Regret

A friend wrote a short post on regret.  This was my response:
I know this going to surprise you, but I only half agree. Regret as a verb is impossible to live without outside the parameters you set, but I don’t think that’s how most people mean it. I that context I believe most use regret as a noun. That definition is:

1. A sense of loss and longing for something gone.
2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

I think by that definition it is possible, if not improbable, to come to the end of your life and have no regrets. It is my goal to live my life in such a way that on my last night on earth I know that I have not been a slave to fear, that I loved and risked and dreamed and jumped. I’m a jerk, so I’m going to spend a lot of time being sorry for things I do and say, but I’m not going to live in that guilt. I’m going to have sex with my wife and play with my kids and smoke cigars and drink whiskey with my friends. I’m going to pray and play and fly. I intend to come to the end of this knowing that I lived the best l could. I’m going to know I failed and I’m going to rest in the unending grace of Jesus.

I guess its only fair to tell you that my response finds it origins in Noah & The Whale's album Last Night on Earth.  I love it, it been the soundtrack of my life lately.  This is going to get quote intensive, but hang in there because they are all awesome.  This is a selection from the first 3 songs on that record.

The night outside is five below

His heart is pumping blood

On his lips a perfect smile

His eyes begin to flood

The night outside is five below

The moon is in the sky

His heart is full of perfect joy

He whispers his goodbye

Because tonight's the kind of night

Where everything could change

-Tonight's The Kind of Night-

He took apart his own life, left it on the shelf

Sick of being someone he did not admire

Took apart his old things, set them all on fire

He's gonna change, gonna change his ways

And it feels like his life can start

And it feels like heaven

-Life is Life-

On my last night on Earth I'll look to the sky

Breath in the air and blink in the light

On my last nigh on Earth, I'll pay a high price

To have no regrets and be done with my life

-L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N-

I'm don't know what the writer of these words believes, but they sound like gospel to me.  They are about second chances and fresh starts.  They are about dreams and courage and opportunity.  There is hope here, where does that come from if not from Jesus.  We serve a God that loves -  that is in the business of restoration and rescue.  If we don't believe in fresh starts and second chances then we've missed it.  Jesus loves without limit and forgives recklessly and completely.  He is present and he his powerful.  He is compassion and hope and promise.  He removes guilt and shame and regret.  He is good and holy and he loves you.  Tonight's the kind of night where everything could change.

Heaven Isn't Too Far Away

I've been thinking a lot about the presence and will of God lately.   Two recent conversations and book I'm reading have combined to bring the idea of God's presence and will to the front of my mind.  I can think of little else. 

How do we relate to God?  What is his level of interaction in our lives?  Where is he?  What we believe about the answers to these questions determines how we make decisions, how we relate to ourselves and others - how we live and what level of joy we find in that living. 

The idea change that's had the most impact are my thoughts on where heaven is.  The prevailing idea is that heaven, where God lives, is a far off unreachable place.  Its in outer space at the closest.  Most assume its beyond our cosmos, outside the expanse of our universe.  I'm starting to disagree.  I think Paradise, like where all the dead Christians are, is probably somewhere like that.  I think its a place - a place we can go but not easily and certainly not a place we can visit and then return.  Its a place for another life.  Can you see how the idea that God lives there is destructive to our spiritual lives here?  It creates in us the mindset that our faith is about another life - a way to ensure our ticket to heaven.  If God lives in heaven and heaven is a place for another life then any real relationship or interaction with God has to be primarily reserved for that life.  It creates a framework by witch to live in this life completely free from any interaction with our God.  It makes God free living seem normal and practical.  The power of God in our day to day is undermined and his influence diminished. 

When you think of God speaking to people in the old testament, where do you imagine that voice to come from?  I've always imagined a booming voice from the sky.  I now think it may have been more like a whisper in the ear or friend across the dinner table.  The Lord called to Abraham out of heaven, called to Hagar out of heaven, spoke to Moses from heaven.  The nation of Israel experienced fire from heaven and ate manna from heaven.  In these stories heaven isn't thought of as far away.  Heaven in right here.  Jacob, while asleep, saw the earth and heaven connected by a passage.  He saw the Lord himself standing beside him.  When he awoke he proclaimed, "God lives here!"  The understanding of God's chosen people was that God is actually here.  He speaks to us and exists in the very air around us.  God inhabits his creation the way we inhabit our bodies. 

I am a spiritual being who currently has a physical body.  I occupy my body

and environs by my consciousness of it and by my capacity to will and to

act with and through it.  I occupy my body and its proximate space, but I am

not localizable in it or around it.  You cannot find me or any of my thoughts,

feelings, or character traits in any part of my body...  Yet I am present as agent

or casual influence with and about my body and its features and movements.  In turn

what my body undergoes and provides influences my life as a personal being.  And

through my body... I can make myself present to others.

-Dallas Willard, The Devine Conspiracy

We think of the air around us as empty space - nothingness.  We think we give it meaning - we fill.  We think what isn't us in our world is nothing - that we have to occupy space for it to have presence.  My job frequently takes me out into that free space.  Up away from our presence and noise.  By that understanding where I am should be lonely - void of any presence expect mine. I can tell you that it isn't.  God doesn't feel far away, he feels very near.  The I hear him best there.  When God calls to me from heaven I experience it very differently then I have imaged Moses did.  He is near, his voice is soft but his presence is not.  God occupies that space and uses it to make himself present to me.  Heaven isn't too far away. 

