Thursday, April 30, 2009

Kill me, now

I've got a lot going on tonight.  I've been blown away  lately by God's grace and mercy.  I got involved in a little Free Will v. Predestination discussion a few days ago and I think God's used it to point over and over again to his Grace.  He's reminded me of how he pursued me, saved me, redeemed and justified me.  Today I read the first several chapters of John's Gospel, it uses the word all about four times in the first few verses.  It also uses the phrase "grace upon grace".  I'm pretty sure God isn't doing this to remind assure me I'm right in my defense of free will, I'm sure it's the opposite.  My defense of free causing me to focus on grace.  I'm done trying to defend a position, I just keep hearing God say, "I love you.  Look what I did for you.  Look at the lengths I went to just to make you mine.  I bring light and hope and rest".

I think I might be getting lonely, spiritually lonely.  It's not that I work a weird shift now and don't get to see the people I love as often as I used to, it's not missing church or conversation or community - I don't think.  I've read and thought a lot about some of the people in the Bible that went through times of isolation to prepare them for the work they had been called to do.  I don't think flying is anything like preparing the way for Jesus, I just think this may be a time that God is using to deal with me on a more personal level.  I want it, but it scares the shit out of me.  I have no more defenses - the walls have come down.  I feel naked in my depravity before a holy and righteous God.  I'm exposed, suddenly and completely aware of all I am - all I'm not.    

In my my last blog I posted a quote from Matt Chandler about how God seeks to destroy anything in us that isn't of him.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about it - to stop wanting it.  I heard this Caedmon's call song in the car on the way home tonight and I again found myself exposed - in true broken worship of the God who redeemed me.
Of all the duties I have done.  I quit the hopes I held before. Now, for the loss I bear his name, What was my gain I count my loss.  My former pride I call my shame, and nail my glory to His cross.  Yes, and I must, I will esteem all things but loss for Jesus' sake.  O may my soul be found in Him.  No more my God, I boast no more. 
All I've done and hoped and gained, I count as loss for Jesus sake.  I want nothing more than to kill every part of me that isn't totally of and consumed and in service to Him.  No more my God, I boast - I lie - I lust - I covet - I fail - I rebel - I resist no more.  I want it done, and I want it done now.  I'm tired and I don't think I can carry it any longer.  In moments like these I'm reminded of the last words of our Savior uttered under the full burden of our sin, "It is finished".  
Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.
There is rest.  The process, for me, is difficult and often I resist it with all that I have left, but I find the more of me that is destroyed the more alive I feel.  I have to decrease so that he can increase.  Without his great mercy there is only death and guilt and shame.  In his grace there is light and hope and rest.  And I weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.