Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Smoke & Ash

I didn't intend to write tonight. I don't have anything to say, but I found myself sitting here just staring at the screen. I clicked on the Daily Bible reading. I read Deuteronomy 8 and it became clear why I'm here - I'm here to remember. My new job has me working every Sunday, and I'm starting to feel disconnected. I expected to recall all the great things God has done for me, I did, but I didn't stay there long.

My mind keeps running through several experiences I've had in the last couple of days. Reminders of what I'm connected to. I smoked a cigar with my best friend a little while ago. Just he and I. We sat on his back porch and talked our way through a couple of great cigars. I remember leaning back in my chair as I exhaled and watching the smoke escape in the night breeze. A couple of dark clouds silhouetted by the moon moved quickly by in the opposite direction. I remember not being able to decided where I loved to be more - here in the smoke or there in the clouds. My daughter couldn't sleep tonight, so went into her room, picked her up, and sang to her in the dark. It was one of the sweetest moments of my life. I already know - it won't be like this for long.

My favorite blogger, in his last two posts, has written about pastors and fathers. Both are difficult subjects for me now. My pastor, up until a few weeks ago, was one of my best friends. He was a close friend who happened to speak at the church I go to. It was simple, until he brought a message that altered the foundation of how I believe. I'm not sure he could have done that as just a friend. As my pastor he changed, inspired, and ignited me. The single greatest influence in my life has been my father. He's gone now. I remember how he smiled - what he loved - how he lived. Memories of what we had, of what was lost. Fire and ash.

It's raining outside my window now. I love listening to the rain. My father did - I bet my daughter will.