Thursday, January 26, 2012

Build A Rocket

I'm impatient. I always have been, I'm impulsive and all about instant gratification. I have made some really bad decisions in attempts to get where I think I need to be in the shortest amount of time. I do not like waiting. It seems God enjoys asking me to wait. I think it's our thing. It's way more important than that makes it sound. Like the young ruler and his wealth, I don't want to let go of my timeline. I want to put God's plans on my schedule. It doesn't work, turns out God has a pretty specific timeline in mind for these plans of his.

I had lunch with (I was going to say best friend here, but I think that comes up short. Imagine how little Jimmy Olsen feels when he finds out that Clark Kent, his friend, is also Superman, his hero. It's like that) this guy I know today and he is in the same place I was in before I started flying full time. He hates his job, hates it so bad it effects how he is in other areas of his life. You would think I would be the perfect person to give advice (@jonacuff is the perfect person to get this advice from but he lives in Nashville plus I must of lost his #. Read Quitter). I used to hate my job and now I love it. Anyway, the problem is that when I was there I didn't handle it very well. I gave it very little effort, fortunately it didn't take much. I hated it so bad I started to hate myself a little. I got very good at a dangerous game called self-deprecating humor. It's dangerous because people love it. It's dangerous because you start to believe it. I made jokes because I felt small and everyone laughed and knew they were jokes - everyone but me. I started to believe they were truth. It's hard not to. Then I quit before I really should have. I did not do it right. One major problem, it's worked out beautifully thus far.

What do you say there? I did it this way and it worked great but thats wrong and you should stay in that crap hole you're in until God opens another door.
I doubt that would be well received. Ok, so I don't know.

I do know that God has extended to me more grace than I could ever have imagined. It extends beyond salvation and redemption. This scares me to say, but I think it's bigger than the cross. Its difficult to look at the enormity of what was accomplished on Calvary and continue to look for more - it can't possibly get better. Can it? I'm starting to think it can. This grace has been so freely given that it has begun to wind around and influence every part of my life. What God seems to want is to do life with us. At church we talk talk about joining a life group to find people to do life with. Finding a God to do life with is more than I ever though possible. Jesus provided us a way into the very presence God himself. It's invitation to lay our plans and their time lines out next to God's and see first hand that his ways are better. It's to know that every aspect of your life in the hands of the almighty.

Sometimes these things take time. It's the tension we live in. We are created in God's image with his life breathed into us and yet we live in a very finite space. We seem to only want part - to grow up but not old. We long to take hold of the beauty and adventure that is all around us but our reach is short and our grasp is weak. We need a partner in this. I believe that when we ask God for the moon his response is usually, "Ok, let's build a rocket boys".

Build a rocket is an album by Elbow and I listened to Lippy Kids on flight down today, that's where this idea comes from. Buy the album.

I'm doing these from the IPad, as I'm sure you can tell from the tag it will add just below here. It's going to make this process kind of fast and dirty. I don't know how to do much on this thing and typing is awkward, this has not been proofread. I hope his allows you to get what I'm thinking without all the bull I would edit in later. I'm afraid you may also get a lot of bull I would have edited out. Let's face it, you read this blog and you're in for a lot of bull. This way is faster which may lead to my doing it more. If you hate it let me know and I'll go ahead a block you. Thanks

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Gulf Center Dr,Fort Myers,United States

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


I want a little bit of everything, the biscuits and the beans, whatever helps me to forget about the things that brought me to my knees. -Dawes

Over and over again I try to forget. I fly and read and dance with the kids. I smoke cigars and drink whiskey and laugh. I love my wife and watch T.V. I write and Facebook and text. I read everything but Bible - talk to anyone but God.

I try to keep moving, but I'm on my knees. Tonight I remember. My daughter asked why I don't get to have a daddy. Then she wanted to know where he went and why he can see Jesus when we can't.

Those are tough questions, but they lead to more difficult truths. The reason I struggle so much has little to do with my Dad. His death may have been the trigger, but it's apathy and selfishness and pride that destroy me. Oh, and I'm a liar. It's my shield. I do it so you never know me entirely. It's easier to be unknown and accepted than known and rejected. I would love to tell you all my secrets and have you love me anyway, but I know you wouldn't.

It's insanity that, with that mindset, I talk to anyone but God. Every single time I spend any time with God it's always the same thing. "I know you completely and I love you perfectly". Over and over God demands that I remember and then further demands that I accept his grace. Quiet time feels like a game of "who's is bigger". My shit, his grace. He's won, which means I win. The truth is that he offers what I want most: unconditional love and acceptance. I can't understand why I keep running from it. I know I'm holding on to something. I'm afraid if I play this final card he may not have the grace to trump it. I'm afraid I'll win and lose it all. We all do it, I think, accept that God's grace is bigger than any sin but our own. I don't know why. I wish we would stop. I'm not sure how. I'll close with some of the verses I cling to in the hope that you believe them. In the hope that, someday, I can too.

And we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:14

And from his fullness we have all received grace upon grace. John 1:16 (those last three words will be included in the tattoo I may some day get)

But where sin increased, grace abounded all the more. Romans 5:20

-Posted using Blogpress from my IPad.