way for the kingdom

Caedmon's Call

I came here tonight to prepare. I haven't been to church or had any real quiet time in several weeks and I feel dirty. I feel disconnected - forgotten. I don't know what I expected to happen, I know better than to think God would be waiting here for me just because I felt like I needed him to be. I've sat here in silence for exactly 40 minutes just waiting for something to happen. I didn't know what it would take to prepare for Easter like I wanted, but I know I didn't want to walk into church on Sunday and, on the one day I'm able to be there, not be able to worship through my filth. After some time here in the dark alone I found myself singing this Caedmon's Call song. I'm again amazed by the simplicity of the way God moves. I find myself in the middle of confession and repentance like I've experienced few times in my life. I've heard repentance defined as making a change for the better in response to brokenness over one's sin.

I'm not sure what kind of change I'll be able to make. I'm sure it won't look life changing at first, but I wonder what it would look like to live without fear. Fear of what my sin makes me - fear of what my depravity drives me to become. I've found the latter to be the most crippling lately. A new found understanding and acceptance of grace helps to relieve the fear and guilt associated with past sins, but I'm starting to think a poor understanding of mercy leads me to fear what I may become. I'm probably totally off, this is feeling not scripture based, but I think it's grace that sets us free and mercy that continually revives us so we have the strength to live here.

It's funny how when one layer of weakness and fear is peeled away it often reveals another. Several Sundays ago I came face to face with God's grace. Tonight, in this place I've encountered His mercy. It's mercy that frees me to live. To fly, to love, and to laugh.

Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song,
The joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue.
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast.

Without Thy sweet mercy, I could not live here.
Sin would reduce me to utter despair,
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own
In the covenant love of Thy crucified Son.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine. -Caedmon's Call

Smoke & Ash

I didn't intend to write tonight. I don't have anything to say, but I found myself sitting here just staring at the screen. I clicked on the Daily Bible reading. I read Deuteronomy 8 and it became clear why I'm here - I'm here to remember. My new job has me working every Sunday, and I'm starting to feel disconnected. I expected to recall all the great things God has done for me, I did, but I didn't stay there long.

My mind keeps running through several experiences I've had in the last couple of days. Reminders of what I'm connected to. I smoked a cigar with my best friend a little while ago. Just he and I. We sat on his back porch and talked our way through a couple of great cigars. I remember leaning back in my chair as I exhaled and watching the smoke escape in the night breeze. A couple of dark clouds silhouetted by the moon moved quickly by in the opposite direction. I remember not being able to decided where I loved to be more - here in the smoke or there in the clouds. My daughter couldn't sleep tonight, so went into her room, picked her up, and sang to her in the dark. It was one of the sweetest moments of my life. I already know - it won't be like this for long.

My favorite blogger, in his last two posts, has written about pastors and fathers. Both are difficult subjects for me now. My pastor, up until a few weeks ago, was one of my best friends. He was a close friend who happened to speak at the church I go to. It was simple, until he brought a message that altered the foundation of how I believe. I'm not sure he could have done that as just a friend. As my pastor he changed, inspired, and ignited me. The single greatest influence in my life has been my father. He's gone now. I remember how he smiled - what he loved - how he lived. Memories of what we had, of what was lost. Fire and ash.

It's raining outside my window now. I love listening to the rain. My father did - I bet my daughter will.

What I Got

It started last night with Psalms 66.

10 For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
11 You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
12 you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.

I really feel like I've lived these verses the last couple of years. I've talked a lot about my pain and confusion during what was a very spiritually trying time. I'm sure I sound like I've got some sort of victim complex, I really don't think I do. It's just who I've been (spiritually) lately. For instance, I'm moved by the Casting Crowns song about praising God in the Storm. It just feels like my story or what I want my story to be. Psalms 66 is a Psalm I would traditionally like, I like and connect to the idea of being brought out of trial. I'm comforted knowing there is biblical precedence for God-induced suffering. The problem I had with this Psalms yesterday is the word abundance - I have zero money. I've taken a job that if it pays the bills it will be just barely, and I've done this to pursue and career in a field that all but guarantees volatility, instability, difficulty, and more than it's share of lean years. I know I live in America where we all live in relative abundance, but I'm talking about taking care of my family in our current situation. A real - working - American abundance we ain't got.

Psalms 67
May God be gracious to us and bless us
and make his face to shine upon us,
2 that your way may be known on earth,
your saving power among all nations.
3 Let the peoples praise you, O God;
let all the peoples praise you!

I connect with Psalms 66 because for the first time in my life I really understand what it is for God to be gracious. I've accepted that grace - I live in that grace - I am lit by that grace. I am coming to understand his way and I'm confident in my direction. I have experienced and continue to experience his saving power and it lets me praise him. I am saved, soaked in his blood, lost in his grace. Redeemed. Justified. Bought. It is finished. I am his. Oh, how good he has shown himself to be. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! I don't have any money, none, but abundance - that I got.

