Approaching Dawn

The Voice

2012-02-14T21:16:00.001-05:00

Even with good intentions and great talent we will completely destroy ourselves, everything and everyone around us if we are not intentionally and consistently seeking to be in the presence of and in step with the will of God. If we are submissive to the voice of God in our lives we will be powerful, unique and world changing. Even great talent and extraordinary motivation are loss when separated from from the creative voice that brought all things into existence. If we look away for a moment we can, like Peter, succumb to the storm around us and be lost to the waves.

This has been a challenging week. A week where I'm completely off balance. I've felt like a baby deer trying to stand on a frozen pool. No traction. No footing. Nothing to hold on to. I've found some solid ground in Psalms 139 and in The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer.

God is everywhere. We can be nowhere that he is not near. He knows us and loves us. Our problem is often that we choose to be blind to His presence and deaf to his voice. I took the above picture last week on a short flight down to Atlanta. It's one of the most breathtaking things I have ever seen. The picture in no way does it justice. There can be no doubt that there is a God and that he his powerful and creative and loving and beautiful. This picture is the natural out flowing of his nature. The creator expresses himself in and through his creation. With a simple and powerful, "Let there be..." God spoke all things into existence. John says that in the beginning was the word and that same word is still present, still speaking life and beauty - adventure and love into the lives and hearts of those who will quiet themselves and listen. Allow yourself to hear his voice and submit to his will as he leads you in the way everlasting.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:State Highway 336,Maryville,United States

Build A Rocket

2012-01-26T01:50:00.001-05:00

I'm impatient. I always have been, I'm impulsive and all about instant gratification. I have made some really bad decisions in attempts to get where I think I need to be in the shortest amount of time. I do not like waiting. It seems God enjoys asking me to wait. I think it's our thing. It's way more important than that makes it sound. Like the young ruler and his wealth, I don't want to let go of my timeline. I want to put God's plans on my schedule. It doesn't work, turns out God has a pretty specific timeline in mind for these plans of his.

I had lunch with (I was going to say best friend here, but I think that comes up short. Imagine how little Jimmy Olsen feels when he finds out that Clark Kent, his friend, is also Superman, his hero. It's like that) this guy I know today and he is in the same place I was in before I started flying full time. He hates his job, hates it so bad it effects how he is in other areas of his life. You would think I would be the perfect person to give advice (@jonacuff is the perfect person to get this advice from but he lives in Nashville plus I must of lost his #. Read Quitter). I used to hate my job and now I love it. Anyway, the problem is that when I was there I didn't handle it very well. I gave it very little effort, fortunately it didn't take much. I hated it so bad I started to hate myself a little. I got very good at a dangerous game called self-deprecating humor. It's dangerous because people love it. It's dangerous because you start to believe it. I made jokes because I felt small and everyone laughed and knew they were jokes - everyone but me. I started to believe they were truth. It's hard not to. Then I quit before I really should have. I did not do it right. One major problem, it's worked out beautifully thus far.

What do you say there? I did it this way and it worked great but thats wrong and you should stay in that crap hole you're in until God opens another door.
I doubt that would be well received. Ok, so I don't know.

I do know that God has extended to me more grace than I could ever have imagined. It extends beyond salvation and redemption. This scares me to say, but I think it's bigger than the cross. Its difficult to look at the enormity of what was accomplished on Calvary and continue to look for more - it can't possibly get better. Can it? I'm starting to think it can. This grace has been so freely given that it has begun to wind around and influence every part of my life. What God seems to want is to do life with us. At church we talk talk about joining a life group to find people to do life with. Finding a God to do life with is more than I ever though possible. Jesus provided us a way into the very presence God himself. It's invitation to lay our plans and their time lines out next to God's and see first hand that his ways are better. It's to know that every aspect of your life in the hands of the almighty.

Sometimes these things take time. It's the tension we live in. We are created in God's image with his life breathed into us and yet we live in a very finite space. We seem to only want part - to grow up but not old. We long to take hold of the beauty and adventure that is all around us but our reach is short and our grasp is weak. We need a partner in this. I believe that when we ask God for the moon his response is usually, "Ok, let's build a rocket boys".

Build a rocket is an album by Elbow and I listened to Lippy Kids on flight down today, that's where this idea comes from. Buy the album.

I'm doing these from the IPad, as I'm sure you can tell from the tag it will add just below here. It's going to make this process kind of fast and dirty. I don't know how to do much on this thing and typing is awkward, this has not been proofread. I hope his allows you to get what I'm thinking without all the bull I would edit in later. I'm afraid you may also get a lot of bull I would have edited out. Let's face it, you read this blog and you're in for a lot of bull. This way is faster which may lead to my doing it more. If you hate it let me know and I'll go ahead a block you. Thanks

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Gulf Center Dr,Fort Myers,United States

Remember

2012-01-17T01:04:00.001-05:00

I want a little bit of everything, the biscuits and the beans, whatever helps me to forget about the things that brought me to my knees. -Dawes

Over and over again I try to forget. I fly and read and dance with the kids. I smoke cigars and drink whiskey and laugh. I love my wife and watch T.V. I write and Facebook and text. I read everything but Bible - talk to anyone but God.

I try to keep moving, but I'm on my knees. Tonight I remember. My daughter asked why I don't get to have a daddy. Then she wanted to know where he went and why he can see Jesus when we can't.

Those are tough questions, but they lead to more difficult truths. The reason I struggle so much has little to do with my Dad. His death may have been the trigger, but it's apathy and selfishness and pride that destroy me. Oh, and I'm a liar. It's my shield. I do it so you never know me entirely. It's easier to be unknown and accepted than known and rejected. I would love to tell you all my secrets and have you love me anyway, but I know you wouldn't.

It's insanity that, with that mindset, I talk to anyone but God. Every single time I spend any time with God it's always the same thing. "I know you completely and I love you perfectly". Over and over God demands that I remember and then further demands that I accept his grace. Quiet time feels like a game of "who's is bigger". My shit, his grace. He's won, which means I win. The truth is that he offers what I want most: unconditional love and acceptance. I can't understand why I keep running from it. I know I'm holding on to something. I'm afraid if I play this final card he may not have the grace to trump it. I'm afraid I'll win and lose it all. We all do it, I think, accept that God's grace is bigger than any sin but our own. I don't know why. I wish we would stop. I'm not sure how. I'll close with some of the verses I cling to in the hope that you believe them. In the hope that, someday, I can too.

And we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:14

And from his fullness we have all received grace upon grace. John 1:16 (those last three words will be included in the tattoo I may some day get)

But where sin increased, grace abounded all the more. Romans 5:20

-Posted using Blogpress from my IPad.

Value

2011-12-13T15:44:00.000-05:00

I'll fly over phone lines, interstates, state lines, barricades. Anywhere you need to be safe.

-Charlie Hardin

If you think I've given up on you you're crazy
And if you think I don't love you well then you're just wrong
In time you might take to feeling better
Time is the beauty of the road being long

I know that now you feel no consolation
But maybe if I told you and informed you out loud
I say this without fear of hesitation
I can honestly tell you that you make me proud

-Blues Traveler

The last few weeks have been difficult and very stressful. I'm under investigation by the FAA. There were some reports that I was flying lower than I was supposed to be and the FAA has to investigate those reports. I wasn't low, and I have proof of that in the form of voice recordings from Air Traffic Control. However, I don't trust the FAA. They write the rules and then enforce them. The whole system is under their control. Everyone says they can't do anything and have nothing to go on, but I can't shake the feeling that they can do anything they want and I know from earlier experience that they aren't always concerned about whats right or fair. They are only concerned with what they can do, and they can suspend my license. I've been sick about it for weeks.

This is the kind of thing you put yourself through when you forget who you are in Christ. I probably won't loose my license over this, but if I did it wouldn't change who I am or how God values me. My problem is that I believe what the world says about me. I believe what the church says about me. I loose sight of Jesus and believe what I say about me. My worth is not found in jobs or licenses or small group attendance or what kind of husband and father I am. I hope I get to keep flying, and attend every small group we ever have, and do right by my wife and kids. I'm going to give those things the best I have. I love all of those things so much and they are all very clearly gifts God is willing and happy to give. They are great things, but they are not where my identity or value is found. My life is wholly owned by Christ and my value is found under the cover of his blood and grace.

Thousands of years ago God walked in a new world of his creation. A creation alive with every kind of plant and animal that we know, and probably many that we don't. A creation new and good. Paradise, yet something was missing. I'm not sure what form God took as he walked the face of his new creation and I don't really understand how the trinity plays out that way. I imagine God the Father on earth must have looked a lot like Jesus, I've been told I look like my dad and that Carter looks a lot like me. I imagine God walking through the fresh morning mist admiring his new creation and thinking. Thinking about what was to come and what it would cost. I can see him squat down and fill his hands with new dust. As his hand closes around it the future flashes before all knowing eyes. I believe he saw me then, I believe he saw you. He saw the heartache and death and hell we would bring to his new creation. I see him sigh as he sees it, ordains it. And then the voice of his son from heaven, "Dad, I'll go. I'll pay it. They will bring you joy and glory. I will make the way." Through the blood of his son God sees us. He sees that we are good. Redeemed. From the beginning he knew. He chose. He chose me and he chose you. With unstoppable love and overwhelming grace God lifts that hand full of dust and squeezes his own image into it. And then he raises it to his mouth and breathes. Breaths his life into you and me.

Years later religious leaders bring a woman caught in adultery to Jesus. They asks him what should be done with her. She had sinned and the penalty for her sin was death. What would Jesus do? In John 8 we see God again reach down and get his hands dirty. I don't know what Jesus wrote or drew in the sand, but I know he remembered that morning in the beginning when, with a hand full of dirt, the Father had set a plan in motion. In Jesus' first words to the woman, I believe, we see the results of that plan. "Neither do I condemn you." She had value. It wasn't found in her actions or social standing. I was rooted in a hand full of dirt that God squeezed his image and breathed his life into. It found its completion in the God before her whose love for her would drive him to the cross.

I love the story because it is mine. It is ours. We are caught in our sin. We are clearly guilty. We expect the stoning because we know we deserve it. This story is powerful because it reminds us that Jesus is not in the stoning business. He's in the redeeming business. Things are only worth what someone is willing to pay for them. You see really ugly paintings sell for millions because they are valued by someone. The fact that anyone is willing to buy it gives it value and that value is exactly equal to the price that is paid. In light of what Jesus did do buy you back, what would say your value is?

Today

2011-11-29T01:16:00.001-05:00

Today - 4.5 Billion people live without Christ. Today - 1.5 billion people woke up and laid down having never heard the name Jesus. Today - 26,000 children died from malnutrition and preventable debases. Today - I did nothing.

This morning the word was wait. I was reminded by a dear friend to wait on Jesus. Rely on and rest in Christ. I believe that to be what God desires in our hearts. Reliance on and faith in Him. I believe we must guard and quiet our hearts so there is a place for Jesus. The work there is tender and slow.

Tonight the word is go. Quiet waiting is not God's desire for our hands and feet and check books. We are the Church. We have a mission. The stakes are high and the need is urgent. Tomorrow people will die and face an eternity without Jesus. Now is the time for action, today is the day of salvation.

I don't know what I can do tomorrow to make a dent in those statistics, but I better make damn sure I figure out a way to do more than I did today. The world cannot afford for Christians to live the way I lived today. The least and first thing we should do is commit ourselves to doing something, God has promised that if we are faithful to preach many will hear and call his name and be saved. Not enough is made of that promise. What are we going to do about that? It's way to big of a promise to be ignored.