This has gotten long and I'm tired so I'll save the discussion of how this influences our relationship to God and how we find our place in his will for later.

Story

I was reminded tonight of the power of story. I thought I'd tell one.  This isn't going to be a testimony, at least not specifically, I don't reckon anything I say is completely void of testimony.  I hope it isn't. If you do want to know my testimony you can find it here.

When nothing is owed, deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it.

-Avett Brothers

I grew up around aviation.  My dad was a pilot and I spent a lot of time hanging around airports and riding in small planes as a kid.  My room had models hanging from the ceiling and airplane posters were my wallpaper. All I wanted to do was fly; when I was a kid.  It was Michael Jordan and girls that first pushed aviation to the back of my mind.  

We moved some when I was young so I didn't have any real friends.  It wasn't my favorite thing but I didn't mind it much.  At least I didn't mind it until I noticed girls.  Once girls became an issue I knew one thing, "this not being noticed thing has got to stop." I knew in the fifth grade the fact that I wanted to one day be a pilot wasn't going to get me far.  I needed something now.  I saw Jordan play ball and knew that had to get him chicks.  That was really all it took, that and the only friend I had at the time tried out for the team.  That was it.  I was hooked.  I loved basketball.  I love girls.  Made perfect sense.  I didn't actively decide to not want to be a pilot anymore.  It just happened.  Basketball was what I did, flying was what my dad did.  

I grew up, got married, got a job, had a kid.  I had a great life - a good job.  A job that made sense.  I would probably still be doing if if I hadn't started going to small group at church with a pilot.  This is one of the things I think God did intentionally.  Group was at this pilot's house so I spent a lot of time playing with his son's models.  The look of the their house, the language he speaks, the schedule he keeps, all very familiar.  It started doing something to me.  I thought at first it just made me miss my dad, which it did, it also made me miss aviation.  Two things happened that really awakened a passion for aviation and an appreciation for the freedom it can provide.  I'm not sure what order they happened in, but I know they were both powerful experiences.  

First, my buddy let me fly with him.  He flies corporate jets (I know its hard to detect sarcasm is writing.  Can you detect jealousy?  There may be a hint of it there).  I don't think anybody can ride in the cockpit of a corporate jet and not want to be a pilot.  I wanted to fly, I knew it as soon as the wheels left the ground.  

My job at the time happened to be across the street from his son's daycare.  Again, I suspect God's involvement.  One Tuesday I was walking to my car for a sales call and my buddy pulled in with his son.  He had just picked the kid up early from school and was gong to take him to feed the ducks.  In the middle of the day on a Tuesday.  When they told me their plans I apparently didn't get excited enough for his son's liking.  He leaned over to look me in the face and said, "hey, its fun for kids."  You know what isn't fun for kids?  Sitting at school while dad sales ads.  Neither is watching dad sit in his chair and drink beer because his day sucked so bad he "just needs a minute." I'm not knocking an 8-5.  There are a lot of things I liked and miss about it (I have a lot of respect for people who do the best they can to provide for their families).  I just knew that if I had to do it much longer I would need a beer and I would need way more than a minute for the day's suck to wear off.  I wanted to be a pilot.  I wanted the life, not the money.  I knew it would be financially tough - I knew it would be difficult - I knew I wanted it.    

I wanted it, I just didn't do anything about it.  I'm not sure why.  I just didn't.

Shortly after my daughter was born I got up in the night to feed her.  I didn't do that a lot, but I did that night.  I wanted to have the TV on for the noise and light, but I couldn't find the remote.  I turned it on and sat down to feed her.  Once she finished eating she was wide awake so I decided we should talk a few minutes before I put her back in bed.  (I try not to talk politics on here, but I can't tell the next part without disclosing some political feelings.  Sorry.  I hope you don't stop reading).  We talked for a while and then, like you do when talking to an infant, I ran out of things to say.  I looked up and watched TV for the first time.  President Obama was on.  Not sure if it was a commercial of a news story, but he was on.  I told her he would probably be the next president.  I told her what a president was.  I told her daddy didn't care for him much.  That I didn't agree with him on a lot of things.  Then I told her that the great thing about America was that we avenues to change to the things we don't like.  I told her that I didn't like having to wait four years, but that I was glad to live in a country where I had some say.  I told her that America is the greatest country ever.  I told her that great people had done great things to make that true.  I said, "The beautiful thing about America is that even though daddy doesn't like Mr. Obama, even his story proves that America is great. His story is proof that in America you can be anything."  I looked my little girl in her beautiful wide brown eyes and told her, "this is America and you can be anything you want to be. You can do anything you want to do."  I knew as soon as it left my mouth that if I kept doing what I was doing she would never believe it.  How could she believe that she could be whatever she wanted to be if I wasn't?  I had for some time that I wanted to be a pilot. I knew then that she needed me to be one.  That I had a responsibility to her to at least try.  

The above picture isn't anything incredible, I took it today because today is 9/11.  I flew an airplane today.  This picture is a reminder that this is America.  In America you can be anything you want to be.  A lot has changed in the last ten years, but America is still great.  A reminder that there are some things no one can take away from us - that great men and women have done great things and made great sacrifices to ensure it remains that way.  A reminder that we serve a God that is both good and in complete control.  


This is America, if you want to honor her, decide what to be and go be it.  