Come Thou Fount

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
Robert Robinson

I can't begin to describe how great church was today. It was an unusual service, Preach walked through this song - we talked about a verse and then sang it, yes one song over and over for 90 minutes. At first I thought it was going to be another gimmicky service that I would barely be able to tolerate, I was mistaken. Most of the sermon centered around Ephesians 2. You should read it right now - seriously - right now. What changed my mind about how the service would go was when preach got all emotional during reading that scripture. You have to understand that I love preach like I love few other people, he's not just my pastor he's one of my closest friends. Has been since high school. He's a couple months younger than me and in league with the most impressive men I've ever known. Preach has more depth for me than any other pastor I've sat under because I've seen him walk what he preaches. I've had the chance to do life with him and he has voice with me because he's earned it, not just because he has a title. I love him, so when he gets like he got today it moves me.

The entire service became an emotional and intense experience, but it nothing struck me as new and life changing until right at the end. We had finished Ephesians 2 and almost as a formality started going over the last verse, the one I have here. One of the things I like least about myself is just that: I'm prone to wander. I do things I despise, I fail in ways that seem almost intentional. I often feel like I'm sabotaging my spiritual life. I don't understand it, but it seems I can't help but take gradual little steps away from the Father. I despise it, I despise myself for it. Preach was talking about this tendency in himself and he said that he hates it.

That's it. Something about the way he bit into the word hate struck me. He really hates it. I do to, I hate it more that I can describe. I makes me sick. I've never really been able to separate myself form it and so there's always been this undertone of self loathing in my life. I know I wander and I know it's giving in to that tendency that's created or aggravated all the pain and darkness in my life. I know all the spirit vs. flesh arguments and the conflict between the already and the not yet, but nothing I've heard or read has allowed me to be able to separate from this part of myself. Satan has had a foothold in my life for a long time because of it. I've allowed him to use this to bathe me in guilt and shame. There was nothing I could do to shake the feeling that I deserved what I was getting. I've often felt there was no point in moving back towards God because I would eventually just wander off again. That lead into feeling like God thought the same way. It became difficult or impossible to believe that he would actually pursue me, what's the point. I'm that stupid dog that doesn't understand the fence is there to keep him home, where he's safe, and has to escape and run away. I mean, how many time do you bring him back. It's exhausting. Eventually everybody gets rid of that dog, or he gets run over. I prefer run over to given away.

Anyway, I couldn't separate from whatever it is in me that tends to wander and so I carried the same and guilt that goes with it. You can't carry those things and fully embrace the grace God offers. It doesn't feel right to allow His goodness to bind my heart to His carrying that disgusting shit. In that position I couldn't fully understand or the grasp the weight of the gospel. The moment preach said the word hate like that something in me changed. I wish so much I could explain what it felt like. I don't know how to describe it, but in that moment God moved, and that part of me was walled off and for the first time I saw it for what it is. I don't know, I've done a lot of confessing - I've begged for forgiveness, but today was the first time in my life I've felt free of guilt and shame - completely covered by grace.

Preach spoke of a season when God brought him into full understanding of the Gospel. I think today was my spring. All the pain and darkness of the last seven years were building to that moment today. I don't think I've arrived spiritually or anything stupid like that, I just feel like I might finally be in the game. I think for the first time I really understand what taking up my cross looks like. Call it my flesh or sin nature or whatever, for the first time I've identified it. I hate it and, with God's help, I will kill it. Tomorrow I'll probably have to kill it again. Daily I'll die - safely to arrive at home.

When I'm Thomas

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,
Then I beg to be spared 'cause I'm a coward,
I'm a doubting Thomas,
I can't keep my promises,
'Cause I don't know what's safe,
oh me of little faith
-Nickle Creek


On my flight tonight I couldn't get this song out of my head. I'm pretty sure at one point I was still singing it when I pushed the talk button, so anyone listening to Knoxville ATC tonight, yea, that was me you heard singing. Today I found out that I'm taking another pay cut at work, this one was sprung on me real nice. I found out about it when I got my check and it was a couple hundred dollars less than I expected. It was a real good day. I spent a lot of time in the quiet dark of 6,000 ft asking God why. It's a question I've asked him before, but tonight he answered it clearer than I expected. This is the slap in the face I've been asking for. From the minute I started flight school I've been worried about the transition. The problem with flying for a living is that in the beginning you don't usually get paid squat. It's about building time and experience. I was worried that the money I made at my current job would be enough to dampen my passion for flying. I wondered if, when it came down to it, I would be able to walk away from a job that provided so well. I've often prayed that God would ease the transition -make it an easy choice. Well, he just did. He just didn't do it like I expected.

I love the image of Christ as a lion that C.S. Lewis uses in the Narnia books. I've thought and talked a lot about God being good but not safe. And yet when I see him move - when he uses his power and will to direct my life - when walls are torn down and doors opened in front of me - when he moves in response to my prayer - I'm terrified to walk the path he's made. I'm not sure the issue is whether or not God is safe. I don't know what's safe, and I don't think I need to. I need the vision to see the path God has laid in front of me and the guts to walk down it.