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Scar Tissue

2011-11-21T14:35:00.001-05:00

I don't like reading the Bible. I know, it sounds terrible. It is terrible. I'm really worried about it. I've thought for the longest time that this was just some kind of weird holdover from darker spiritual days. I'm sure that it is, I spent years not reading the book, not caring what God had to say, and feeling like the more I learned about God the more uncomfortable I was with him.

Please don't think I don't believe the Bible or don't have a desire to accurately understand what it teaches. I love the Bible. I love that I have it in 5 different versions right on my phone and IPad. I want to know God and his will for my life. I read as much as I can about God in as many books as I can get my hands on and I do read the Bible, I enjoy it when its directed study. When I'm reading it for answers to specific theological questions. I don't like undirected mass reading. I have a hard time understanding why. It's the greatest story ever told. It bothers me that I can read all seven Harry Potter books multiple times and then get bored reading scripture. J.K. Rowlings is not a better story teller than God. The Bible is more powerful and interesting and relevant than any book ever written and yet it's the most difficult for me to read. It is life and joy and peace and salvation and I'm bored by it. How can that be? It's very frustrating. I think I'm doing it on purpose. I distance myself from it's stories because I know they are mirrors. I am Thomas and Judas and Peter (I'm denying, sinking Peter, not walks on water Peter the rock). It's easier to create distance and be bored than to take a good look at what I am and how I live. I'm confident in who I am in Christ and I understand how God, in perfect grace and love, sees me through the blood of his Son. I know what Jesus accomplished on the cross and I know he did his work there perfectly. It's just difficult to be reminded of why it was necessary.

I'm in a better place spiritually than I have been in a very long time and I feel like I'm continuing to improve. However, I'm constantly discovering ways in which my rebellion is still effecting me. I'm scarred. The healing process is not complete, my recovery is ongoing.

When it comes to the Bible it seems the scar tissue is thick. It restricts free movement and makes any stretch painful. I simply can't jog through the Bible with the same pace and enjoyment I can other books. It's time I see it for what it is - rehab. I want to do so much so quick, but it hurts enough to stop me before I really get started.

The past few months I've spent a good amount of time studying scripture. That kind of Bible reading I can do. If I pick a topic and read to understand that topic the pain is minimized. I look up what scripture deals with the issue I'm researching and read only that scripture and the text surrounding it. I've read an awful lot of Bible lately, but I've done it to nail down one issue at a time. I can't just open the Book and start reading. It's like someone sneaking up in the dark and ripping a bandage off when you're not expecting it. I know these muscles have to stretched to be strengthened, I think I was just expecting the process to be less painful. I've been surprised by the difficulty.

God has been as compassionate and kind and gentle as possible, some things are just going to hurt. I watched my wife take a splinter out of my daughters foot a while back. The wife was being kind and reassuring and gentle, the daughter was screaming like someone was trying to kill her. I'm sure that's how this is going to be for me. If, in the next few posts, it seems like I'm screaming you have one of two options: 1. Ignore it. It will all be over soon and it's ok it you want to look away. I'm afraid it might not be pretty. 2. Help hold me down.

The Debate

2011-11-09T12:18:00.077-05:00

This is about Predestination vs. Free will. Calvinism vs Arminianism. This is also the second time I've posted it. The first time seemed argumentative. It is difficult for me to address one without pointing out what I see to be flaws in the other. These ideas are often in direct contrast with one another. To say you believe one on the basis of scripture is to say that you believe anyone who disagrees with you has misinterpreted the Bible. It's going to seem like a big deal. There isn't a way around it that I can see. I've taken some of the most abrasive language out in an attempt to discuss my viewpoint without invoking a fight response from those who disagree. I'm not a Bible scholar, a lot of people smarter than me have been engaged in this debate for a long time. I'm simply trying to lay this out in what I see as a logical way and one that also is in line with scripture as a whole and is consistent with what I know and have experienced of God in my life. I'm not trying to view scripture through the lens of my experience, I'm trying to do the the exact opposite. However, God has moved in my life in very real ways and I would be downplaying some very obvious miracles if I didn't acknowledge them as real and powerful works of God. Again, I'm not trying to piss anyone off or create tension or argument. I really just need to get this out of my head a little. However, I enjoy the discussion so feel free to comment. Also I have made little effort to make this flow. There are no transitions. It's brain splatter. Disclaimer done.

This is an issue that I have been struggling with since before I read the Rob Bell book several weeks ago. It's come up in several conversations lately, but my current obsession with this issue goes back further than that. Honestly, I'm exhausted from it. I'm putting my believes on the topic and their Biblical references here as a way of putting a tack in it for now. I need to be able to think about something else.

This debate has driven me to the Bible in a way nothing else has. I'm no Bible Scholar, but I've read almost all of it in the last three months along with commentary and blogs and books and video from people on both sides of this isle. It comes down to one thing for me; an overwhelming majority of scripture supports a mainly Armenian viewpoint. I'm hesitant to use the term because of the way most people categorize it. I think its overshot and exaggerated an awful lot. I think the same is true of Calvinism.
I'm going to try and do this point by point.

Man can do nothing to save himself - Nothing. There is no action or course of action by with man can secure his salvation. I think the entire Old Testament makes this perfectly clear. The whole point of the law is to make us see that we can't succeed. There has to be a sacrifice, one we have no power to make. The most common verses I see quoted to make this point are Romans 3:10, Romans 7:18 and Colossians 2:13. Here they are.

Romans 3:10-11 As it is written, “There is none righteous, no, not one; There is none that understands, there is none that seeketh after God. They have all turned aside; they are together become unprofitable; There is none that doeth good, no, not so much as one.”

This is a quote of Old Testament prophecy. It also doesn't say that man can't, just that in this instance none did.

Romans 7:18
¹⁸For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.

I feel this way a lot. I believe is Jesus. I am saved by faith. I want to do what is good and right but I often fall short. I'm still saved. It's faith that saves, not works or doing good. Paul wrote this as a converted Christian. The flesh is weak and there is nothing good in it. Thank God he has given us his spirit and allows it to work in and through us.

Colossians 2:13. And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses

We are separated from God by our sin. Death here refers to separation from God. Again, God has to reveal himself to man for us to be able to come to him. I believe he draws us all in some way or another. 2 Corinthians 11:29 and Romans 8:3 say that we are weak in sin. Weak, not dead. Any life we have is given by God. Any draw to God is initiated by Him. I've heard this called an initial infusion of grace. I'm not sure if we are offered enough Grace to make the choice or not. I'm not for limiting grace, I think grace is grace. I think it's God's will for us to choose. We can make the choice because we were designed to make it.

The idea of unconditional election seems to come almost entirely from Romans 7-9 along with Ephesians 1 and 2. The issue here is the difference between foreknowledge and predestination. Can God know what you are going to choose and not force that choice on you. I believe he can. Romans 8:29 (the most powerful and widely quoted scripture in defense of Predestination) begins with, "Those he foreknew he predestined."It seems pretty clear God knows what we will do, it's also pretty clear the choice has been given to us.

Who did Jesus die for? The overwhelming majority of scripture points to a cross that's work is perfect and complete and universal. I think Jesus died for all of us. While we were still sinners Christ died for us. All of us.

And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, that whoever believes in him may have eternal life. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

(John 3:14-17 ESV)

This is pretty clear. I'm not sure how you can say that the work of the cross was any less than perfect and for the world. I know that people say that Jesus is talking to Jews so this implies that some Gentiles will now also be saved and not that all men can.

“He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.” (1 John 2:2)

Here John is writing to Christians. This says to me that Christ died for the Christian and everyone else. He saved the world. Again, I know the argument is that John was a Jew and he was writing primarily to converted Jews, but I just think it's weak argument. All the apostles were Jews, you can use that argument to dismiss any reference to the world.

19that is, in Christ God was reconciling[a] the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 2 Corinthians 5:19

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people. Titus 2:11

Same argument. I believe this makes it clear that the work of Jesus on the cross allows all men to come to Him. I'm not suggesting universal salvation by letting the world mean the world and not just gentiles. I guess I would be if I also believe in Undeniable Grace, which I don't.

I think the idea that once God starts to work in you, you have no choice but to believe is also a break from what the vast majority of scripture to teaches. Romans 9:19b says, "For who can resist his will?" Here we have to look at context. Jewish Christians see the offer of Salvation to the Gentiles as God breaking the Covenant he made to them through Abraham. Paul is explaining that it was always God's plan to use the Jews as a vehicle to bring Salvation to all. He goes on to say that they didn't complain when God used Pharaoh as a vessel of wrath in order to secure their freedom and bring himself glory. They then can't be upset when God uses them to crucify Jesus thus offering Salvation for all.

(This brings up the idea of Pharaoh being predestined for Hell. I'm not sure what to do with his story, but I know that Paul also refers to Pilate, himself, and Jesus as vessels of wrath. I think this makes it clear that there will be people in heaven who were at one point described as vessels of God's wrath).

Romans 11:17-23

17But if some of the branches were broken off, and you, although a wild olive shoot, were grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing root[a] of the olive tree, 18do not be arrogant toward the branches. If you are, remember it is not you who support the root, but the root that supports you.19Then you will say, "Branches were broken off so that I might be grafted in." 20That is true. They were broken off because of their unbelief, but you stand fast through faith. So do not become proud, but fear.21For if God did not spare the natural branches, neither will he spare you. 22Note then the kindness and the severity of God: severity toward those who have fallen, but God’s kindness to you, provided you continue in his kindness. Otherwise you too will be cut off. 23And even they, if they do not continue in their unbelief, will be grafted in, for God has the power to graft them in again.

Hebrews 10:29
29How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has spurned the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace?

Matthew 23:37

How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not!

1 Timothy 4:1

1Now the Spirit expressly says that in later times some will depart from the faith by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons,

Its clear that continued salvation is contingent on continued belief. God begins the work, God is willing and able to continue and complete his work in us, we have to be willing to let him. God will reveal himself to and draw all men to himself. Some will reject his offer of love and life. It is in giving us the choice that God receives the most glory. The plan was predestined, set in motion at the foundation of time. God in his infinite love created a way where there was none. He sent his son to die for all men, knowing full well that some would reject his offer. This does not undermine God's sovereignty or deny justice and much as it highlights love. We only have a choice because he gives it to us. I have done and can do nothing to create salvation for myself, it is a gift of God. However, in his grace I was saved through faith. God's will is being done because his plan is perfectly in place. Nothing anyone does is contrary to his plan. He is willing that none should perish, but he has given us the choice. There is no distinctions between God's will. There are not separate sovereign and emotive wills. There is just God's will. He created a way for all men to come to him, but in sovereign love created in us the ability to choose him. Everything happens as God has willed it. He does not will sin or death or hell. He wills choice and love and freedom.

I hope I've done a descent job laying this out. It makes sense to me. There are obviously things involved here that I don't understand. I do believe that scripture interprets scripture. Were there are things I don't understand I have tried to view those things in the light of scripture that is clear and more easily understood.

I was unable to discuss all the scripture I considered in making these decisions so I'll try to list some below so you can look at it yourself.

Ephesians: 1:9-10, 1:11, 1:13, 1:19, 2:8, 2;1, 2:10

John 3:14-17, 6:37-40

Romans 3:11, 3:21, 3:27, 5:6, 5:1, 5:18-21, 9:30, 10:13, 10:20-21, 8:29-30, 9:13-25. Just read all of Romans. ch 3-10 in particular.

Acts 7:51

2 Cor. 5:14-15

1 Tim 2:4-6, 4:10

Hebrews 2:9, 10:29

1 John 2:2, 4:14

Psalms 135:6

Isaiah and Daniel. These books give a great framework for understanding the way God moves. It also helps to understand the references in Romans and Ephesians.