Tin Man

You can't be like me

but be happy that you can't
I see pain but I don't feel it
I am like the old tin man

I'm as worn as a stone
I keep it steady as I can
I see pain but I don't feel it
I am like the old tin man

I used to fill the sky around
with happiness and joy
I had news to give the wind
to keep my sails and heart employed

I felt people move around me
I felt loneliness and shame
back then everyday was different
now each moment is the same

Baby bring me life or something else

So it goes a man grows cold
some would say a man grows strong
they say life only grows short
I say the road only grows long

As long as there's a road
my feet will never touch the ground
if you won't give my heart back
I've no need to stick around

-The Avett Brothers; Tin Man

The real Son of God is at your side. He is beginning to turn you into the same kind of thing as Himself. He is beginning, so to speak, to ‘inject’ His kind of life and thought, His Zoe, into you; beginning to turn the tin soldier into a live man. The part of you that does not like it is the part that is still tin.

-C.S. Lewis; Mere Christianity

I am becoming a real live man.  Its been a long and difficult process and I'm sure there is great work left to be done.

I'm afraid that it has taken so long because I had gotten to the point where I was looking for the something else.  I was aware I was tin and didn't like it.  I hated it so much I was willing to try the something else. The song is powerful because its the way most people live.  At the first hurt or disappointment so many of us "go tin."  We don't like the loneliness and shame so we harden, its only then that we realize we have lost the happiness and joy along with the pain.  Its difficult to come to the place where you welcome the pain if it means breaking the apathy and monotony that has begun to consume you.  Jon McLaughlin has a song where he says, "No one's intended to die with their heart still intact."  I believe that - for the most part - this side of Eden I think its true.  If we are not broken by our sin there is no repentance and no redemption.  We never know the life (Zoe) of Christ. 

I'm aware part of me hates this conversion.  Fortunately its less than it used to be.  The taste of life that has come is addicting - I'm becoming alive and I don't want to stop.  Part of me still wars against it.  The rest has seen enough to know it is good. I want the change. I need the wind.  This road is difficult but each step brings breath.  The tin in me is pushing back hard, but the man has tasted enough to know its worth the fight.    

In the Den

I got all emotional in the car this morning.  I guess indirectly I blame my friend Lindsay.  She suggest I read Brennan Manning’s Ragamuffin Gospel.  I wasn’t going to because, well, the title sounds stupid.  Anyway, I’m about halfway through it and I’d say its decent.  There are some places where I think Manning is brilliant and the writing is beautiful.  There are others where it feels like a chore to read it seems like an exercise in the obvious.  On the surface, I’d say the book is average at best.  The only problem with that review would be that I feel different.  I’m not sure how to describe it, something about it is working on me.  Its slow and subtle, but its working.  Something is changing.  

I’m more aware of my brokenness - constantly aware of how full of shit I am, and somehow I’m more comfortable.  I think I’m, for the first time in a real long time, able to live - at least for brief moments - in the truth of who I am in Christ.  Able to accept that he really does love and accept me for who I am - with all my shit.  I’ll write more on this when I finish the book, for now its enough to know I’m softening.  

In the car on the way to church today the daughter and I were listening to a CD my mom just got her.  It was a silly little song about Daniel in the Lions den that got me.  I’ve been in the lions den.  In a place so black and terrifying you don’t how you’ll survive.  In the dark - alone with lions.  Today God asked me to tell him when I was hurt and in what way.  How was I ever in any real danger?  The den is dark and terrifying, the kind of darkness and fear that hurts.  Anger and fear and hopeless hurt a person - they change you.  I felt harmed - I felt devoured.  I was not.  God had shut the lions’ mouths tight.  The fear and hopelessness that controlled and damaged me for so long was a function of my faith - or lack thereof.  The den was never dangerous, I just couldn’t believe it wasn’t.  God was there in the blackness whispering, “trust me, find me, I am shelter, I am protection.”  I was too afraid to move, like Peter sinking in the sea, I took my eyes off Jesus.  Thankfully, in my faithlessness Jesus remained faithful.  I was a afraid I rejected to truth he gave us in his word, I wouldn’t believe he is big enough to save me from anything.  A den of lions - like stormy seas and fiery furnaces - is overwhelming.  I go back to the question from my last blog, “How big do you think God is?”

He can save from lions, calm raging seas, and walk you through fire unburned.  He is in the business of saving.  Giants and floods - invasion and slavery God saves.  He pursues and rescues. Unemployment - Addiction - Divorce - Depression, God is bigger than your circumstance.  He went to the cross and defeated death itself.  I know it feels like you’re chin deep in your own shit.  I know you feel unlovable and afraid.  I do too.  God is not motivated by our filth.  He is motivated by his love.  Love that is unconditional.  Love that rescues.  Love that will not stop.  Love that has already washed you clean.

Big

Now the woman was a uGentile, va Syrophoenician by birth. And she begged him to cast the demon out of her daughter. 27 And he said to her,“Let the children be wfed first, for it is not right to take the children's bread and xthrow it to the dogs.” 28 But she answered him, “Yes, Lord; yet even the dogs under the table eat the children's ycrumbs.” 29 And he said to her, “For this statement you may zgo your way; the demon has left your daughter.” 3

Mark 7:26-29 ESV

This is an awesome story.  There is so much there, so many lessons in so few words. Its Jesus, what do you expect?  Preach talked about this passage for a while Sunday and we discussed it for an hour at group last night, I don't think we got it all covered, but I'm left with this question:  How big do you think God is?