Tonight my mind keeps going to the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham was called by God to walk a path that seemed impossible. We all know the story, just when things seemed the darkest -when it seemed God was poised to take the thing Abraham loved most - God provided. I know that 2009 is going to be a difficult year. I'm going to be asked to do more with less. I will be stressed and stretched and exhausted, but I am confident that when it's over I'll be able to look back at this place in my life and give it the name Abraham gave the mountain he climbed that day with Isaac: Jehovahjireh - The Lord will provide.

Bury my Heart

Things are starting to fall away. It's been a really long couple of months and I'm starting to feel like I or things in my life are being pruned. Things I used to count on aren't what they used to be. My job and my leg - neither one is as dependable as it used to be. I had begun to think my heart was going with them. Through the difficulty of the last several weeks I've felt surprisingly little. Now, I have a tendency to shut down emotionally sometimes, but this has felt different. I think I know the difference between shutting down and breaking altogether. This felt like the latter until a couple of days ago.

I had the opportunity this week to visit the house I grew up in, my family's home. We moved out about five years ago (about a year after my father died) and I felt like I left a lot of myself in that place, at the time it seemed to difficult to continue to carry it with me. The pieces were right where I left them.

I expected to be overwhelmed by anger and sadness over the loss of my father, I was, but I was also overcome with joy at some of the memories made in that place. I stood by the pool where my best friend and I spent so many summers listening to Billy Joel and pounding Mountain Dews. From the screened porch where I spent so many nights watching the rain I could see the neighborhood court where I learned to really play ball. The kitchen where Steak Night was born and the basement where we all made out all the time. The room where I first kissed my wife and the stair I was sitting on when she told me she loved me. It was all still there. So much of who I am was right there in that house. I was unable to take it with me when I left, but I'm thankful for the opportunity to go back and get it. I I feel burdened in a way I haven't felt in years. I feel heavy, but I feel complete. I know now that my heart still works - and I know why.

Questions

I came for your questions of what you don’t know
But you can’t see the answers unless I go
So give me your hatred and give your diseased
Give me your tired and I’ll take them with me
-Jon Mclaughlin


It is a difficult time for my family. We find ourselves in a situation where money is tight and about to get much, much tighter. My first thought is that we won't be able to make it - I'm not sure how you get from where we are to where we have to go. Right now we are frustrated and stressed out in ways I'd never have imagined. I am stressed to the point of psychical exhaustion. I've begun to doubt - to worry.

It seems to me you can handle these types of situations three ways: loose yourself in activity so you forget, try to work harder in order to earn your way out, or open the word and hit your knees. I've done all three. In that order. It's odd to me that the last thing I try is the thing that seems to have the best success rate.

I heard the Jon Mclaughlin song today and it made me wonder how true those words really are. There is a lot of hatred and disease in the world and I am very, very tired. Is Jesus taking us with him? Did he really take those things on himself and rid us of them? A lot of times it feels like he didn't. There are certainly times when I experience love, and healing, and rest. However, right now, in the day to day, I don't feel those things and He seems far away.

Someone I love very much wrote a beautiful blog about Emmanuel - God is with us. She talks about God being involved in every aspect of our lives and how she (we) often miss it. There have been so many moments where I have experienced God. I have seen the earth from 6000ft - I know he is creator. I am sitting in a comfortable home - I know he is provider. I am well - I know he is healer. I have community, friends, and family - I know he is good. He is love. He is Father. I have a hard time with Emmanuel. It's in the tiny moments between moments that we discover if He is with us. The world is loud and these moments often go unnoticed. In times like these the question for me is not, do I experience Emmanuel? Because I don't - I'm missing it. The question for me now is, do I believe Emmanuel?

Breath

I've been struggling lately. I feel like I'm right on the edge of a great move of God in my life, but the anticipation and resulting restlessness and silence are suffocating. As long as I've lived in the silence - as much time as I've spent waiting - I still don't handle it well. Lately I've thought I've done everything possible to get close to God. I've been intentional about creating time and space for him. I took a long flight last night for that express purpose. I was alone at 6000 ft - waiting. I took my ipod and listened to Christian music - I created the environment, He didn't show. I went to bed last night feeling like I'd done everything I could. Sometimes God shows up and sometimes he doesn't. He's the wind. Right?

As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. 2 Timothy 4:5

I read 2 Timothy tonight. I read pretty fast and tonight I was reading just to say I did it and kind of skipped over the first few chapters, but 4:5 caught my attention. This is what I've been feeling lately. I have to do something. I don't know what, but I really feel like I need to be more actively following Christ. I really think I've got the sober-minded thing ok and I know I've endured some suffering, it's the last parts I'm on now. Do the work of an evangelist - I have no idea what that would look like in my life, I'm sure I'm not called to be a vocational minister. So how do I fulfill my ministry? How do I know what my ministry is? This verse is comforting because it confirms that I do have a ministry - the desire to fulfill it is there. I just don't know what it is. After this verse grabbed my attention I went back and re-read the verses preceding it. I found two things:

1. What I don't want to be but fear I am fairly often.

For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power... 7 always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth... they will not get very far. 2 Timothy 3

Way too much of that sounds like me. In this moment it's the part about always learning but never arriving at knowledge of the truth that scares me. I think that's exactly the question I've been asking myself. With all of the reading and meditating - with the time and space I've created - why am I not getting it?