Matt. 10:22; 24:13; Jn. 6:27; 2 Tim. 2:3; Heb. 12:7; James 5:11.

Jn. 8:31; 15:9; Acts. 13:43; 14:22, Rom. 2:7; 6:1; Gal. 2:5; 3:10; Col. 1:23; 1 Tim. 2:15; 4:16; 2 Tim. 3:14; 1 Jn. 2:24.Gen. 4:3-7; Lev. 26:3-28; Lev. 26:40-42; Deut. 11:26-28; 30:17; Josh. 24:20; 1 Sam. 7:3; 12:14, 15; 1 Chron. 28:6-9; 1 Kings 11:11-13; Jer. 7:5-7; Matt. 6:14; 16:24-26; Jn. 8:31-51; 15: 6, 7, 10; Rom. 8:13, 14; 11:19-24; Col. 1:21-23; Heb. 2:1-3; 3:6,14; 6:4-8; 10: 26-31; 10:38, 39; 12: 7, 8; James 1:22-27; 2:8, 9; 2 Pet. 1:4-10; 1 Jn. 1:9; 2:3; 2:24; 3:7, 8.

Love Wins

2011-10-24T23:28:00.001-04:00

I just read the book. Literally, just finished. I'm not sure I should be writing about it now, I'm still processing it. I did want to say a few things while it is still fresh. First, I owe Rob Bell and my friend Lindsay an apology. When I first heard of the book and what it was about I dismissed it. I didn't go all John Piper and suggest that he had somehow died or become a servant of Satan, or whatever other nonsense was involved. I was less than graceful in the way I talked about it. I assumed I knew what it would say and judged Mr. Bell and his book before I ever read it. I'm sorry about that. I owe Lindsay an apology because she likes and respects Rob Bell (as do I, more now) and I acted like she should know better. Turns out she does know better, at least better than me.

I wasn't entirely wrong about what the book says. Bell says he isn't a universalist, but then says everyone goes to heaven. He is not a universalist in terms of how. He seems to be a universalist in terms of who. As in Jesus is the only way to heaven but eventually everyone finds him. He also says that heaven and hell both exist here, simultaneously, and we can choose witch party we attend. He reasons that at some point everyone, this side of death or the next, gets tired of partying in Hell and decides to knock knock knock on Heaven's door. I don't disagree that there is a lot of heaven and a lot of hell here and I don't disagree that most of that is a result of the decisions we make. There is some grey area here for me in that he describes rape as being hell, but he doesn't explain how the rapist chooses hell for himself and his victim. What about her choices? Some people don't choose anything, some people get hell here because of the decisions others make. The book doesn't try to explain this or tell us what to do with it.

As I said above, Bell suggest that even after death we continue to have infinite opportunities to choose Jesus. To submit to God's rule and live within His guidelines. In Bell's view hell is like being sent to your room until you are sorry and agree to do what Daddy says. The fire of hell exist to refine not so much to punish. What I don't understand, and what Bell does an inadequate job of explaining is how that works. Does God decide when you are really sorry and just bring you out of Hell? Do you have to somehow get a meeting with him to explain how sorry you are? Does he, like I do with my daughter all to often, let you out before you learn your lesson just 'cause you're so cute he can't wait another second to cuddle you? The process just isn't explained and that makes it difficult for me.

That being said, I loved the book. I don't know why really, but I loved it. I think Bell comes across a little snotty and condescending. I think his arguments are thin and weak and wonderful. It rattles me to think a point that was not well made and I don't really agree with could so closely reflect the heart of the God I know and serve. I'm not a theologian and I don't want to be, but I've read and continue to read the Bible and I've experienced God in ways that just a few years ago I would not have thought possible for me. I believe in the finality and power of the cross. I have experienced God's relentless pursuit and unstable love. I light of that I don't know how I can say that love doesn't always win. It has for me, why not everyone. I don't know enough to say for sure. I have a feeling that Bell is mistaken about some things, but I hope he isn't.

The book is compelling because I hope its true. Love is powerful and grace is big. Love has conquered death and the grave. The cross is sufficient and Jesus' sacrifice perfect. Jesus came so that, through him, the world might be save - all of it. Might? Does God not know? The Bible says it is God's will that none should perish. Does he not get his way? Is his will not perfect and unstoppable? Just after Jesus says he came so the world might be saved he says those who don't believe in him are condemned already. Condemned to what and for how long? Verse 36 of John 3 says, "whoever does not obey the Son shall not see life, but the wrath of God remains on him." I have a headache. I'm going to have to wrestle with this some more.

However, I'm not going to spend a lot of time on it. No matter where I end up landing on this thing I think one thing is clear. We have a job to do now. When we focus too much on the next life we start to ignore this one. We trivialize or dismiss the pain of others as temporary. Viewing our faith as a ticket out of hell does the world a disservice. We are called to live and love here - now. No matter how it ends or who is there, we have a responsibility to advance God's kingdom and message here in any way we can. Heaven is having a little party and we need to make sure as many people as possible have the opportunity to experience it.

No Acceptable Targets

2011-10-18T23:26:00.001-04:00

I'm not in love with the term "social justice". I love the idea (as it applies to the church. It won't work as a economic or political model), just not the terminology. What is being given is not justice - its grace.

Since Jesus himself walked the earth the only entity with the power and authority to eliminate hunger and disease and death has been the church. The extent to which those things continue to exist in our world is directly proportionate to our failure as Christians. The only cure for fear and hunger and disease and loneliness is Jesus. As Christians we fail when we deny love and compassion to any one for any reason. If our buildings are not sanctuaries for the dirty and weak and hurting then we are wasting our time and resources. We are called to love.

I have a small problem with some of what I've seen and read lately coming from Christian leaders on this front. It seems that some have not stopped hating - they have simply chosen more socially acceptable targets for their hate and envy. I've read some pretty nasty admonitions of wealthy conservative Christians. I don't believe it is necessary to demonize people who fail to give and love like they should in order for us to give and love like we should. I think a lot of really wealthy people need Jesus. A lot of people sitting in pews of traditional conservative churches need Jesus. A lot of people need Jesus. When these people refuse to give, be it money or compassion, they are wrong. It doesn't help for us to hate and judge them because we feel like they hate and judge others. We can't be selfish with our compassion because we think they are selfish with their money. When we make the Southern Baptist or Wall Street the enemy we give ground to the actual enemy. This is still definition by rejection.

Where there is hate and envy and judgement in us it has to be purged - not redirected. We have to destroy those things in ourselves no matter what form they take.

Wings

2011-10-13T14:45:00.003-04:00

Time can make more rubble out of dreams than anything.

In a quiet neighborhood where she's living without wings.

The boredom stirs a rage inside her soul

A rage that reaches out and takes control.

Everyone has questions, but no one wants to know

How far the rage inside someone can really make them go.

-Noah and The Whale; Wild Thing-

In this world there's a whole lot of trouble, baby,

In this world there's a whole lot of pain

In this world there's a whole lot of trouble

but a whole lot of ground to gain.

Why take when you could be giving?

Why watch as the world goes by?

Its a long enough life to be living,

why walk when you can fly?

When you spend your whole life wishing

Watching and wondering why.

Its a hard enough life to be living,

why walk when you can fly?

-Andrew Peterson; Why Walk When You Can Fly-

I feel a restlessness. In my church and small group - among my friends. There seems to be an expectation of bigger things. I believe God is moving. It is a whisper - a stirring call into deeper water. I can hear it when I'm quite - feel it when I breathe. God is doing something. Isn't that exciting? Don't you want to be part of it?

God is calling us to life. He wants us to live. We have dreams and passions - we want so much more. Those things come from Jesus. We were created to live big and love deeply. We are called to leap out into the wide open. To many of us are sitting on the edge watching life fly by. You have been given wings. Being afraid to use them will do nasty things to you. You'll get bored and apathetic and angry. I've been there. It is so dangerous.

If you are bored with life you need to spend some time with Jesus and find out what it is you are passionate about. I believe we all have something. For me its flying, for some its walking with High School kids or accounting (weird, I know) or photography or being a mommy. I don't know what it is for you, but you need to. You have a passion - you have dreams. In the name of mature responsibility you may have buried them, dig them back up. Remember.

If you know what your passions are but are afraid to pursue them I can confidently say that you are being called to let go of that fear. The time for waiting and wishing is over. It is time to for action. The kingdom of God is moving. Take hold of it. It is difficult but it is life.

You have a choice to make. Do you want to sit and watch or do you want to fly? I promise you can fly.

Note: I hate this post. I almost delete it every time I think about it. Its so inadequate. I'm afraid it won't motivate - that is doesn't accurately convey what's at stake. It needs to be more. I feel it more than I can express. I'm also struck by how bad I am at living it. I'm not fully surrendered, I feel like when I do fly I'm afraid to venture too far. I like to fly but the sky is deep and wide - there are unknowns. At an airshow lately they were giving balloon rides, the problem with a balloon is that it is difficult to control. You cut loose and the wind takes you were it wills. They had the balloon tethered to the ground. I remember wondering why anyone would want to fly like that - its not even really flying. Yet here I am flying tethered. I trust so little.

God, help us cut the tether. Help our unbelief. Give us courage. Lead us into the wild blue places of adventure and love and life. Take us with you. Cut us loose. Set us free.

Regret

2011-10-10T20:17:00.003-04:00

A friend wrote a short post on regret. This was my response:
I know this going to surprise you, but I only half agree. Regret as a verb is impossible to live without outside the parameters you set, but I don’t think that’s how most people mean it. I that context I believe most use regret as a noun. That definition is:

1. A sense of loss and longing for something gone.
2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

I think by that definition it is possible, if not improbable, to come to the end of your life and have no regrets. It is my goal to live my life in such a way that on my last night on earth I know that I have not been a slave to fear, that I loved and risked and dreamed and jumped. I’m a jerk, so I’m going to spend a lot of time being sorry for things I do and say, but I’m not going to live in that guilt. I’m going to have sex with my wife and play with my kids and smoke cigars and drink whiskey with my friends. I’m going to pray and play and fly. I intend to come to the end of this knowing that I lived the best l could. I’m going to know I failed and I’m going to rest in the unending grace of Jesus.

I guess its only fair to tell you that my response finds it origins in Noah & The Whale's album Last Night on Earth. I love it, it been the soundtrack of my life lately. This is going to get quote intensive, but hang in there because they are all awesome. This is a selection from the first 3 songs on that record.

The night outside is five below

His heart is pumping blood

On his lips a perfect smile

His eyes begin to flood

The night outside is five below

The moon is in the sky

His heart is full of perfect joy

He whispers his goodbye

Because tonight's the kind of night

Where everything could change

-Tonight's The Kind of Night-

He took apart his own life, left it on the shelf

Sick of being someone he did not admire

Took apart his old things, set them all on fire

He's gonna change, gonna change his ways

And it feels like his life can start

And it feels like heaven

-Life is Life-

On my last night on Earth I'll look to the sky

Breath in the air and blink in the light

On my last nigh on Earth, I'll pay a high price

To have no regrets and be done with my life

-L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N-

I'm don't know what the writer of these words believes, but they sound like gospel to me. They are about second chances and fresh starts. They are about dreams and courage and opportunity. There is hope here, where does that come from if not from Jesus. We serve a God that loves - that is in the business of restoration and rescue. If we don't believe in fresh starts and second chances then we've missed it. Jesus loves without limit and forgives recklessly and completely. He is present and he his powerful. He is compassion and hope and promise. He removes guilt and shame and regret. He is good and holy and he loves you. Tonight's the kind of night where everything could change.

Heaven Isn't Too Far Away

2011-09-16T14:39:00.001-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about the presence and will of God lately. Two recent conversations and book I'm reading have combined to bring the idea of God's presence and will to the front of my mind. I can think of little else.