The woman in the story had a problem, a big problem.  The kind of problem that overshadows every part of your life. The kind of situation that has to seem impossible - a problem with no good solution.  Well, as it turns out,one really good solution.  This woman's daughter was demon possessed.  Not had an ear infection, had a demon.  She was living with the kid from The Exorcist.  I can't imagine how hopeless and desperate she must have been.  She had to desperate, she was risking a lot - breaking a lot of rules to get to Jesus.  The social implications of this passage are incredible, the way Jesus confronts stereotypes and racism is always fun.  Anyway, she should not have been there.  Can you imagine.  She gets to the feet of Jesus, she has to know her daughter is as good as healed.  She has risked much, but she there.  I can understand the excitement of knowing that from that moment on everything will be different, better.  Then the unthinkable happens, Jesus tells her no - or worse, to wait.  Either way the response had to be devastating.  I love her response. She pushes a little more, she makes an argument.  Jesus says its not time to heal your daughter, my ministry has an order.  He told her that healing her daughter would have to wait, that there were things he needed to do first, other people to feed.  I love how well she understood the heart and power of Jesus. I'll wait on the meal, for now I just need some crumbs. 

She knew how big he was.  Her daughter being possessed was certainly the biggest thing in her life, a problem in size that few of us will ever experience.  She knew that a few crumbs from the table of grace was enough to change her life forever.  Just the crumbs and her daughter, her family would be restored.  Just crumbs - nothing would ever be the same.  

A New Kind of Afraid

Things have been getting progressively better in my spiritual life for a while now, but there has been something, just below the surface, bothering me.  A feeling I couldn't quite put my finger on.  I've felt uneasy.  The anger is mostly gone and I trust God now more than ever (I feel like I trust him completely, but there are a few things I'm having trouble letting go of so I'm not comfortable claiming complete trust at the moment).  Ok, so apparently I don't trust him completely.  That's what I'm going for though.  Maybe this uneasy feeling is why I'm having some difficulty going all in.  I think I know what it is now, I hope that helps me deal with it.

It's fear.  I'm afraid.  I use the word fear because I'm not familiar with a better word.  I love the English language, but times like these I find our practice of using the same word to mean a thousand different things incredibly frustrating.  Tonight I though about C.S. Lewis' book The Problem of Pain.  I know its weird since my problem isn't pain (at the moment), my problem is fear.  I'm not sure why I thought of it, in this text Lewis is only describing different kinds of fear as base for a larger discussion.  You should read the book, you should read all of his books.  So, there are several different emotions that we call fear.  I'm changing it, but basically Lewis breaks it down like this:  If I were to see a man with a gun walking towards my porch out of the woods right now, I would feel fear.  I would be afraid of death or physical harm.  If I were to see a ghost coming out of those same woods I would feel fear, only of a different kind.  One does not fear physical harm from a ghost, it is the difference between what I know and what I'm seeing that scares me.  I'm afraid of the ghost just because he his a ghost.  Lewis describes this as fear of the "Uncanny."  Now, if I looked up from my computer and instead of woods and darkness I saw an infinitely powerful spirit my fear would be something all together different.  Physical harm is not the fear, the unknown is not the fear, the fear here comes from my knowledge that I am all together unable to cope in this new reality.  I'm not sure it would be fear.  At least not one that is at all related to what we normally use that word to express.  Lewis describes it as a feeling of wonder and a certain shrinking.  I would feel inadequate - I would be in awe.  I say would be, I am.  Lewis uses a quote, from The Wind in the Willows, that I love (never read the book, I keep saying I'm going to).

"Afraid? murmured the Rat, his eyes shining with unutterable love.

Afraid?  Of Him?  O, never, never.  And yet - And yet- I am afraid"  

I'm no longer afraid of what God may do to me, but when I get near him its there.  Just beneath the freedom and peace and rest that He provides there is a kind of uneasy restlessness.  Its a perverted desire to do something.  I want to move, not necessarily away, just move.  I'm not sure why or what it is.  

Flying is peaceful for me.  In so many ways it mirrors my spiritual life.  Now that I'm thinking about it this feeling of uneasiness shows up when I fly from time to time.  I'm sure, now, that its in those times I feel it spiritually.  I like the perspective flying offers.  The world looks so far away.  I feel removed and small and free.  I'm comfortable flying partly because I know its safe.  However, I've noticed that just occasionally I turn into a button pusher.  I can be fidgety, and I always assumed that was it.  Every now and then I get into this thing where the whole flight I push buttons and turn nobs.  I check and recheck everything.  The plane I fly is pretty basic, you get the whole story from like 5 numbers and 4 lights.  95% of the time I set the autopilot and just relax for that portion between take off and landing (for the most part), however, on some flight I find myself constantly looking at the manifold pressure, RPM, oil pressure, and fuel burn over and over.  I usually chock it up to just being bored or fidgety.  The thing is, I'm not those things when I fly.  I'm perfectly content to just fly.  I think the restlessness in the airplane is just a physical manifestation of a restlessness in my spiritual life.  

That's a lot of words to basically say that the idea of being in God's presence, while wonderful, also frightens me a little. I'm not sure what to do with it. Any ideas?