2. I haven't been reading the right things.

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. 2 Timothy 3

I read some really great blogs and some really powerful books written by some brilliant and gifted people, but I don't loose myself in the word of God. The last place I think to look is the one place with ALL the answers. I need to be taught - trained. The middle of this passage points directly at the two things I want most to be: A man of God - competent. That's right, competent. I would like to be great, famous and wealthy. I would love to be respected and remembered, but at my core - in the distant places of my heart - I want most passionately to just be enough. I can think of nothing grander than to be a competent man of God. I want, so completely, to do every good work- to be equipped - to fulfill my ministry. When I take time to read the Bible it always points to one place to find those things. I need to be close enough to God to be consumed by his breath - to be lost in his word.

The Ox and Lamb Kept Time

I just can't shake this felling that I need to be doing something. I've spent so much of the last six years in cruise control - waiting. That has to stop now. I think it has or is beginning to. I do think flying is a step in the right direction for me. I'm doing something, finally. I'm really excited about it, and kind of proud of it, but I'm finding it difficult to be satisfied with just doing.

Mark 13.33-37: “But about that day or hour no one knows, neither the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Beware, keep alert; for you do not know when the time will come. It is like a man going on a journey, when he leaves home and puts his slaves in charge, each with his work, and commands the doorkeeper to be on the watch. Therefore, keep awake– for you do not know when the master of the house will come, in the evening, or at midnight, or at cockcrow, or at dawn, or else he may find you asleep when he comes suddenly. And what I say to you I say to all: Keep awake.

This is a pretty well know little piece of scripture, I can't tell you how many Sunday School lessons I sat through on it growing up in church. We talk a lot about being ready, we sings songs and write books about being left behind. We want to make sure everyone is saved. I'm all for that, please don't misunderstand, nothing excites me more that seeing people come to Jesus, but I sometimes feel like we leave it at that. Like once you're saved you're ready and you can kind of take it easy. I'm not sure I'm ok with that. Recently the phrase in these verses that stands out most to me is, "each with his work." I just can't shake the feeling that I've got to be doing something.

Matthew 25.14-19: ”For it is just like a man about to go on a journey, who called his own slaves and entrusted his possessions to them. To one he gave five talents, to another, two, and to another, one, each according to his own ability; and he went on his journey. Immediately the one who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and gained five more talents. In the same manner the one who had received the two talents gained two more. But he who received the one talent went away, and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.”

Every time I read these verses I want to quantify. It seems natural to me that the guy with ten is better than the guy with one. Ten is better than one, it seems so simple. It's not. It seems to me that maybe the issue isn't how many points they finished with, maybe the point is whether or not they were willing to play the game. We know the master gave out the talents according to ability, he knew the third servant wasn't going to be able to do much. I wonder if the master would have been angry if the third servant lost his talent in the market. I don't think he would have. He knew the servant had limited ability, I don't he would have been surprised to find him with nothing. I think the master was angry because the servant didn't risk anything. He should have taken what he had and used it to engage a world desperate for the master's influence.

My all time favorite Christmas song is The Little Drummer Boy. I love it. It may be my favorite thing about Christmas. I have about a dozen versions of it on my Ipod and around this time of year I can always blame it on FM radio if someone catches me cranking it in my truck. I love that song. So much of it appeals to me, I feel like a little boy most of the time - I never have anything fit to bring - I consistently find myself lost in the loving smile of our Savior. I'm convinced that's the point. You may not have much - no resources - very little ability, but you've simply got to engage in any way you can. It's our calling and our command to play our best for Him. Pa rum pum pum pum.

Moved

I got to fly twice on Wednesday. It was awesome. I flew a Cessna 172 over to Crossville and then a Piper Warrior to Greenville. It was so clear you could see forever, on the night flight you could see Knoxville from about 30 miles out. Perfect day to fly. I think the total on both the flights was just under 4 hours. It was a good day. I think a lot of what I loved about it was both flights were with other people who love to fly. I found myself wondering, out loud, why everyone doesn't do this. Both times the other person up with me echoed the sentiment. It was really nice to not have to worry if they were enjoying themselves. They loved just being up there, it wasn't the company or the experience, it was enough just to be at 6000ft. Why doesn't everyone love this like I do? It's difficult to understand how anybody could see the world from there and not be moved. Really moved. How can you fly and not think, this is what I'm supposed to be doing? I half expected the other people I've taken up to, upon landing, mortgage their houses or sell their kidneys or something just to be able to do it again. That didn't happen. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. I heard words like fun - nice - great - awesome. Those are fine - polite ways to describe it, but they don't do it justice. For me, flying is not fun or nice - it's life changing. It's passion - a calling. Something I can't shake or let go of. I have to do it. It's become a part of me.

I have this same kind of experience at church, a lot. I've talked about the fund raiser we had the other night, it happened there. Several people who had never been to our church were there, people who aren't a regular part of that community. They had fun, it was nice. What? I really believe that kind of community is what we were created for. I believe the heart of Jesus was blatantly on display. I don't see how you could be in that room and not feel God's love and grace. It was not nice or fun, it was life changing. How could anyone be there and not be moved? Really moved.