How do we relate to God? What is his level of interaction in our lives? Where is he? What we believe about the answers to these questions determines how we make decisions, how we relate to ourselves and others - how we live and what level of joy we find in that living.

The idea change that's had the most impact are my thoughts on where heaven is. The prevailing idea is that heaven, where God lives, is a far off unreachable place. Its in outer space at the closest. Most assume its beyond our cosmos, outside the expanse of our universe. I'm starting to disagree. I think Paradise, like where all the dead Christians are, is probably somewhere like that. I think its a place - a place we can go but not easily and certainly not a place we can visit and then return. Its a place for another life. Can you see how the idea that God lives there is destructive to our spiritual lives here? It creates in us the mindset that our faith is about another life - a way to ensure our ticket to heaven. If God lives in heaven and heaven is a place for another life then any real relationship or interaction with God has to be primarily reserved for that life. It creates a framework by witch to live in this life completely free from any interaction with our God. It makes God free living seem normal and practical. The power of God in our day to day is undermined and his influence diminished.

When you think of God speaking to people in the old testament, where do you imagine that voice to come from? I've always imagined a booming voice from the sky. I now think it may have been more like a whisper in the ear or friend across the dinner table. The Lord called to Abraham out of heaven, called to Hagar out of heaven, spoke to Moses from heaven. The nation of Israel experienced fire from heaven and ate manna from heaven. In these stories heaven isn't thought of as far away. Heaven in right here. Jacob, while asleep, saw the earth and heaven connected by a passage. He saw the Lord himself standing beside him. When he awoke he proclaimed, "God lives here!" The understanding of God's chosen people was that God is actually here. He speaks to us and exists in the very air around us. God inhabits his creation the way we inhabit our bodies.

I am a spiritual being who currently has a physical body. I occupy my body

and environs by my consciousness of it and by my capacity to will and to

act with and through it. I occupy my body and its proximate space, but I am

not localizable in it or around it. You cannot find me or any of my thoughts,

feelings, or character traits in any part of my body... Yet I am present as agent

or casual influence with and about my body and its features and movements. In turn

what my body undergoes and provides influences my life as a personal being. And

through my body... I can make myself present to others.

-Dallas Willard, The Devine Conspiracy

We think of the air around us as empty space - nothingness. We think we give it meaning - we fill. We think what isn't us in our world is nothing - that we have to occupy space for it to have presence. My job frequently takes me out into that free space. Up away from our presence and noise. By that understanding where I am should be lonely - void of any presence expect mine. I can tell you that it isn't. God doesn't feel far away, he feels very near. The I hear him best there. When God calls to me from heaven I experience it very differently then I have imaged Moses did. He is near, his voice is soft but his presence is not. God occupies that space and uses it to make himself present to me. Heaven isn't too far away.

This has gotten long and I'm tired so I'll save the discussion of how this influences our relationship to God and how we find our place in his will for later.

Story

2011-09-12T00:49:00.001-04:00

I was reminded tonight of the power of story. I thought I'd tell one. This isn't going to be a testimony, at least not specifically, I don't reckon anything I say is completely void of testimony. I hope it isn't. If you do want to know my testimony you can find it here.

When nothing is owed, deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it.

-Avett Brothers

I grew up around aviation. My dad was a pilot and I spent a lot of time hanging around airports and riding in small planes as a kid. My room had models hanging from the ceiling and airplane posters were my wallpaper. All I wanted to do was fly; when I was a kid. It was Michael Jordan and girls that first pushed aviation to the back of my mind.

We moved some when I was young so I didn't have any real friends. It wasn't my favorite thing but I didn't mind it much. At least I didn't mind it until I noticed girls. Once girls became an issue I knew one thing, "this not being noticed thing has got to stop." I knew in the fifth grade the fact that I wanted to one day be a pilot wasn't going to get me far. I needed something now. I saw Jordan play ball and knew that had to get him chicks. That was really all it took, that and the only friend I had at the time tried out for the team. That was it. I was hooked. I loved basketball. I love girls. Made perfect sense. I didn't actively decide to not want to be a pilot anymore. It just happened. Basketball was what I did, flying was what my dad did.

I grew up, got married, got a job, had a kid. I had a great life - a good job. A job that made sense. I would probably still be doing if if I hadn't started going to small group at church with a pilot. This is one of the things I think God did intentionally. Group was at this pilot's house so I spent a lot of time playing with his son's models. The look of the their house, the language he speaks, the schedule he keeps, all very familiar. It started doing something to me. I thought at first it just made me miss my dad, which it did, it also made me miss aviation. Two things happened that really awakened a passion for aviation and an appreciation for the freedom it can provide. I'm not sure what order they happened in, but I know they were both powerful experiences.

First, my buddy let me fly with him. He flies corporate jets (I know its hard to detect sarcasm is writing. Can you detect jealousy? There may be a hint of it there). I don't think anybody can ride in the cockpit of a corporate jet and not want to be a pilot. I wanted to fly, I knew it as soon as the wheels left the ground.

My job at the time happened to be across the street from his son's daycare. Again, I suspect God's involvement. One Tuesday I was walking to my car for a sales call and my buddy pulled in with his son. He had just picked the kid up early from school and was gong to take him to feed the ducks. In the middle of the day on a Tuesday. When they told me their plans I apparently didn't get excited enough for his son's liking. He leaned over to look me in the face and said, "hey, its fun for kids." You know what isn't fun for kids? Sitting at school while dad sales ads. Neither is watching dad sit in his chair and drink beer because his day sucked so bad he "just needs a minute." I'm not knocking an 8-5. There are a lot of things I liked and miss about it (I have a lot of respect for people who do the best they can to provide for their families). I just knew that if I had to do it much longer I would need a beer and I would need way more than a minute for the day's suck to wear off. I wanted to be a pilot. I wanted the life, not the money. I knew it would be financially tough - I knew it would be difficult - I knew I wanted it.

I wanted it, I just didn't do anything about it. I'm not sure why. I just didn't.

Shortly after my daughter was born I got up in the night to feed her. I didn't do that a lot, but I did that night. I wanted to have the TV on for the noise and light, but I couldn't find the remote. I turned it on and sat down to feed her. Once she finished eating she was wide awake so I decided we should talk a few minutes before I put her back in bed. (I try not to talk politics on here, but I can't tell the next part without disclosing some political feelings. Sorry. I hope you don't stop reading). We talked for a while and then, like you do when talking to an infant, I ran out of things to say. I looked up and watched TV for the first time. President Obama was on. Not sure if it was a commercial of a news story, but he was on. I told her he would probably be the next president. I told her what a president was. I told her daddy didn't care for him much. That I didn't agree with him on a lot of things. Then I told her that the great thing about America was that we avenues to change to the things we don't like. I told her that I didn't like having to wait four years, but that I was glad to live in a country where I had some say. I told her that America is the greatest country ever. I told her that great people had done great things to make that true. I said, "The beautiful thing about America is that even though daddy doesn't like Mr. Obama, even his story proves that America is great. His story is proof that in America you can be anything." I looked my little girl in her beautiful wide brown eyes and told her, "this is America and you can be anything you want to be. You can do anything you want to do." I knew as soon as it left my mouth that if I kept doing what I was doing she would never believe it. How could she believe that she could be whatever she wanted to be if I wasn't? I had for some time that I wanted to be a pilot. I knew then that she needed me to be one. That I had a responsibility to her to at least try.

The above picture isn't anything incredible, I took it today because today is 9/11. I flew an airplane today. This picture is a reminder that this is America. In America you can be anything you want to be. A lot has changed in the last ten years, but America is still great. A reminder that there are some things no one can take away from us - that great men and women have done great things and made great sacrifices to ensure it remains that way. A reminder that we serve a God that is both good and in complete control.

This is America, if you want to honor her, decide what to be and go be it.

Tin Man

2011-09-07T16:30:00.002-04:00

You can't be like me

but be happy that you can't
I see pain but I don't feel it
I am like the old tin man

I'm as worn as a stone
I keep it steady as I can
I see pain but I don't feel it
I am like the old tin man

I used to fill the sky around
with happiness and joy
I had news to give the wind
to keep my sails and heart employed

I felt people move around me
I felt loneliness and shame
back then everyday was different
now each moment is the same

Baby bring me life or something else

So it goes a man grows cold
some would say a man grows strong
they say life only grows short
I say the road only grows long

As long as there's a road
my feet will never touch the ground
if you won't give my heart back
I've no need to stick around

-The Avett Brothers; Tin Man

The real Son of God is at your side. He is beginning to turn you into the same kind of thing as Himself. He is beginning, so to speak, to ‘inject’ His kind of life and thought, His Zoe, into you; beginning to turn the tin soldier into a live man. The part of you that does not like it is the part that is still tin.

-C.S. Lewis; Mere Christianity

I am becoming a real live man. Its been a long and difficult process and I'm sure there is great work left to be done.

I'm afraid that it has taken so long because I had gotten to the point where I was looking for the something else. I was aware I was tin and didn't like it. I hated it so much I was willing to try the something else. The song is powerful because its the way most people live. At the first hurt or disappointment so many of us "go tin." We don't like the loneliness and shame so we harden, its only then that we realize we have lost the happiness and joy along with the pain. Its difficult to come to the place where you welcome the pain if it means breaking the apathy and monotony that has begun to consume you. Jon McLaughlin has a song where he says, "No one's intended to die with their heart still intact." I believe that - for the most part - this side of Eden I think its true. If we are not broken by our sin there is no repentance and no redemption. We never know the life (Zoe) of Christ.

I'm aware part of me hates this conversion. Fortunately its less than it used to be. The taste of life that has come is addicting - I'm becoming alive and I don't want to stop. Part of me still wars against it. The rest has seen enough to know it is good. I want the change. I need the wind. This road is difficult but each step brings breath. The tin in me is pushing back hard, but the man has tasted enough to know its worth the fight.

In the Den

2011-09-04T20:59:00.004-04:00

I got all emotional in the car this morning. I guess indirectly I blame my friend Lindsay. She suggest I read Brennan Manning’s Ragamuffin Gospel. I wasn’t going to because, well, the title sounds stupid. Anyway, I’m about halfway through it and I’d say its decent. There are some places where I think Manning is brilliant and the writing is beautiful. There are others where it feels like a chore to read it seems like an exercise in the obvious. On the surface, I’d say the book is average at best. The only problem with that review would be that I feel different. I’m not sure how to describe it, something about it is working on me. Its slow and subtle, but its working. Something is changing.

I’m more aware of my brokenness - constantly aware of how full of shit I am, and somehow I’m more comfortable. I think I’m, for the first time in a real long time, able to live - at least for brief moments - in the truth of who I am in Christ. Able to accept that he really does love and accept me for who I am - with all my shit. I’ll write more on this when I finish the book, for now its enough to know I’m softening.

In the car on the way to church today the daughter and I were listening to a CD my mom just got her. It was a silly little song about Daniel in the Lions den that got me. I’ve been in the lions den. In a place so black and terrifying you don’t how you’ll survive. In the dark - alone with lions. Today God asked me to tell him when I was hurt and in what way. How was I ever in any real danger? The den is dark and terrifying, the kind of darkness and fear that hurts. Anger and fear and hopeless hurt a person - they change you. I felt harmed - I felt devoured. I was not. God had shut the lions’ mouths tight. The fear and hopelessness that controlled and damaged me for so long was a function of my faith - or lack thereof. The den was never dangerous, I just couldn’t believe it wasn’t. God was there in the blackness whispering, “trust me, find me, I am shelter, I am protection.” I was too afraid to move, like Peter sinking in the sea, I took my eyes off Jesus. Thankfully, in my faithlessness Jesus remained faithful. I was a afraid I rejected to truth he gave us in his word, I wouldn’t believe he is big enough to save me from anything. A den of lions - like stormy seas and fiery furnaces - is overwhelming. I go back to the question from my last blog, “How big do you think God is?”