Good to see you again

I decided back in January that I wasn't going to be writing on here anymore.  I was pretty sure I'd run out of things to say.  I was probably wrong about that.  The thing is, the story isn't over.  I believe the extreme and easiest to write about portion of this journey is over, I'm not angry all the time anymore.  There is no struggle to know who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing.  I believe I'm through that, I'll never be able to tell you how much I appreciate you being there through it with me.  I think the mistake I made was thinking the day to day doesn't matter.  I feel confident in the direction, but the execution is difficult and my patience is often small.  I think in a million different ways every day God is showing me who he is and who I am in him.  These little things probably warrant sharing from time to time.  Plus it looks like I'm going to have some time on my hands.  So, my plan is to revisit this site, even if its briefly, whenever I'm in an airport is some far away exotic location.  Today I'm in Atlanta.  

Since I last posted a lot has changed.  I'm not working at The Home Depot, probably a big reason why I'm not just mad all the time (I'm really thankful for that place, it was a bridge. Necessary).  I'm instructing and flying contract for a retirement planning company. I'm looking for and will eventually really need something different, but its a descent place to be now and I'm building flight time faster than I ever have.   Honestly, If we could pay our bills on this I wouldn't mind hanging out in this place a while.  I'm flying, and people are paying me to do it, that's really living the dream.  I need to be able to make a career out of it.  House, cars, kids going to college, retirement, these are things I need aviation to eventually provide.  Right now I'd settle for a dinner at Sullivan's.  Anyway, I love what I'm doing and I'm happier in it than I've ever  been.   

The sum up from the last several years of searching is this: God is good, difficult to understand and infuriating in his timing, but ultimately very good.  I exist for the singular purpose of saying that as often and as loudly as possible, and my vehicle to carry that message is more often than not going to be an airplane.  

I love to fly, and I'm good at it.  Those things are gifts.  Not everyone knows what it is they really want to do, I do.  It stared me in the face most of my life and I never saw it.  God gave it to me on his time. It turns out a lot of people think aviation is cool and I get a lot of really positive comments on what I do, I love the attention.  I wish I didn't, its one of the things I battle against.  The other thing I get is people telling me how proud they are what I've done.  I appreciate that to.  Aviation is a lot of work.  I've studied and worked harder at this than anything I've ever done.  I've taken chances and a lot of people have made sacrifices to make this possible.  I don't intend to downplay what has been accomplished, its difficult and the number of people capable of it is small.  Its taken years too get here and I'm years from making a career of it.  Its difficult.  I had no choice.  When your in the kind of dark place I was in and God shows you something, anything, you grab a hold of it with all you have.  Not much was clear, flying was.  I was going to fly no matter what it cost me, short of my family, and I was sure God wouldn't call me to something that would require that. 

I took the picture at the top there on a flight to Richmond, VA.  I'm surprised it came out so good, I was pretty emotional when I took it.  I realized the other day that my iPad can be plugged into the airplane radio and played through my headset.  I was listening to Nickel Creek's When You Come Back Down.  I'm a little sensitive to music.  God uses it to get at me pretty often.  I've had moments flying that were powerful affirmations of God's plan for me.  None as powerful as that one.  God is so good.  His plans are best.  He is faithful.  What he wants for you is better than what you want.  What God has for you is worth whatever it costs you and better on his timing.  That moment, for me, was the difference between believing that to be true and knowing that it is.  God is amazing.  Consider this a standing ovation.  

  

Fix

In small group this week we talked about learning to meditate on God's word.  Not just reading or studying, but really taking some time to think about and digest it.  I feel like I'm a pretty good mediator, in a very loose and undirected sense.  It comes from my dad.  I never really thought about it growing up, but dad used to just sit in the den in the dark for hours.  I always thought it was because he was a night freight pilot and couldn't sleep when he was home at night.  It probably had some to do with that, but I think he it may have been quite a bit of meditating going on.  I'm sure he would crap if he knew I was suggesting that he ever meditated.  Strange as it is, I like sitting alone in the dark myself.  I think real good alone in the dark. 

Sad thing is, I've never really done it in conjunction with my quiet time.  You have to have the lights on to read the Bible (That's changed now that you can get the Holy Scriptures in 100 languages on your Ipod).  The other problem with the way I meditate is that it has traditionally been very undisciplined.  I just let my thoughts wonder at random.  That actually changed about a year ago when I started learning how to instrument fly.  

There was some quote Pip read about meditation making the truth real, or something.  To me its about making the 2D - 3D.  Its about taking very flat text and giving life.  Allowing words to create images that exist in real time and space.  When I started learning how to fly with just reference to instruments I initially had a really hard time with holding patterns.  The point of a holding pattern in to get an airplane to a certain point and have it wait there until traffic is clear and it can go on to destination.  The problem with these points is you can't see them.  If your instrument flying you can't see anything.  If you could you wouldn't need to fly by reference to instruments anyway.  Kind of like if we could see Jesus we wouldn't need to read about him in a Book.  So, if an Air Traffic Controller (ATC) needs you to fly a hold the instructions are going to sound something like this:

   

“492BC, hold north-west of the Volunteer VOR on the 330 degrees radial, left turns, maintain 5000 feet, expect further clearance at 1730, time is 1712”

Now, that's a bunch of garbage.  Not much in that makes any sense at all. Its flat.  I just can't see it.  When I first started learning it took me forever to figure out how to execute that.  The biggest problem with it is there are three different ways to enter an holding pattern and you have to choose based on your position relative to the holding fix.  I could never quite get those relative positions right.  Not until I started meditating.  I would sit in the dark and read sample holding clearances and try to see them out in the dark space of the room.  It took a while but I got it.  Meditation can take that mess you just read and turn it into something you can see (tried to find a good image to use here but they were all 2D, go figure).  Anyway, that sentence up there has a lot of information in it.  Who you are. What direction you should be going.  Which way to turn.  Where to go, what to do, and when to expect further direction.  All of this is very important but it does you no good if you can't visualize it.  You have to be able to accurately place yourself in the picture it paints.  