Strength to Fight Back

In The Meantime - you should check this out. Another great writing about the waiting.

But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.
James 1:24

But you either be the one mad cuz you trapped, or the one huntin
Trapped in your own mind waitin on the Lord
Or huntin wit the word that cuts like a sword

Let me take your hand, guide me
Ill walk slow but stay right beside me
Hide me, hold up I take that back
Protect me and give me the strength to fight back!
-DMX-

It's been a really strange week for me spiritually. Something is changing. For the longest time I've been waiting, I really felt like that was all I could do. The night had fallen and all I could do was wait for the dawn I knew was coming. It was such a big deal for me to actually be able to believe light was possible I found rest and peace in the waiting. Somewhere in the dark I became restless, I needed something to do - something to call my own - I needed a dream. God provided. He awoke a passion in me that I thought died six years ago. On November 2 the first part of that dream came together. I am a private pilot. Since I was a very small boy I've wanted to fly airplanes, now I can.

I really expected to be concerned with only two things these days, waiting on dawn and flying. I've been feeling a little like that isn't enough (changing the address of this blog to Advance the Dawn should have been my first clue). It seems lazy or something. I feel like there has to be more. Why should I act in my professional life and not in my spiritual life? Someone once said that sometimes I wait well and sometimes I wait poorly. Well, I've been waiting poorly. I've confused waiting with inaction. I think this feeling of uneasiness with the waiting started with the In The Meantime blog I hope you just read. I don't want to be some stupid virgin falling asleep when I'm supposed to be waiting. I recently read the verses in James and found it interesting that when James talks about perseverance (I think its basically a tougher word for wait) he also says to be "a doer who acts."

Lately when I find myself praying "Let me take your hand, guide me. I'll walk slow but stay right beside me. Hide me." Something in me screams (in the voice of DMX), "Hold up, I take that back. Protect me and give me the strength to fight back!" It just seems to me lately that I've got too many weapons - know too much truth - Serve a God too big, to just sit and wait. I hate to say it, but it is as simple as DMX says, you're either in the trap or you're hunting. Why wait when you can hunt with the word that cuts like a sword?

So, what does that look like? How do you fight back? James tells us exactly what that looks like.

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. 1:27

Sunday night my church had a fundraiser to provide groceries to needy families in our community. We went to a great little jazz bar in downtown and had desserts and coffee while listening to some really great musicians. It was the best night of community and fellowship I've had in a while. Everything was donated so every penny of the ticket price went to putting food on tables. I felt pretty good about just being there. My job is slow right now and I'm trying to pay for flight school so money is tight. The ticket price was a big deal (in my own selfish little world). We had to stay home and eat sandwiches to be able to afford the tickets. I know, its pitiful, an American eating sandwiches at home. There is a Five Guys in our town for crying out loud. So, I've made the sacrifice. I was there, but I kept hearing both James and DMX in my head (they make an interesting duet). The beautiful young lady who organized the whole thing made this statement (roughly), "there are people going hungry in our community and I am not ok with that." Dammit, I'm not either and I'm going to do something about it. I thought about the small amount of money in my wallet and my even smaller bank account, and then I thought about the widow and all her might.

2and he saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins. 3And he said, "Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them. 4For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on." Luke 21

I love the symmetry of the Bible. God uses the widow to both show us how to fight and as a powerful reminder that we can. We have the strength to fight back.

Hands

And he knew it was love
It was one he could understand
He was showing his love
And that's how he hurt his hands
-Nickel Creek

I went on a short flight over to Crossville tonight. It gave me the opportunity to really be alone. The weather wasn't great, it was raining off and on and visibility was poor. I say really alone because the clouds above me blocked out the moon and stars and the there isn't much between here and Crossville. I don't know of a time I've ever felt further removed from everything. Once I got outside Knoxville's airspace I turned the radios down and listened to the IPod. Tonight was a Nickel Creek night.

During The Hand Song I found myself looking at my own hands. These are hands that can fly an airplane. Hands that carry my daughter to bed. Hands that hold my wife. Hands that wear a symbol of my marriage and a reminder of my father. I was feeling pretty good until I noticed the small scar on the knuckle of the pinkie finger on my right hand. A scar I got winning a fight in the 8th grade. The same hands I use to hold my daughter I've used to bloody. These are hands of violence. Hands literally marked by violence and anxiety. Mine are hands scarred by my sin. So are His.

I know it was love. Its not really the same, but I've held my child up in scarred hands. I can't explain it any better than that. It's a love I can understand.

When I Come Back Down

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
-Nickel Creek

This song is so amazing to me. It speaks directly to and about me. I got my pilots license about a week ago. It was the single greatest achievement of my life. The one and only time I chased a dream and actually made some progress toward catching it. I find relief in finally finishing something. I know I still have a long way to go before this path I'm on finds its end, but its so nice to cross that first checkpoint. I've written before about the peace I find in flying, about the focus and clarity it often brings. The only other activity that's ever even come close to providing those things is writing.