He can save from lions, calm raging seas, and walk you through fire unburned. He is in the business of saving. Giants and floods - invasion and slavery God saves. He pursues and rescues. Unemployment - Addiction - Divorce - Depression, God is bigger than your circumstance. He went to the cross and defeated death itself. I know it feels like you’re chin deep in your own shit. I know you feel unlovable and afraid. I do too. God is not motivated by our filth. He is motivated by his love. Love that is unconditional. Love that rescues. Love that will not stop. Love that has already washed you clean.

Big

2011-08-31T17:37:00.001-04:00

Now the woman was a uGentile, va Syrophoenician by birth. And she begged him to cast the demon out of her daughter. 27 And he said to her,“Let the children be wfed first, for it is not right to take the children's bread and xthrow it to the dogs.” 28 But she answered him, “Yes, Lord; yet even the dogs under the table eat the children's ycrumbs.” 29 And he said to her, “For this statement you may zgo your way; the demon has left your daughter.” 3

Mark 7:26-29 ESV

This is an awesome story. There is so much there, so many lessons in so few words. Its Jesus, what do you expect? Preach talked about this passage for a while Sunday and we discussed it for an hour at group last night, I don't think we got it all covered, but I'm left with this question: How big do you think God is?

The woman in the story had a problem, a big problem. The kind of problem that overshadows every part of your life. The kind of situation that has to seem impossible - a problem with no good solution. Well, as it turns out,one really good solution. This woman's daughter was demon possessed. Not had an ear infection, had a demon. She was living with the kid from The Exorcist. I can't imagine how hopeless and desperate she must have been. She had to desperate, she was risking a lot - breaking a lot of rules to get to Jesus. The social implications of this passage are incredible, the way Jesus confronts stereotypes and racism is always fun. Anyway, she should not have been there. Can you imagine. She gets to the feet of Jesus, she has to know her daughter is as good as healed. She has risked much, but she there. I can understand the excitement of knowing that from that moment on everything will be different, better. Then the unthinkable happens, Jesus tells her no - or worse, to wait. Either way the response had to be devastating. I love her response. She pushes a little more, she makes an argument. Jesus says its not time to heal your daughter, my ministry has an order. He told her that healing her daughter would have to wait, that there were things he needed to do first, other people to feed. I love how well she understood the heart and power of Jesus. I'll wait on the meal, for now I just need some crumbs.

She knew how big he was. Her daughter being possessed was certainly the biggest thing in her life, a problem in size that few of us will ever experience. She knew that a few crumbs from the table of grace was enough to change her life forever. Just the crumbs and her daughter, her family would be restored. Just crumbs - nothing would ever be the same.

A New Kind of Afraid

2011-08-24T23:11:00.000-04:00

Things have been getting progressively better in my spiritual life for a while now, but there has been something, just below the surface, bothering me. A feeling I couldn't quite put my finger on. I've felt uneasy. The anger is mostly gone and I trust God now more than ever (I feel like I trust him completely, but there are a few things I'm having trouble letting go of so I'm not comfortable claiming complete trust at the moment). Ok, so apparently I don't trust him completely. That's what I'm going for though. Maybe this uneasy feeling is why I'm having some difficulty going all in. I think I know what it is now, I hope that helps me deal with it.

It's fear. I'm afraid. I use the word fear because I'm not familiar with a better word. I love the English language, but times like these I find our practice of using the same word to mean a thousand different things incredibly frustrating. Tonight I though about C.S. Lewis' book The Problem of Pain. I know its weird since my problem isn't pain (at the moment), my problem is fear. I'm not sure why I thought of it, in this text Lewis is only describing different kinds of fear as base for a larger discussion. You should read the book, you should read all of his books. So, there are several different emotions that we call fear. I'm changing it, but basically Lewis breaks it down like this: If I were to see a man with a gun walking towards my porch out of the woods right now, I would feel fear. I would be afraid of death or physical harm. If I were to see a ghost coming out of those same woods I would feel fear, only of a different kind. One does not fear physical harm from a ghost, it is the difference between what I know and what I'm seeing that scares me. I'm afraid of the ghost just because he his a ghost. Lewis describes this as fear of the "Uncanny." Now, if I looked up from my computer and instead of woods and darkness I saw an infinitely powerful spirit my fear would be something all together different. Physical harm is not the fear, the unknown is not the fear, the fear here comes from my knowledge that I am all together unable to cope in this new reality. I'm not sure it would be fear. At least not one that is at all related to what we normally use that word to express. Lewis describes it as a feeling of wonder and a certain shrinking. I would feel inadequate - I would be in awe. I say would be, I am. Lewis uses a quote, from The Wind in the Willows, that I love (never read the book, I keep saying I'm going to).

"Afraid? murmured the Rat, his eyes shining with unutterable love.

Afraid? Of Him? O, never, never. And yet - And yet- I am afraid"

I'm no longer afraid of what God may do to me, but when I get near him its there. Just beneath the freedom and peace and rest that He provides there is a kind of uneasy restlessness. Its a perverted desire to do something. I want to move, not necessarily away, just move. I'm not sure why or what it is.

Flying is peaceful for me. In so many ways it mirrors my spiritual life. Now that I'm thinking about it this feeling of uneasiness shows up when I fly from time to time. I'm sure, now, that its in those times I feel it spiritually. I like the perspective flying offers. The world looks so far away. I feel removed and small and free. I'm comfortable flying partly because I know its safe. However, I've noticed that just occasionally I turn into a button pusher. I can be fidgety, and I always assumed that was it. Every now and then I get into this thing where the whole flight I push buttons and turn nobs. I check and recheck everything. The plane I fly is pretty basic, you get the whole story from like 5 numbers and 4 lights. 95% of the time I set the autopilot and just relax for that portion between take off and landing (for the most part), however, on some flight I find myself constantly looking at the manifold pressure, RPM, oil pressure, and fuel burn over and over. I usually chock it up to just being bored or fidgety. The thing is, I'm not those things when I fly. I'm perfectly content to just fly. I think the restlessness in the airplane is just a physical manifestation of a restlessness in my spiritual life.

That's a lot of words to basically say that the idea of being in God's presence, while wonderful, also frightens me a little. I'm not sure what to do with it. Any ideas?

Good to see you again

2011-08-22T11:42:00.001-04:00

I decided back in January that I wasn't going to be writing on here anymore. I was pretty sure I'd run out of things to say. I was probably wrong about that. The thing is, the story isn't over. I believe the extreme and easiest to write about portion of this journey is over, I'm not angry all the time anymore. There is no struggle to know who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. I believe I'm through that, I'll never be able to tell you how much I appreciate you being there through it with me. I think the mistake I made was thinking the day to day doesn't matter. I feel confident in the direction, but the execution is difficult and my patience is often small. I think in a million different ways every day God is showing me who he is and who I am in him. These little things probably warrant sharing from time to time. Plus it looks like I'm going to have some time on my hands. So, my plan is to revisit this site, even if its briefly, whenever I'm in an airport is some far away exotic location. Today I'm in Atlanta.

Since I last posted a lot has changed. I'm not working at The Home Depot, probably a big reason why I'm not just mad all the time (I'm really thankful for that place, it was a bridge. Necessary). I'm instructing and flying contract for a retirement planning company. I'm looking for and will eventually really need something different, but its a descent place to be now and I'm building flight time faster than I ever have. Honestly, If we could pay our bills on this I wouldn't mind hanging out in this place a while. I'm flying, and people are paying me to do it, that's really living the dream. I need to be able to make a career out of it. House, cars, kids going to college, retirement, these are things I need aviation to eventually provide. Right now I'd settle for a dinner at Sullivan's. Anyway, I love what I'm doing and I'm happier in it than I've ever been.

The sum up from the last several years of searching is this: God is good, difficult to understand and infuriating in his timing, but ultimately very good. I exist for the singular purpose of saying that as often and as loudly as possible, and my vehicle to carry that message is more often than not going to be an airplane.

I love to fly, and I'm good at it. Those things are gifts. Not everyone knows what it is they really want to do, I do. It stared me in the face most of my life and I never saw it. God gave it to me on his time. It turns out a lot of people think aviation is cool and I get a lot of really positive comments on what I do, I love the attention. I wish I didn't, its one of the things I battle against. The other thing I get is people telling me how proud they are what I've done. I appreciate that to. Aviation is a lot of work. I've studied and worked harder at this than anything I've ever done. I've taken chances and a lot of people have made sacrifices to make this possible. I don't intend to downplay what has been accomplished, its difficult and the number of people capable of it is small. Its taken years too get here and I'm years from making a career of it. Its difficult. I had no choice. When your in the kind of dark place I was in and God shows you something, anything, you grab a hold of it with all you have. Not much was clear, flying was. I was going to fly no matter what it cost me, short of my family, and I was sure God wouldn't call me to something that would require that.

I took the picture at the top there on a flight to Richmond, VA. I'm surprised it came out so good, I was pretty emotional when I took it. I realized the other day that my iPad can be plugged into the airplane radio and played through my headset. I was listening to Nickel Creek's When You Come Back Down. I'm a little sensitive to music. God uses it to get at me pretty often. I've had moments flying that were powerful affirmations of God's plan for me. None as powerful as that one. God is so good. His plans are best. He is faithful. What he wants for you is better than what you want. What God has for you is worth whatever it costs you and better on his timing. That moment, for me, was the difference between believing that to be true and knowing that it is. God is amazing. Consider this a standing ovation.

Fix

2011-01-06T22:32:00.000-05:00

In small group this week we talked about learning to meditate on God's word. Not just reading or studying, but really taking some time to think about and digest it. I feel like I'm a pretty good mediator, in a very loose and undirected sense. It comes from my dad. I never really thought about it growing up, but dad used to just sit in the den in the dark for hours. I always thought it was because he was a night freight pilot and couldn't sleep when he was home at night. It probably had some to do with that, but I think he it may have been quite a bit of meditating going on. I'm sure he would crap if he knew I was suggesting that he ever meditated. Strange as it is, I like sitting alone in the dark myself. I think real good alone in the dark.

Sad thing is, I've never really done it in conjunction with my quiet time. You have to have the lights on to read the Bible (That's changed now that you can get the Holy Scriptures in 100 languages on your Ipod). The other problem with the way I meditate is that it has traditionally been very undisciplined. I just let my thoughts wonder at random. That actually changed about a year ago when I started learning how to instrument fly.

There was some quote Pip read about meditation making the truth real, or something. To me its about making the 2D - 3D. Its about taking very flat text and giving life. Allowing words to create images that exist in real time and space. When I started learning how to fly with just reference to instruments I initially had a really hard time with holding patterns. The point of a holding pattern in to get an airplane to a certain point and have it wait there until traffic is clear and it can go on to destination. The problem with these points is you can't see them. If your instrument flying you can't see anything. If you could you wouldn't need to fly by reference to instruments anyway. Kind of like if we could see Jesus we wouldn't need to read about him in a Book. So, if an Air Traffic Controller (ATC) needs you to fly a hold the instructions are going to sound something like this:

“492BC, hold north-west of the Volunteer VOR on the 330 degrees radial, left turns, maintain 5000 feet, expect further clearance at 1730, time is 1712”

Now, that's a bunch of garbage. Not much in that makes any sense at all. Its flat. I just can't see it. When I first started learning it took me forever to figure out how to execute that. The biggest problem with it is there are three different ways to enter an holding pattern and you have to choose based on your position relative to the holding fix. I could never quite get those relative positions right. Not until I started meditating. I would sit in the dark and read sample holding clearances and try to see them out in the dark space of the room. It took a while but I got it. Meditation can take that mess you just read and turn it into something you can see (tried to find a good image to use here but they were all 2D, go figure). Anyway, that sentence up there has a lot of information in it. Who you are. What direction you should be going. Which way to turn. Where to go, what to do, and when to expect further direction. All of this is very important but it does you no good if you can't visualize it. You have to be able to accurately place yourself in the picture it paints.