I took some time recently to meditate, or think.  I was intentional about focusing on God and my relative position to him.  As usual a song by Andrew Peterson played over and over in my head.  

And when Elisha woke surrounded by the forces
Of the enemies of God, the enemies of God
He saw the hills aflame with angels on their horses
So in the night, my hope lives on

I see the armies of the enemy approaching
And the people driven, trembling, to the shore
But a doorway through the waters now is opening
So in the night, my hope lives on
And I can see the crowd of men retreating
As he stands between the woman and their stones
And if mercy in his holy heart is beating
Then in the night, my hope lives on

These aren't just nice Bible stories.  This is His story.  Its a story that is still alive.  A story being written.  A story we are being written into.  It seems the some of the faces change but the pattern does not.  God rescues.  He stands in the gap between us and the accuser.  Creates a way when the end seems dead. He continues to fight battles we have no hope of winning.  Can you see yourself in these stories?  Do you see the power of the will that holds back oceans?  Can you see fire in the eyes that go to battle?  Do you see compassion on a hand as it draws in the dirt?  I have been - I am now in the middle of all three stories.  

God is constant.  He is love.  He is present.  He is the fix and we must hold there.  I hope you can see it.

Narrow Paths

We discussed the story of Hosea and Gomer in small group tonight.  One of the questions was something about if following God is easy or hard.  I felt a little off tonight and was barely listening so I'm not sure how it was phrased, but they were asking if anyone had done what they thought God was asking them to do only to find that life got more difficult.  I was pretty determined not to speak tonight, but our group leader (who knows my story pretty well) asked me directly.  I really don't remember what I said, I'm sure it didn't make sense, but I do know I said something about making sure my son knows that following God isn't always going to be roses.  I stand by that, but I also want to make sure that he knows that submitting to God's will for his life is exactly what he should do and is in his best interest.  

I think its important to let your kids know that following God is sometimes going to be very difficult.  God is very big and very smart and we are very small and very dumb.  We don't get it, ever.  Stuff doesn't make sense and that's difficult sometimes.  If you tell your kids that Christianity is all slingshots and giant boats and jackets made with many colors the world is going to show them that you get hit with rocks, eaten by whales, and throw into pits.  Its hard to make sense of a God that's all love and cake and rainbows from in the belly of a big nasty fish.  You need to show them as much of God as possible, even the parts that make us uncomfortable.  You don't need to make excuses for or downplay anything about who God is.  Life will show them eventually and it'll be easier if you have already painted an accurate picture.

I feel like I've learned a lot about God in the past few years.  They have been difficult years.  There is very little I would change about them.  When God gave me aviation, called me to it, I thought it was a way out of the depression I had been sliding in and out of since dad died.  I thought it would be easy, I should have known better.  I grew up watching my dad fight through one professional setback after the other, plus I knew by then that the really important lessons are never easy to learn and you have to work at anything worth doing and fight to keep anything worth having.

When God called me to fly (I have no doubt its a calling, apparently not everyone who is called has to be a preacher or missionary) I was in a bad place.  I had fallen a long way into the bottom of a very big hole.  It was dark and I was injured - injured bad.  Broken and bloody I thought I might die there - I couldn't see a way out.  I would love to say that God put a Cessna 172 down there and I was able to fly myself out, but it hasn't gone like that so far.  He showed me a path.  Its a small, steep path littered with obstacles and slippery places and I am still nursing some pretty nasty wounds, but I'm on the path and that gives me hope.  In the bottom of that hole there is no hope and there can be no joy.  The path out is difficult but it provides hope and joy becomes a possibility.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I bitch a lot, but I'm pretty happy with where I am.  I don't want to stay here, I want to go farther but I'm happy to be on the path God has set in front of me.

One other small thing:  Something was said tonight about the bad things being the way we know what is good.  Like if we never had anything bad happen we would be able to be thankful.  There was a follow up statement about bad being the norm or seeming like it making the small glimpses we get of good being real pictures of who God is.  Again, I'm off tonight and wasn't really paying attention, but I think this is a little backwards.  We are created in the image of a perfect God with eternity breathed into every beat of our hearts.  We respond so strongly to death and injustice and poverty and pain because we were never meant to experience them.  We should be naked in paradise, in perfect communion with our creator.  I'm sure this is all just semantics, but I still think its important.  Creation is good, life is good, God is good.  Darkness needs to light to define it, light and love and good stand alone.

We Built This City

So, I rocked out to some Jefferson Starship on the way home from the Airport tonight.  I'm not sure if they are still cool, but I don't care.  I actually felt ok about myself so I rocked it with the windows down,

So, I starting thinking about what kind of city I want my kids to grow up in. What will be the foundation they have to stand on.  I'm not talking about within our family as much as the community we do life with, our village.  If it takes one to raise a child, I think we need to be intentional about what the one we live in values and is characterized by.  I'm on this now because I've had, for me, a rare opportunity to hang out with my friends in somewhat large groups lately.  Our small group split and so there is one on a night I can go to now, first time in over 60 weeks.  And some of the guys started having breakfast together once a week. I hope that this will be my new norm, and I'm excited about the change it will bring to my life and my family, but with two kids I can't help but wonder what they will see in the community we have chosen to raise them in.