I'm not sure I would have ever found the desire or will to pursue a career in aviation if it wasn't for writing. Its interesting to me that amidst the joy and release of flying I almost let it slip away. I forgot why I started writing - lost touch with that part of myself. Just a few days ago I spent a lot time talking about how in succeeding I learned what it is to finish, to resist the urge to quit. Yesterday I quit. Its amazing that I didn't even see it. I really thought blogging had run its course, that I was finished.

I'm so thankful to have people who are my solid ground. Its nice to have someone care when you fail. I'm thankful to have people who simply won't stand for it. Yesterday I quit. Today I got, "like hell you do." So, here I am.

6000 Feet

Tonight I took my wife flying. I got my license yesterday and today it became obvious all the work I put in was worth it. I can't tell you how amazing it was being up there with her. It just felt right. It seems writing and flying do about the same thing for me - I like flying much better. The world seems so quiet from up there, everything kind of fades a little. Down here I find comfort in words and stories - up there its in space and distance. I don't know how to describe it really, but I feel better connected to myself. I feel like a bit of a bad-ass and yet somehow humbled. I feel accomplished and small. I feel like man and a child. I know that sounds really cheesy and I'm sorry, I just don't know how else to describe it. Its the same basic feeling I had the day I got married and day my daughter way born. I think its the feeling of being in a moment you know you were specifically created for. I was supposed to marry my wife, I am the father God chose for my daughter, and flying is clearly what I'm supposed to do. Its ridiculous to compare flying to those things, and obviously its not in the same league, I just don't know of anything else to compare it to.

At church last week we had one of those "keep your chin up" kinds of services. I know they're necessary right now, people are freaking out. I'm not. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, its the first time in my life I've been even remotely sure of that (aside from moments previously mentioned). Anyway, the message was about a really dark time in Israel's history. They had been under siege for so long they were basically living in a sewer, oh, and all they had to eat was each other. So their army ran away and their king had his eyes put out and his sons killed and then their city was burned and they were made into slaves. It was a rough couple of years. So they find themselves slaves in some Godforsaken foreign land and throw in the towel. They hang their harps in poplar trees and refuse to sing songs to or about God. I sort of know how they feel, hell, I've been there. Hung my harp right up in some stupid tree and walked away. So I'm sitting there in the service thinking it sounds about right. I mean, what would you do in a situation like that? I know what I do, I quit.

About this point I start getting real uncomfortable, not because the message is getting to me but because I begin to see what they plan on doing with that huge tree they've got sitting on stage. They plan on making me walk up there and in front of everybody take a little paper harp off the tree and promise never to put it up there again. I hate that crap, I really do. We all know no one takes that seriously. Its peer pressure. Its like when everybody at that made for TV church down the street stands up at the same point in the final worship performance (usually coincides with the climax of the song and a spectacular light show). We all know few of those people are actually moved by the song, I'd bet most of them are so busy thinking about lunch they don't even realize they've stood up. Its mob mentality. You can't force people to make a decision with peer pressure - you can't make me so uncomfortable I have to act. I will not make a decision for Christ because everyone is watching and I'm embarrassed not to or because the really spiritual people are doing it. Its not real that way. That being said, there is a pair of jeans in my floor right now with a little paper harp in the back pocket.

Here's the thing, this time I was one of the few. It was real for me. I don't want you to think I wrestled with it and came to a decision. God was very clear in that moment that this decision was not mine to make. I've just recently gotten my harp down, I don't get to put it back. I got angry and quit once before. The question now becomes; did I learn my lesson? I think I did. I know where that road leads. I'm not exactly on fire in my spiritual life right now. In fact, things are pretty quite on the God front. Its been quiet before, but this is different. I know where I'm going now. I've been a quitter before; I quit teams, I quit school, I quit jobs, relationships, and church. I quit on myself and on God. Somewhere in those stupid paper harps God reminded me that I'm not that guy anymore. I'm on the other side now. I've come to far to ever quit again.

Tonight I got to feel what it was like to finally succeed. I didn't have a senior season (in college)- I don't have a diploma. Tonight was the first time in a long time, if not ever, that I achieved something I set out for. Tonight I learned what it feels like to succeed. It changes everything.

I think the decisions I've made in the past will affect my relationship with God for a long time. I don't think of him the same way and he doesn't deal with me the same way. I think this is how our relationship is going to be; times of intense passion and growth followed by deafening silence and searching. Tonight, in the quiet distance of 6000 feet, I was reminded of what it will take to find success in my spiritual life. I have no choice, throwing in the towel is not an option. I will continue to sing, continue to play, and continue to wait.

Beneath My Feet

Lead me back to the canyon;

Show the waters deep,

You know the healing begins in the Canyon

Let it be the portion of earth beneath my Feet.

Jesus, be the portion of earth beneath my feet.