I took some time recently to meditate, or think. I was intentional about focusing on God and my relative position to him. As usual a song by Andrew Peterson played over and over in my head.

And when Elisha woke surrounded by the forces
Of the enemies of God, the enemies of God
He saw the hills aflame with angels on their horses
So in the night, my hope lives on

I see the armies of the enemy approaching
And the people driven, trembling, to the shore
But a doorway through the waters now is opening
So in the night, my hope lives on
And I can see the crowd of men retreating
As he stands between the woman and their stones
And if mercy in his holy heart is beating
Then in the night, my hope lives on

These aren't just nice Bible stories. This is His story. Its a story that is still alive. A story being written. A story we are being written into. It seems the some of the faces change but the pattern does not. God rescues. He stands in the gap between us and the accuser. Creates a way when the end seems dead. He continues to fight battles we have no hope of winning. Can you see yourself in these stories? Do you see the power of the will that holds back oceans? Can you see fire in the eyes that go to battle? Do you see compassion on a hand as it draws in the dirt? I have been - I am now in the middle of all three stories.

God is constant. He is love. He is present. He is the fix and we must hold there. I hope you can see it.

Narrow Paths

2010-09-08T01:00:00.000-04:00

We discussed the story of Hosea and Gomer in small group tonight. One of the questions was something about if following God is easy or hard. I felt a little off tonight and was barely listening so I'm not sure how it was phrased, but they were asking if anyone had done what they thought God was asking them to do only to find that life got more difficult. I was pretty determined not to speak tonight, but our group leader (who knows my story pretty well) asked me directly. I really don't remember what I said, I'm sure it didn't make sense, but I do know I said something about making sure my son knows that following God isn't always going to be roses. I stand by that, but I also want to make sure that he knows that submitting to God's will for his life is exactly what he should do and is in his best interest.

I think its important to let your kids know that following God is sometimes going to be very difficult. God is very big and very smart and we are very small and very dumb. We don't get it, ever. Stuff doesn't make sense and that's difficult sometimes. If you tell your kids that Christianity is all slingshots and giant boats and jackets made with many colors the world is going to show them that you get hit with rocks, eaten by whales, and throw into pits. Its hard to make sense of a God that's all love and cake and rainbows from in the belly of a big nasty fish. You need to show them as much of God as possible, even the parts that make us uncomfortable. You don't need to make excuses for or downplay anything about who God is. Life will show them eventually and it'll be easier if you have already painted an accurate picture.

I feel like I've learned a lot about God in the past few years. They have been difficult years. There is very little I would change about them. When God gave me aviation, called me to it, I thought it was a way out of the depression I had been sliding in and out of since dad died. I thought it would be easy, I should have known better. I grew up watching my dad fight through one professional setback after the other, plus I knew by then that the really important lessons are never easy to learn and you have to work at anything worth doing and fight to keep anything worth having.

When God called me to fly (I have no doubt its a calling, apparently not everyone who is called has to be a preacher or missionary) I was in a bad place. I had fallen a long way into the bottom of a very big hole. It was dark and I was injured - injured bad. Broken and bloody I thought I might die there - I couldn't see a way out. I would love to say that God put a Cessna 172 down there and I was able to fly myself out, but it hasn't gone like that so far. He showed me a path. Its a small, steep path littered with obstacles and slippery places and I am still nursing some pretty nasty wounds, but I'm on the path and that gives me hope. In the bottom of that hole there is no hope and there can be no joy. The path out is difficult but it provides hope and joy becomes a possibility. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I bitch a lot, but I'm pretty happy with where I am. I don't want to stay here, I want to go farther but I'm happy to be on the path God has set in front of me.

One other small thing: Something was said tonight about the bad things being the way we know what is good. Like if we never had anything bad happen we would be able to be thankful. There was a follow up statement about bad being the norm or seeming like it making the small glimpses we get of good being real pictures of who God is. Again, I'm off tonight and wasn't really paying attention, but I think this is a little backwards. We are created in the image of a perfect God with eternity breathed into every beat of our hearts. We respond so strongly to death and injustice and poverty and pain because we were never meant to experience them. We should be naked in paradise, in perfect communion with our creator. I'm sure this is all just semantics, but I still think its important. Creation is good, life is good, God is good. Darkness needs to light to define it, light and love and good stand alone.

We Built This City

2010-09-07T23:30:00.000-04:00

So, I rocked out to some Jefferson Starship on the way home from the Airport tonight. I'm not sure if they are still cool, but I don't care. I actually felt ok about myself so I rocked it with the windows down,

So, I starting thinking about what kind of city I want my kids to grow up in. What will be the foundation they have to stand on. I'm not talking about within our family as much as the community we do life with, our village. If it takes one to raise a child, I think we need to be intentional about what the one we live in values and is characterized by. I'm on this now because I've had, for me, a rare opportunity to hang out with my friends in somewhat large groups lately. Our small group split and so there is one on a night I can go to now, first time in over 60 weeks. And some of the guys started having breakfast together once a week. I hope that this will be my new norm, and I'm excited about the change it will bring to my life and my family, but with two kids I can't help but wonder what they will see in the community we have chosen to raise them in.

Obviously, we want all we do to be founded in and born out of the gospel of Christ. He is the rock everything else is built on. I thought about leaving this out because it should go without saying, like when I say Sandra Bullock is the hottest woman alive I clearly mean with the exception of my wife, but I knew you would judge me. The problem is that as soon as you mention Christ the discussion of anything else, even with different terminology, seems off. Its difficult to mention anything else, what can follow Christ as an answer?

So, if you ask what we are building our city on and have Christ as the obvious given and will not accept that as the answer thereby forcing me to come up with non-christian, or not expressly Christian, answers then I'd say the following: We are building our city on laughter. We laugh a lot. Only a few of us are funny at all, but we still manage to laugh a lot and I love that about us. We are building our city on the long meal. We eat together, I'm can't explain why that means so much, but it does. We are building our city on openness, honesty and vulnerability. I'm convinced these things only exist together. I know the people I hang out with. I know things they won't put on facebook or tweet about. I don't read about them, I experience them. We built this city on honesty and trust. We built it on vulnerability and laughter. We built it on dinners and parties and drinks and cigars. Its built on faith and grace and just a little rock and roll.

Gone Boxing

2010-08-19T01:11:00.000-04:00

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev'ry glove that layed him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains
-Paul Simon-

I'm sitting in room 322 at UT hospital watching my wife feed my son -my son. He's an awesome little guy. I hear people all the time talk about how seeing or holding their kids for the first time instantly changes them. I'm sure it doesn't work that way for me. Change I want to happen takes effort, its change I don't want that comes quickly and out of nowhere. Sometimes the change I want is better than the change I don't, but sometimes the least expected and most terrifying change is the best thing that could ever happen.

I'm gonna say this now, this one time, and then deny it until I die. I did not want to have another kid right now. I didn't feel ready. I felt out of control, and accidentally getting pregnant did not help the situation. I'm in a bad but improving career situation and we knew we would have to move soon. It felt irresponsible bringing another kid into that situation. I had a very hard time getting excited about having this baby. We didn't even get the nursery finished. It didn't seem fair to him or the rest of us. Sitting here now I'm confronted with the stupidity, ignorance, and short-sided selfishness of those feelings.

My son's name is Carter. He has the same initials as my dad and I. We didn't name him until 24 hours after he was born. Nothing seemed right. The initials thing became very important to me. I like having him linked to my dad that way. He'll never know my dad, and I'm not sure I have enough of the good that was in him left in me for Carter to know him that way, so I think having something of his Granddad's may link them in a way I can't. It feels like tying the loose ends together a little.

Carter's arrival doesn't take away the pain of loosing my dad or make that ok in any way, but its a reminder that life moves on. It's sometimes cruel and dark, but not always. Life is good because its inventor it is good.

I wrote everything up to this point on our third night in the hospital. I didn't really know how to finish it then, still don't. I don't have any idea what the Simon and Garfunkel song has to do with anything except that I couldn't get it out of my head that night. I feel like I complain on here a lot - these last few years have been difficult. I've given God a hard time and I've felt like I wasn't getting much better from him. That's so stupid. God has been good, really good. He provides and protects. He loves and pursues. My life screams of his mercy and grace.

These last few years have been marked by loss and anger and isolation and confusion. In the rare moments of clarity, moments like this one, I can see also see what I have been allowed to hold on to and what I have gained. I have wonderful family (mom, sisters, brother in laws, a beautiful niece and two really cool nephews), I have the best friends anyone has ever had, my wife is amazing (for more on her read this and this), my daughter is beautiful and funny and healthy, I have a son. Yes, money is tight and our financial future uncertain, but I know what I want to do. I know my calling - its not much, just a little dream. Yea, life is good.

I am not. About 10 years ago I quit basketball. I was a freshman in college and I didn't like the way it was going, it required too much - got too hard. I never should have quit, at least not like that. I left mid-season, what kind of team mate was I. That's shady. I learned then that quitting is an option, that one decision created a habit. I've been quitting every since. Not very often in large noticeable ways, but in sneaky small ways in the most difficult moments I shut down - bow out. I think that's what one of my current jobs is designed to break me of. I hate it. I like the people and appreciate that it pays bills and provides insurance, but I hate going there everyday knowing its not where my future lies, I want to quit everyday - so far I haven't. I'm going to see it through to its end.

I'm off topic. Here's the thing: I've been pushed to the limit by sin and doubt and anger and shame. I'm not afraid anymore, its all been flushed. I'm going to take a stand. My family deserves at least that. I'm too weak now to advance much, but I'm going to hold my ground. This is as far as I'm willing to slide. Its not going to look like much. This post will probably be the most noticeable thing I do, but in sneaky ways in the tough moments I'm going to hold my ground.

I'm not sure what that will look like in me anymore, but I saw Jesus in my parents and I'm going to do all I can to ensure my kids see him in me.

X-ray

2010-05-09T23:15:00.003-04:00

I got to go to church today for the first time in several months. I didn't know really what to expect, but I was sure I wouldn't be able to get right back to where I was spiritually before the events of the last 15 months, I mean, how long does it take to recover from a year long backslide? I actually felt pretty good going into the service. I knew I was a little banged up spiritually, but I felt like I was doing the best I could do given the circumstances.

We have a moment of prayer before each service, and today my prayer was simple. I thanked God for my mom and wife who are both fantastic women of God and asked that wherever I was in my relationship with him that today he would make clear where I was and what steps I needed to take to become the kind of spouse and parent he wants me to be.

What can wash away my sin? What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. I don't have the words to describe what happened as I, for the first time in months, praised the God of healing. Have you ever gone to the doctor for something little, something you didn't think would even require medical attention? You know, one of those doctor visits you make just to pacify a parent or spouse. Imagine if they took an x-ray and the Doctor comes in and flips on the light on that little board and you see clearly that all your bones are broken. Completely broken.

