I want a little bit of everything, the biscuits and the beans, whatever helps me to forget about the things that brought me to my knees. -Dawes
Over and over again I try to forget. I fly and read and dance with the kids. I smoke cigars and drink whiskey and laugh. I love my wife and watch T.V. I write and Facebook and text. I read everything but Bible - talk to anyone but God.
I try to keep moving, but I'm on my knees. Tonight I remember. My daughter asked why I don't get to have a daddy. Then she wanted to know where he went and why he can see Jesus when we can't.
Those are tough questions, but they lead to more difficult truths. The reason I struggle so much has little to do with my Dad. His death may have been the trigger, but it's apathy and selfishness and pride that destroy me. Oh, and I'm a liar. It's my shield. I do it so you never know me entirely. It's easier to be unknown and accepted than known and rejected. I would love to tell you all my secrets and have you love me anyway, but I know you wouldn't.
It's insanity that, with that mindset, I talk to anyone but God. Every single time I spend any time with God it's always the same thing. "I know you completely and I love you perfectly". Over and over God demands that I remember and then further demands that I accept his grace. Quiet time feels like a game of "who's is bigger". My shit, his grace. He's won, which means I win. The truth is that he offers what I want most: unconditional love and acceptance. I can't understand why I keep running from it. I know I'm holding on to something. I'm afraid if I play this final card he may not have the grace to trump it. I'm afraid I'll win and lose it all. We all do it, I think, accept that God's grace is bigger than any sin but our own. I don't know why. I wish we would stop. I'm not sure how. I'll close with some of the verses I cling to in the hope that you believe them. In the hope that, someday, I can too.
And we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:14
And from his fullness we have all received grace upon grace. John 1:16 (those last three words will be included in the tattoo I may some day get)
But where sin increased, grace abounded all the more. Romans 5:20
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