Obviously, we want all we do to be founded in and born out of the gospel of Christ.  He is the rock everything else is built on.  I thought about leaving this out because it should go without saying, like when I say Sandra Bullock is the hottest woman alive I clearly mean with the exception of my wife, but I knew you would judge me.  The problem is that as soon as you mention Christ the discussion of anything else, even with different terminology, seems off.  Its difficult to mention anything else, what can follow Christ as an answer?

So, if you ask what we are building our city on and have Christ as the obvious given and will not accept that as the answer thereby forcing me to come up with non-christian, or not expressly Christian, answers then I'd say the following:  We are building our city on laughter.  We laugh a lot.  Only a few of us are funny at all, but we still manage to laugh a lot and I love that about us.  We are building our city on the long meal.  We eat together, I'm can't explain why that means so much, but it does.  We are building our city on openness, honesty and vulnerability.  I'm convinced these things only exist together.  I know the people I hang out with.  I know things they won't put on facebook or tweet about.  I don't read about them, I experience them.  We built this city on honesty and trust.  We built it on vulnerability and laughter.  We built it on dinners and parties and drinks and cigars.  Its built on faith and grace and just a little rock and roll.    

Gone Boxing

In the clearing stands a boxer 
And a fighter by his trade 
And he carries the reminders 
Of ev'ry glove that layed him down 
Or cut him till he cried out 
In his anger and his shame 
"I am leaving, I am leaving" 
But the fighter still remains 

-Paul Simon-

I'm sitting in room 322 at UT hospital watching my wife feed my son -my son.  He's an awesome little guy.  I hear  people all the time talk about how seeing or holding their kids for the first time instantly changes them.  I'm sure it doesn't work that way for me.  Change I want to happen takes effort, its change I don't want that comes quickly and out of nowhere.  Sometimes the change I want is better than the change I don't, but sometimes the least expected and most terrifying change is the best thing that could ever happen.  

I'm gonna say this now, this one time, and then deny it until I die.  I did not want to have another kid right now.  I didn't feel ready. I felt out of control, and accidentally getting pregnant did not help the situation.  I'm in a bad but improving career situation and we knew we would have to move soon.  It felt irresponsible bringing another kid into that situation.  I had a very hard time getting excited about having this baby.  We didn't even get the nursery finished.  It didn't seem fair to him or the rest of us.  Sitting here now I'm confronted with the stupidity, ignorance, and short-sided selfishness of those feelings.  

My son's name is Carter.  He has the same initials as my dad and I.  We didn't name him until 24 hours after he was born.  Nothing seemed right.  The initials thing became very important to me.  I like having him linked to my dad that way.  He'll never know my dad, and I'm not sure I have enough of the good that was in him left in me for Carter to know him that way, so I think having something of his Granddad's may link them in a way I can't.  It feels like tying the loose ends together a little.  

Carter's arrival doesn't take away the pain of loosing my dad or make that ok in any way, but its a reminder that life moves on.  It's sometimes cruel and dark, but not always.  Life is good because its inventor it is good.  


I wrote everything up to this point on our third night in the hospital.  I didn't really know how to finish it then, still don't.  I don't have any idea what the Simon and Garfunkel song has to do with anything except that I couldn't get it out of my head that night.  I feel like I complain on here a lot - these last few years have been difficult.  I've given God a hard time and I've felt like I wasn't getting much better from him.  That's so stupid.  God has been good, really good.  He provides and protects. He loves and pursues.  My life screams of his mercy and grace.  


These last few years have been marked by loss and anger and isolation and confusion.  In the rare moments of clarity, moments like this one, I can see also see what I have been allowed to hold on to and what I have gained.  I have wonderful family (mom, sisters, brother in laws, a beautiful niece and two really cool nephews), I have the best friends anyone has ever had, my wife is amazing (for more on her read this and this),  my daughter is beautiful and funny and healthy, I have a son.  Yes, money is tight and our financial future uncertain, but I know what I want to do.  I know my calling - its not much, just a little dream.  Yea, life is good.


I am not.  About 10 years ago I quit basketball.  I was a freshman in college and I didn't like the way it was going, it required too much - got too hard.  I never should have quit, at least not like that.  I left mid-season, what kind of team mate was I.  That's shady.  I learned then that quitting is an option, that one decision created a habit.  I've been quitting every since.  Not very often in large noticeable ways, but in sneaky small ways in the most difficult moments I shut down - bow out.  I think that's what one of my current jobs is designed to break me of.  I hate it.  I like the people and appreciate that it pays bills and provides insurance, but I hate going there everyday knowing its not where my future lies, I want to quit everyday - so far I haven't.  I'm going to see it through to its end.  


I'm off topic.  Here's the thing:  I've been pushed to the limit by sin and doubt and anger and shame.  I'm not afraid anymore, its all been flushed.  I'm going  to take a stand.  My family deserves at least that.  I'm too weak now to advance much, but I'm going to hold my ground.  This is as far as I'm willing to slide.  Its not going to look like much. This post will probably be the most noticeable thing I do, but in sneaky ways in the  tough moments I'm going to hold my ground.    