I knew I had fallen, but that picture was terrifying and sobering. The reality of what falling has done to me is overwhelming. The confession and repentance that took place in that moment was unlike anything I've ever experienced. It all happened very suddenly. Its like we were both there staring at damage, I'm looking at it and he's looking at it and we're both very aware of how terrible it is. The beautiful thing about that moment is that we both also know who he is. I'm confronted by the horrific damage done in the moment I looked away, but I don't doubt his healing for a second. I'm afraid of what rehab will be like, but I expect to make a full recovery.

What can make me whole again? Nothing but your blood, King Jesus. As I sang those words in the final chorus It seemed so simple, I've been trying so hard to get through this thinking that if I could just get through the next couple of months I would be able to focus on God again. Time and circumstance and financial stability can do nothing. Jesus, its your blood.

I wish I could say that I'm pleading the blood of Christ and waiting for healing. I can't. I think rehab is as active process. Luckily, or something else like luck, Pastor was doing a series on how to study the bible. I wish I could remember his exact phrasing, he's much more eloquent than I, but I can't. He said in studying the bible you have to lay your life against God's word and let it be your standard. Or something like that. It mad me think about sitting on my dad's lap as a young boy. He was so big and so strong and I wanted/want to be like him so badly. I can remember feeling his chest rise as fall as he breathed and I remember trying to make my breath match his. He was my standard. It has to be like that with God. At the very core of who we are, God has to set the rhythm. I have to be in tune with him. That starts in his word. Tonight I pray for desire and discipline and strength. I pray that I find in the Bible a word that is living and I find in myself the desire to make my life match.

The Right Direction

2010-04-13T23:29:00.007-04:00

I noticed just now that I haven't posted on here in over a month. I wish I had something clever or wise to say now but I don't, shocker, I know. I'm here because I have literally nothing else to do. I am stuck in a hotel room.

Today has been one of the most frustrating days I've had in a long time. Its the culmination of weeks of the most frustrating days I can remember. I've been preparing for years to get to this point, I am on the verge of getting paid to fly. I have my commercial license so technically I can get paid now, but the Instructor certificate is what will allow me to get paid a little (very little) now. The problem is the FAA. I have to take my CFI (certified flight instructor) checkride with them. All the others have been with a local examiner, but this one has to be with the Feds in Nashville. So, I have prepared for weeks for the longest (near 8 hours) and most difficult test of my life only to fly down here and be told my paperwork isn't right (they ok'd it before I came) and I can't take the test. After that they informed me there is also a paperwork problem with the plane so I can't fly it home. I'm stuck here until the airplane's owner can get the proper paperwork done and faxed to me. I'm in a hotel with no car and nothing on TV.

It's weird, but its been a pretty good day. Maybe a great day. Today was the kind of day that drives people to drink or intentionally hurt other people, but for me it was just a day that was better than the one before it. Part of that comes from it being over. I have been dreading it and worrying about it for so long - it was worse than I thought it would be, but its over. That's part of it, but I think the main thing here is that I got up this morning and went after something I'm passionate about. It was a misstep, but it was a misstep in the right direction. I'm certain that doesn't make sense. I'd rather stumble down this road than sail down any other. I'm more certain of that now than I was when I went to bed last night. Its a good day that teaches you something like that about yourself.

I try not to offer advice much on here, I don't know shit, but I'm feeling reckless so here goes. If your doing something you don't love - stop it. Choose what you want to be and go be it. I'm talking professionally. I know there are people out there that have no idea what career they would be passionate about so they do their job the best they can and then pour what's left of themselves into family or church or working out or boating or whatever else they know they love. That's great, I have a lot of respect for those people and would tell them to keep doing what they're doing. If you have a dream, please chase it. I can tell you it will probably be difficult - it might take longer than you expect - it will cost more than you can imagine - but today I learned that the worst day spent in pursuit of that dream in better than any spent waiting on 5. Taking care of family and meeting your obligations and responsibilities as spouse and parent are admirable and good and worthwhile and I'm not knocking those things, if fact, I advocate them. Do those things. Work - be productive - create and build and do and provide. If you know there is a way to take that ride in a vehicle you know you're passionate about, take the risk. Its worth it, that's all I'm saying.

New Favorite Poem

2010-02-28T02:40:00.002-05:00

I'm not much for poetry, can't write it, so I don't read it much. Frustrating. I have seemed to stumble across some lately and here is my new favorite.

Pardon My Train Wreck

2010-02-23T00:14:00.003-05:00

A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated

-Elton John-

I’m at the computer tonight because I read a poem a friend’s dad wrote and it made me want to write. I thought about trying my pen at a poem, but that ain’t me. I love words, I just can’t make ‘em dance. What I can do, what I do really well, is talk about me. This is probably going to be a train wreck, but I’m going try and walk through, as honestly as possible, what my experience has felt like and who I feel like I am in and because of it.

The line above is my favorite line from what is probably my favorite Elton John song – how’s that for honest? This is pretty much how I feel all the time. The reverse is also true.

I’ve talked a lot about the anger that followed my dad’s death. Anger that came hard and fast. Anger that took over and drove out all else. I knew I couldn’t control it and I didn’t want to give it up. I didn’t trust God to take it and I was afraid of what I would feel with it gone. I was confused and afraid, so I hid it. Buried it deep so no one would know or be hurt by it. I was wrong on both counts. When you do that with emotion it does funny things to you. It changes you. This anger ate away at joy and hope; it left me numb and cold. At first I liked it. It was better to not feel. In that way anger gave way to apathy. After all of it, this is what I still struggle with. I don’t care much anymore. I have a hard time getting excited or sad or anything. I’m dead in places.

At least I think that’s what’s happened. I often think maybe I’m not so much dead in those places as I am lost. I think maybe something’s gotten crossed in there. There are times I get emotional, it just never seems to be at the right times. I didn’t cry when my daughter was born, but I sure can’t watch The Biggest Looser without a hanky. What is with that show? I don’t have control of it anymore. I have a leak. I don’t know how to express emotion when its appropriate so it comes out at wired times about strange stuff.

I mentioned in that last post that things are never ok again, and I stand by that. It’s been the most surprising thing about all of this. It turns out people are unique and irreplaceable. Having a daughter doesn’t make up for losing a father. She made her own place, she didn’t take his.

I’ve come to an interesting place, just now. I’m finding that I’m still afraid of feeling anything - or at least uncomfortable with it. I was just about to write a little about my daughter, but I stopped because I knew I would get emotional about it. Weird. Maybe the issue isn’t that I buried emotion before, maybe it’s that I created a habit of burying or avoiding it. I still do it. I’m doing it right now. I’m going to park this and move on.

I may be dead or broken in places most people are not, but I’ve also gotten to experience God in ways that have changed and restored me. I’m not good at the Christian thing - apathy isn’t an asset in this endeavor. I want to read the Bible, I just don’t. I want to pray, I just don’t; At least not very often. Again, I think it’s because I don’t want to deal with the way I feel or why I don’t feel. The problem with the Bible is that it is truth. People respond to truth. You have to deal with it. I don’t want to. Not yet, and certainly not all at once.

I hope this doesn’t sound too depressing. I feel like I do a lot of bitching on here. I hope it doesn’t come across that way. I’m generally at my most somber and introspective when I write. I struggle, yes, but I would rather fight and know than never be challenged and just say that I believe. Mercy and Grace and hope and love aren’t just things I’ve read about in books. I have and do wrestle with and live in them. I have lived - life hard and fast. I have had everything I know torn down around me. Through it all God has been faithful. He has pursued and loved me more fiercely than I ever could have imagined. He has recklessly poured out grace and mercy. He has restored hope and delivered on his promise of freedom. I’m free to embrace life because in the middle of all the mess it’s made I’ve found some good things.

Say What?

2010-02-18T11:47:00.001-05:00

A friend of a friend’s father just passed away and my friend asked me what they could or should say to their friend. My first reaction was there is no right or wrong. It’s a terrible situation, one filled with pain and anger and fear. Words can’t make those go away, at least not our words.

I thought about it a while and decided that while there is probably nothing you can say that will magically help, there are some things that you probably shouldn’t say. At least there are things that pissed me off when they were said to me. Please understand that this is just how I feel or felt. I just thought it might be good to get it out there in case someone is in this situation and has no idea what to do.

First, don’t say you know how they feel. You don’t. I’ve been in close to the same situation as her friend and I don’t know exactly how he feels. You don’t know - no need to lie about it. People who have lost somebody like to tell you that you can’t see it now, but it will all be ok. That’s total shit. Please don’t do that. My dad died like eight years ago and it isn’t ok. Its better, but everything is not ok. He will have times when he feels ok, but then he’ll buy a truck or build a fence or get married or have a kid or get his commercial pilot’s license and suddenly it won’t be ok again. There are things a man should be able to share with his dad, in those moments, the big moments, his absence is palpable. There’s a small shadow in the corner of all these moments, in the midst of joy and triumph sadness lingers. That is not ok. Don’t ever say it’ll be ok, you can’t know that. If losing a loved one teaches you anything it’s that nothing is certain. If they are like me suggesting things ever will be again will just piss them off.

I personally don’t like the, “they are in a better place,” or “they aren’t in pain any more” lines. It’s hard to explain why I don’t like them. I think maybe because they make me feel selfish. I wanted my dad back more than anything. To point out that he is better off now made it feel like I was being selfish by wanting him back. Like I would rather him be here suffering instead of me. The other problem there is; what if they aren’t in a better place. I know it’s ugly to think about, but not everyone is. It’s just a bad topic to get on all together. For me the pain and anger of those first few months was almost too much. I didn’t know what to do with it, but I couldn’t think about anything else. I know it sounds bad, but that made it about me. I couldn’t see past my own pain. I got tired of people always asking how my mom was doing, I know it was the worst for her, but it was hard on all of us. Let them know you care about their family, but your focus needs to be on the person you are dealing with. It’s about them. When you talk too much about how sorry you are or how you hurt for them or how you can’t imagine how their mother is making it, it makes them feel, or made me feel, like my pain was being downplayed. That made me feel selfish and gave me an avenue to direct all that anger inward. During the worst of it I was angry at and didn’t trust God, but man, I hated me.

So what do you do? I think you tell them you’re sorry. Tell them you love them, and hold them as tight as you can for as long as they’ll let you. Be honest and real. Create a safe place. They have to know its ok to be angry and sad. They also have to know its ok to laugh a little to. My friend asked if she should try to make him laugh. I said not to try and make him laugh, but allow him to laugh. They have to feel safe expressing whatever emotion they feel, burying it only drags out the process.

If you want to know how to just be there for someone - how to handle the situation with grace and love, ask Kyla and Daniel and Claire and Aaron and Ryan and Danny and Anthony, they were my breath - my safe place. I don’t remember specifics of what they said or how they said it, I just know they loved me well and that’s how I survived.

A Good Thing

2010-02-09T15:40:00.004-05:00

It blew my mind, it bled me dry, it hit me like a long goodbye,

and nobody here knows better than I that it’s a good thing.

It’ll fall like rain on your parade, laugh at the plans that you tried to make, it’ll wear you down till your heart just breaks and it’s a good thing. It’ll take just a little too much. It’ll burn you like a cinder till you’re tender to the touch.

It’ll follow you down to the ruin of your great divide, and open the wounds that you tried to hide. And there in the rubble of the heart that died you’ll find a good thing. Love is a good thing.

-Andrew Peterson-

This song hit me hard. I’ve felt all of those things. I’ve said the long goodbye; had plans blow up in my face. I’m worn down and broken, burnt and tender, wounded and exposed. I’ve been sifting through the rubble lately trying to make some sense of it all. Trying to find a reason to hope – something to hang my faith on. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. I know people who can just believe. Who seem to hope by default. I’m a Christian, but I don’t know how to just live it. I have to choose it. Every day, I have to choose it again and again. Sometimes it seems like such an obvious decision and others it takes everything I have. It doesn’t come natural to me.