-Ed Cash

Ed is referring to a rafting trip he took through the Grand Canyon and the way he experienced God in that place. Every time I hear this song I think of my places - places that have been beneath my feet at times when I have really experienced God. Loveland Mountain in Colorado where I discovered God's awesome creative power and beauty. The Beaches of Ocho Rios, Jamaica and Myrtle Beach, South Carolina where I first played in the ocean with my wife on our honeymoon and my daughter on our first family vacation. There is a barren mountain top in Peru where I found a heart for the oppressed, the poor, and the hungry. There are lakes, hunting leases, and back porches where my father became my friend. There's an overlook in Lenior City where I've left so many unanswered questions, and lonely roads through the Smokies where I've found so many answers. These are places that are special to me, places that feel Holy. Sometimes I think that if I ever get to visit some of these places again I may not be able to resist the urge to take my shoes off. These are the locations of my burning bush, places my heart has built alters. Tonight when I heard this song none of these places came to mind.

I've often given the church a hard time. I've been pretty upset with the church in general for quite some time now. That's beginning to change. In small group this week we talked about the great commission. The topic of people being hurt by the church was brought up. It got me talking about this guy I know that I generally feel is horrible at telling people about his faith. He does it often, and I respect that, but the way he does it bothers me. It turns a lot of people off. You can see people's eyes glaze over and feel the energy drain from the room when he starts talking about Christianity. I've always wanted to avoid being associated with or compared to him. I want to say, "I'm not like that. That's not me." The problem that I'm starting to see with that is that in the only way that matters I am like him - he is me. We are brothers. Part of the same body.

I learned this lesson for the first time several years ago. I was going through a rough patch and so I starting acting like a real ass. I said some really mean things to people that I really love. One night on the way home from dinner my wife was getting on me about it and I told her that I didn't see what it had to do with her. She informed me that if I kept acting like a jerk no one was going to want to hang out with us anymore. She said that if people quit wanting me around she would end up stuck at home with me all the time and never get to see her friends. It turns out no one is going to call my wife and ask her to come hang out and insist that she leave her jerk husband at home. We are so closely connected that you can't take one and leave the other. You get both or neither.

I've been guilty of asking people to do that with the church. I don't think it can work that way. It doesn't do any good to say to someone that has been hurt by the church, "well, that church sucks. We aren't like that. It won't happen to you here." That's a lie. We are like that. It probably will happen to you here. We cannot separate ourselves from the body of which we are a part. It wouldn't do my wife any good to say, "sorry my husband's a moron, but I'm really nice and will make a good friend." People will reject her for her association with me, no way around it. I think in that situation she did the only thing you can do. She had a difficult, honest, and (until now) private conversation with me and I'm betting she prayed real hard and real consistently that I would get my act together. I'm now convinced that's the way the church should handle its differences.

I've been thinking about this for a while now, but it wasn't clear to me why until I heard Canyon tonight. I've always know that I'm a person of extremes. I'm either hot or cold. On or off. Lately I've been off. For some reason I starting reading over my blog again today and it was a great reminder of where I've been, who I am, and the way God has moved in my life. I also noticed something else - I either write a lot or not at all. God is either the most important thing I my life or I shut him out all together. Tonight as I began again to wrestle with my relationship with God all these passages of scripture, old testament stories, and parables began running through my mind, it was like a snapshot of who God is and what he wants from and for me. It was me revisiting my foundation. Reconnecting with a truth so deeply buried in my heart that no amount of abuse from the world will ever be able to shake it loose.

Tonight as I listened to that familiar song it wasn't mountains and beaches my heart retreated to, it was Sunday School rooms and AWANA classes. It turns out the church I so often criticize and try to distance myself from was, is and always will be my foundation. It is the portion of earth beneath my feet.

Little Boy Heart Alive

Open the door and run outside

Your little boy heart alive

Into the morning light

Into the deep and wide

Feel the beat of a distant thunder

It’s the sound of an ancient song

This is the Kingdom calling

Come now and tread the dawn

Come to the father

Come to the deeper well

Drink of the water

And come to live a tale to tell

Pages are turning now

This is abundant life

The joy in the journey

Is enough to make a grown man cry

With a little boy heart alive

Take a ride on the mighty lion

Take a hold of the golden mane

This is the love of Jesus

So good but it is not tame

Ever the road goes on and on

Ever the road goes on and on and on

-Andrew Peterson

I've felt really run down lately. Starting to feel old - In a lot of ways I'm starting to be old. I think maybe I'm a little bored. I'm not sure why that is, I think it may have something to do with my job. I'm not a big fan of it right now. I'm thankful to have it, but its wearing me out a little. Things aren't going as smoothly now as they have in the past. Things are tight, its hard to sell anything right now. Last year was a great year and that's killing me this year. I never used to miss my goals but I've been missing bad lately. The thing that's frustrating is that I'm working harder than I did last year. I bet my managers doubt that, but I am. I'm working harder and making less money. That sucks. What really sucks is I get the feeling people at work think I'm slacking off or don't care. Not true, but I can see how they would think that. I really think it has very little to do with anyone else in the office, it's hard for me to go in there everyday knowing I'm failing. It sounds dramatic to me to say failing but that's what it is. I hate failing.