I'm not sure what that will look like in me anymore, but I saw Jesus in my parents and I'm going to do all I can to ensure my kids see him in me.  
      
          

X-ray

I got to go to church today for the first time in several months. I didn't know really what to expect, but I was sure I wouldn't be able to get right back to where I was spiritually before the events of the last 15 months, I mean, how long does it take to recover from a year long backslide? I actually felt pretty good going into the service. I knew I was a little banged up spiritually, but I felt like I was doing the best I could do given the circumstances.

We have a moment of prayer before each service, and today my prayer was simple. I thanked God for my mom and wife who are both fantastic women of God and asked that wherever I was in my relationship with him that today he would make clear where I was and what steps I needed to take to become the kind of spouse and parent he wants me to be.

What can wash away my sin? What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. I don't have the words to describe what happened as I, for the first time in months, praised the God of healing. Have you ever gone to the doctor for something little, something you didn't think would even require medical attention? You know, one of those doctor visits you make just to pacify a parent or spouse. Imagine if they took an x-ray and the Doctor comes in and flips on the light on that little board and you see clearly that all your bones are broken. Completely broken.

I knew I had fallen, but that picture was terrifying and sobering. The reality of what falling has done to me is overwhelming. The confession and repentance that took place in that moment was unlike anything I've ever experienced. It all happened very suddenly. Its like we were both there staring at damage, I'm looking at it and he's looking at it and we're both very aware of how terrible it is. The beautiful thing about that moment is that we both also know who he is. I'm confronted by the horrific damage done in the moment I looked away, but I don't doubt his healing for a second. I'm afraid of what rehab will be like, but I expect to make a full recovery.

What can make me whole again? Nothing but your blood, King Jesus. As I sang those words in the final chorus It seemed so simple, I've been trying so hard to get through this thinking that if I could just get through the next couple of months I would be able to focus on God again. Time and circumstance and financial stability can do nothing. Jesus, its your blood.

I wish I could say that I'm pleading the blood of Christ and waiting for healing. I can't. I think rehab is as active process. Luckily, or something else like luck, Pastor was doing a series on how to study the bible. I wish I could remember his exact phrasing, he's much more eloquent than I, but I can't. He said in studying the bible you have to lay your life against God's word and let it be your standard. Or something like that. It mad me think about sitting on my dad's lap as a young boy. He was so big and so strong and I wanted/want to be like him so badly. I can remember feeling his chest rise as fall as he breathed and I remember trying to make my breath match his. He was my standard. It has to be like that with God. At the very core of who we are, God has to set the rhythm. I have to be in tune with him. That starts in his word. Tonight I pray for desire and discipline and strength. I pray that I find in the Bible a word that is living and I find in myself the desire to make my life match.

The Right Direction

I noticed just now that I haven't posted on here in over a month. I wish I had something clever or wise to say now but I don't, shocker, I know. I'm here because I have literally nothing else to do. I am stuck in a hotel room.

Today has been one of the most frustrating days I've had in a long time. Its the culmination of weeks of the most frustrating days I can remember. I've been preparing for years to get to this point, I am on the verge of getting paid to fly. I have my commercial license so technically I can get paid now, but the Instructor certificate is what will allow me to get paid a little (very little) now. The problem is the FAA. I have to take my CFI (certified flight instructor) checkride with them. All the others have been with a local examiner, but this one has to be with the Feds in Nashville. So, I have prepared for weeks for the longest (near 8 hours) and most difficult test of my life only to fly down here and be told my paperwork isn't right (they ok'd it before I came) and I can't take the test. After that they informed me there is also a paperwork problem with the plane so I can't fly it home. I'm stuck here until the airplane's owner can get the proper paperwork done and faxed to me. I'm in a hotel with no car and nothing on TV.

It's weird, but its been a pretty good day. Maybe a great day. Today was the kind of day that drives people to drink or intentionally hurt other people, but for me it was just a day that was better than the one before it. Part of that comes from it being over. I have been dreading it and worrying about it for so long - it was worse than I thought it would be, but its over. That's part of it, but I think the main thing here is that I got up this morning and went after something I'm passionate about. It was a misstep, but it was a misstep in the right direction. I'm certain that doesn't make sense. I'd rather stumble down this road than sail down any other. I'm more certain of that now than I was when I went to bed last night. Its a good day that teaches you something like that about yourself.

I try not to offer advice much on here, I don't know shit, but I'm feeling reckless so here goes. If your doing something you don't love - stop it. Choose what you want to be and go be it. I'm talking professionally. I know there are people out there that have no idea what career they would be passionate about so they do their job the best they can and then pour what's left of themselves into family or church or working out or boating or whatever else they know they love. That's great, I have a lot of respect for those people and would tell them to keep doing what they're doing. If you have a dream, please chase it. I can tell you it will probably be difficult - it might take longer than you expect - it will cost more than you can imagine - but today I learned that the worst day spent in pursuit of that dream in better than any spent waiting on 5. Taking care of family and meeting your obligations and responsibilities as spouse and parent are admirable and good and worthwhile and I'm not knocking those things, if fact, I advocate them. Do those things. Work - be productive - create and build and do and provide. If you know there is a way to take that ride in a vehicle you know you're passionate about, take the risk. Its worth it, that's all I'm saying.