I got to go to church today for the first time in several months. I didn't know really what to expect, but I was sure I wouldn't be able to get right back to where I was spiritually before the events of the last 15 months, I mean, how long does it take to recover from a year long backslide? I actually felt pretty good going into the service. I knew I was a little banged up spiritually, but I felt like I was doing the best I could do given the circumstances.
We have a moment of prayer before each service, and today my prayer was simple. I thanked God for my mom and wife who are both fantastic women of God and asked that wherever I was in my relationship with him that today he would make clear where I was and what steps I needed to take to become the kind of spouse and parent he wants me to be.
What can wash away my sin? What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. I don't have the words to describe what happened as I, for the first time in months, praised the God of healing. Have you ever gone to the doctor for something little, something you didn't think would even require medical attention? You know, one of those doctor visits you make just to pacify a parent or spouse. Imagine if they took an x-ray and the Doctor comes in and flips on the light on that little board and you see clearly that all your bones are broken. Completely broken.
I knew I had fallen, but that picture was terrifying and sobering. The reality of what falling has done to me is overwhelming. The confession and repentance that took place in that moment was unlike anything I've ever experienced. It all happened very suddenly. Its like we were both there staring at damage, I'm looking at it and he's looking at it and we're both very aware of how terrible it is. The beautiful thing about that moment is that we both also know who he is. I'm confronted by the horrific damage done in the moment I looked away, but I don't doubt his healing for a second. I'm afraid of what rehab will be like, but I expect to make a full recovery.
What can make me whole again? Nothing but your blood, King Jesus. As I sang those words in the final chorus It seemed so simple, I've been trying so hard to get through this thinking that if I could just get through the next couple of months I would be able to focus on God again. Time and circumstance and financial stability can do nothing. Jesus, its your blood.
I wish I could say that I'm pleading the blood of Christ and waiting for healing. I can't. I think rehab is as active process. Luckily, or something else like luck, Pastor was doing a series on how to study the bible. I wish I could remember his exact phrasing, he's much more eloquent than I, but I can't. He said in studying the bible you have to lay your life against God's word and let it be your standard. Or something like that. It mad me think about sitting on my dad's lap as a young boy. He was so big and so strong and I wanted/want to be like him so badly. I can remember feeling his chest rise as fall as he breathed and I remember trying to make my breath match his. He was my standard. It has to be like that with God. At the very core of who we are, God has to set the rhythm. I have to be in tune with him. That starts in his word. Tonight I pray for desire and discipline and strength. I pray that I find in the Bible a word that is living and I find in myself the desire to make my life match.