So that's where I was when I heard this Andrew Peterson song today. Old. Tired. Bored. Unsuccessful. It sucks to be any one of those things but to be all four at once makes it really difficult to not throw in the towel. I was driving around trying to find the energy to make the next call when I heard Little Boy Heart Alive on the Ipod. It's not a song I listen to often. I don't have it memorized. I loved it today. I love it for its references to The Chronicles of Narnia (The Dawn Treader book is my favorite and the part about the lion not being tame is about the best part in the whole series). There is so much in this song I would love to spend time with (distant thunder, ancient song, kingdom calling, tale to tell just to name a few) but I think more importantly for me today is why it moved me the way it did.

I think it reminded me of the life I should be living - a life I lost touch with. It's the life I've been designed to live. I was beginning to get all John Eldridge thinking what I needed was a little adventure. You know climb a mountain, shoot an Elk kind of stuff. The thing is that's not really the way I live. I mean I go hiking like once every five years or so (I do still live in East Tennessee) but it's not like I can do that all the time. Besides that crap's exhausting to. I didn't stay with the Wild at Heart stuff long (I love and recommend that book). It occurred to me that I'm doing the man thing just fine. No, its not being a real man that I forget how to do. It's being a boy. I forget how to play - what it is to play. I'm Captain Hook.

I started to get really depressed about it. I can't pretend. I literally have no imagination left. What this song helped me do today was connect those feelings of play I experienced as a boy with what I get to do as a man. I began to remember all the things I do that feel like play. I fly an airplane like three times a week. What little boy doesn't dream about that, I sure did. I promise taking off in a real airplane makes you want to laugh in a way throwing a paper one never could. Just last week I played in the ocean with my best friend (who also happens to be my wife). Several months ago I ran through Dollywood, that's right, Dollywood, and rode roller coasters in the rain. I run in the yard with my dog. I play peek-a-boo, with my 11 month old daughter, but still it's peek-a-boo. Can't play that without either feeling like a kid or a moron.

I am designed to play. Play is one of the few things we didn't have to be taught to do. If we take time to remember we all know how. In the busyness that is our lives we get bogged down in responsibility and concern. We worry and work and struggle. We forget to play. Today I was reminded that I can and should still play - that my little boy heart is still alive.

Truth Into Shadows

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. -C.S. Lewis-

Tonight was slow. I've said, and thought lately, that God often causes pain or hurt in order to slow things down and get our attention. Tonight things slowed down for me again. I told someone once that I think the two ways Satan gains influence in our lives are with God's permission and with ours. Tonight I gave him an in and he took it.

I'm not sure how it happens. Something bad happens and I go numb. Tonight it was Wii. Most of the time its TV or the Internet. I make noise - I ignore. It didn't work for me tonight. I'm not sure it ever really does. Anyway, I let my guard down. I began to feel sorry for myself. Before I knew it Satan had gotten in. I really hate him. He reminds me of all the things I hate in myself. When Satan brings the hurts of my past to the surface it's not heal them, he picks at them - inflames them. I swear, for a minute tonight something in me hurt in a way I haven't felt in a long time. The kind of hurt that makes your stomach knot up and your fist clinch. The kind of hurt you can't control or understand. Tonight I gave Satan just a little window and he drug all the darkness I've spent the last eight years burying back in through it.

One of the things I've come to love most about my Savior is his willingness to be where I am. If I've learned anything in recent years it's to look for him. I read the story of Nicodemus' encounter with Jesus recently. When John talks about Nicodemus he refers to him as the man who came to Jesus by night. Yes, in fear and uncertainty Nicodemus came to Jesus by night - but he came. It's interesting to me that the story doesn't mention that Nicodemus knocked on the door and woke Jesus up. It doesn't mention Jesus stumbling to the door in his pajamas wiping the sleep from his eyes. I'm just speculating, but I imagine Jesus was already in the street, waiting. I imagine all the disciples and Jesus having one of those long dinners and Jesus excusing himself saying he'd like some fresh air. I imagine Nicodemus coming around the corner in the dark trying to figure out how he's going to talk to Jesus without anyone knowing only to find Jesus leaned against the wall waiting for him. What Nicodemus found was a savior eager to meet him. He got Jesus at his best. John 3:16, the most powerful and precise explanation of the gospel message, was spoken to one man - in the shadows.

21 And when Jesus had crossed again in the boat to the other side, a great crowd gathered about him, and he was beside the sea. 22 Then came one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jairus by name, and seeing him, he fell at his feet 23 and implored him earnestly, saying, “My little daughter is at the point of death. Come and lay your hands on her, so that she may be made well and live.” 24 And he went with him.

This is what I read tonight. I'm not sure how to explain why this hit me the way it did. I think it was probably the words "my little daughter" followed by "he went with him." You see, I think the reason I was so bothered tonight is because it's the first time I've really dealt with past failures since becoming a dad. It scared me a little. I was afraid somehow I would let her down the way I've let others down, that my hurt would become her hurt - my burdens her burdens. My little daughter deserves better than that, my little daughter deserves a daddy that Jesus goes with.

I'm reminded once again that there is no place my Savior won't meet me, no place he's unwilling to go. Tonight sin created a moment, but it was invaded by Truth. Tonight Jesus gently whispered truth into the shadows. Tonight I got Jesus at his best.