This song, or the truth it contains, is huge for me because it makes that decision just a little easier. I understand that God is love, I feel loved by him. It’s just that I’ve never thought about it being the power of his love that drives me brokenness. I know this is a necessary part of the process for me, but with the complexity of God it’s difficult to be sure what about him is wreaking this havoc. I’m not sure I’m really getting to it here. The difference seems so subtle as to at first appear irrelevant, but the distinction couldn’t be more powerful for me. I know God is love and I thought that it was out of love that he chose to do these things to me. Like he was actively burning and breaking me. It’s more that this is just what happens when the created is loved by the creator, when imperfect is loved by perfection.

The only thing I can think to compare it to is the way my love makes my daughter feel safe. I don’t tell her she’s safe, at two she wouldn’t understand it anyway. She doesn’t see me lock the doors of know that I have a gun in the dresser. My love for her doesn’t drive me to show her these things so she can feel safe, but when she lays down at night it’s my love the allows her to sleep in the dark. God doesn’t break me because he loves me - he loves me and that breaks me. The difference is subtle, but it’s what allows me to sleep at night.

Live Big

2010-02-07T00:02:00.004-05:00

Just look at the ground on the grassy hill. It’ll lift you up but it holds you still, ‘cause gravity binds us but glory defines us—it’s the greater pull of a perfect will ...

It’s so full of meaning, alive and careening into the grace of the great unknown. I’m stuck down here. …up and away to the great wide open, adrift in an endless ocean, in a bliss of mystical motion. I have found this much is true: love alone can carry you.

-Andrew Peterson-

It’s no secret that I love Andrew Peterson. Something about the way he writes. I think he says things the way I would say them if I could – or he says things in a way that reaches me. Sometimes I feel like the songs are his but the words are mine. I feel like I’m seeing things that I knew or should have known all along, but somehow couldn’t express or identify. I learned last night that he has an album for kids. I think my daughter will like it someday, if this next one is a boy I imagine he’ll eventually enjoy it to. I love it now. It was on in the car today and I enjoyed it more than I’ve enjoyed any music in a long time. It’s probably that I’ve regressed so far spiritually that I have become like a child, but in between all the silly there are powerful truths. Kids are silly and young and so they like fun and adventure - they don’t dream because they are young - they dream because they haven’t forgotten how. We were made for adventure and dreams and pirate ships and imagination. None of my jeans are grass stained and I rarely make gun sounds when I fly. I want to live – live big.

I want to slay the dragon and rescue the princess. I want to live the life I’ve forgotten. This gravity binds us, but its glory that defines us. To live big, in his will, carries us with grace unto the great unknown. I want to fly.

I became a commercial pilot two weeks ago. It’s the realization of dream. In the pursuit of that dream I have done and seen things very few people will ever experience. Up and away into the great wide open, I’ve escaped the bonds of earth and danced the clouds. I’ve been engulfed in blackness and thunder. I’ve seen beauty and power - felt free and weightless. I’ve been both conqueror and completely insignificant. I have been breathless and speechless and giddy. Somehow in all of that I began the think it was work and study that propelled me. I got lost in the effort and forgot the dream. The truth is: it was never me. It was and is always about the greater pull of a perfect will. It’s not a dream I had, it’s a dream I was given. I forgot.

God, forgive my forgetfulness. I have nothing to offer this journey. This is your dream, your story, your will. My efforts are futile; it’s your love alone that carries me.

Pt 2. Backwards

2010-02-05T21:16:00.005-05:00

A good friend at work says she believes in God, but she doesn't want to go to church because she doesn't want to be a hypocrite and she isn't ready to stop living for herself (I'm paraphrasing). Earlier in a crazy moment I had told her to do something, not asked, told and not overly nicely. I apologized later and said I should have asked and probably said please, her exact words were, "I don't mind obeying people I know and like." She has is backwards. She thinks she needs to have basically become a Christian before she comes to church. She thinks she needs to come to a place where she puts God's desires before her own and then try to get to know him. It won't happen that way.

To know Him is to know that He is good. It’s that knowing that starts to make it possible to value his glory above your own. You'll never be willing to obey someone you don't know and like. She is waiting until she is willing to obey before she tries to know Him. Church is, or should be, the ultimate come as you are place. Learn him; know him, then decide if you want to obey him. There aren't many promises I can make, but I know enough to promise her (and you) this: Christianity is difficult. It won't solve all your problems. It doesn't provide a life that is easy. Christianity is a decision, a very personal and often extremely difficult decision. It’s a decision that you have to make over and over every day, but if you find in yourself the desire and strength to make that decision it will lead to joy and purpose and life. The first thing that we have to decide is whether or not we want joy and purpose and life more than we want fun and sex and alcohol and parties. For what it’s worth, I have of all seven.

pt. 1 What I Know

2010-02-03T10:26:00.004-05:00

The next three posts are kind of part of the same process for me. I'm going to divide it up and post it over the next couple of days. I hope you stop back by for the rest.

These days have been quiet for me -long and . I haven't done the things I've needed to do to stir the waters. I've been absent - far away and busy. Even the days seem quiet - still and lonely. It’s cold and dark now, I don't feel or think - I just do. The motions are easy but rest is elusive. There are faces I don't know - parts of a story that can't be mine. There is a fog - cold and quiet.

Something has moved. Pebbles dropped in a still pool. The ripples are small, but the water is moving. It’s hard to make my way back to the pool, but I know there is healing there. I've heard stories - been asked questions - been invited, challenged. I feel almost brave enough to hope - could there be light, warmth, and healing enough for me?

A friend recently lost his newborn daughter. I haven't spoken to him since, but I heard he spoke at the memorial service. I can't imagine having strength like that, but I know where it comes from. This is the kind of story that penetrates, that finds you where you are and forces you to think. It wakes you up and brakes you. I don't like to think about what I would do in his situation, but I can't help it. I know in the moment I wouldn't be as strong as I've heard he has been, it takes me longer. I think in situations like these the only question is whether or not you believe that God is good.

I don't believe God kills. I believe we do. It’s difficult to accept death because deep down we all know we aren't supposed to die. We weren't created for it - we choose it (or chose it). I don't believe my friend’s daughter chose it, just like I don't believe my dad chose it. Adam and Eve made the same choice we all make. We choose our glory over Gods, our wishes over His plans. In this way we choose death, every day. We have created a fallen world, destroyed paradise and replaced it with a sort of nursing home. We are all dying here. God chose not to abandon us this fate. He provided a way out. He gave up his glory and came to live among us. While here he didn't choose death, he chose life, over and over every day for 33 years he chose life so that when he did finally decide to meat death it was ours he met and not his own. He took our death - he met it as sacrifice and conqueror. Death has been defeated - we have life and hope and grace and mercy freely available to us. We just have to choose it.

Hover Near

2009-12-17T23:30:00.004-05:00

Our enemy, our captor is no pharaoh on the Nile
Our toil is neither mud nor brick nor sand
Our ankles bear no calluses from chains, yet Lord, we're bound
Imprisoned here, we dwell in our own land

Deliver us, deliver us
Oh Yahweh, hear our cry
And gather us beneath your wings tonight

Our sins they are more numerous than all the lambs we slay
These shackles they were made with our own hands
Our toil is our atonement and our freedom yours to give
So Yahweh, break your silence if you can
-Andrew Peterson

I’ve felt disconnected lately. I haven’t been able to go to church regularly in over 9 months. It’s taking its toll. I knew it was affecting me, but it’s become more glaring over the Christmas season. I can’t connect with the story. It’s all porcelain dolls and silent nights. I don’t like terms like Christmas Spirit and Holiday Cheer. I prefer words like redemption, rescue, and grace. There has always been since of awe for me in the reality of the story we tell this time of year. Not so much this year. I haven’t seen one advent candle lit. Not even a glimpse of the wonder surrounding the story of God with us.

A few days ago I took a friend flying. She wanted to touch a cloud. I know, sounded a little silly to me at first to. It was a great day for it. Scattered clouds at 2900, broken at 5000. We went up through the first layer and flew between it and the second. The world became white. Clouds above and below - blue sky out in front. For a while the wheels were skimming the clouds below us. It’s the second most breathtaking flight I’ve ever been on. It was fun, until she opened the window. When she stuck her hand out into that cloud the look on her face changed the experience for me. It was a look I’ve only ever seen on my daughters face, a look I thought only existed on the face of a child. So much joy – such wonder. I didn’t experience it then, but I knew I wanted to.

Tonight I read words about the Christmas story – beautiful words. Words with the power to connect to a story with the power to rescue. As I read about the birth of Christ I found myself, for the first time this year, wide eyed and slack jawed. It became real. A story about real people changed in moment by the overwhelming love of a father. It became clear to me that the only way for me to really connect with the story was to try to connect to its characters – characters that really lived and breathed. Not porcelain dolls under wooden frames, real human people with dirt on their sandals – the same dirt I dump out of my New Balances at night.

I did what I always do when I’m trying to get somewhere – put the IPod on. I listened to Andrew Peterson’s Christmas album. The story starts with Israel – my story starts there to. They were enslaved, rescued, delivered, and then spent 400 years waiting. I feel a lot like that now. Silently waiting. I’m afraid I almost missed it. Tonight as I wait I’m going to pray what I think could have been the first prayer Israel ever prayed in total unison. It’s a prayer I believe addresses the needs in my life. I need mercy. I need love. I need a Savior.

"Lord, let your judgment Passover us

Lord, let your love hover near

Don't let your sweet mercy Passover us

Let this blood cover over us here"

Andrew Peterson

The Ninety And Nine

2009-10-28T09:58:00.007-04:00

There were ninety and nine that safely lay

In the shelter of the fold

But one was out on the hills away

Far off from the gates of gold

Away on the mountains, wild and bare

Away from the tender shepherd's care

It's probably arrogance and pride, but I always feel like the one. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. That's me. I don't know why, but I can't stay put. I think sometimes it's because I like the attention the danger brings. This story is not about the ninety nine, it's about the one. I'm starting to think there is a part of me, a part I'm growing to hate, that wanders into the mountains, not because I'm confused or lost but because I enjoy the attention. I don't like the beating, but I like the complaining. I want people to feel like I've overcome, that I'm strong. I can brave the wild, barren wilderness and return with stories of daring rescue. I get restless in the fold; I want to be the one.

But none of the ransomed ever knew

How deep were the waters crossed

Nor how dark was the night that the Lord passed through

Ere He found His sheep that was lost

Out in the desert He heard its cry

Sick and helpless and ready to die

I can't handle the barren lands; the desert is never the adventure it seems to be when viewed from the safety of the fold under the protection of the Sheppard. I don't think it's the desert that makes me sick and helpless. I am sick and helpless, the desert exposes me for what I am - dying. Well, I was, and not dying - dead. I was dead in sin, condemned to the desert from birth by the weight of a choice I didn't make - and all the ones I have. When you're born in the desert and then carried to green pastures and still waters it's hard to understand just how difficult the journey was. I struggle to remember and understand what it cost the Sheppard to come after me.

'Lord, Thou hast here Thy ninety and nine

Are they not enough for Thee'

But the shepherd made answer

'This of mine has wandered away from me

And though the road be rough and steep

I go to the desert to find my sheep

I wonder if Jesus discussed his plan with the host of heaven before he set out on his rescue mission. This is obviously me reading myself into the story, I don't think the Lord gets questioned in heaven the way he does here, but I can just imagine them all wandering why he needed to go so badly. How am I worth what the journey would require? I find comfort in his answer - "He his mine. They will be my people and I will be their God. For that to happen I must go to the desert".

But all through the mountains, thunder riven

And up from the rocky steep

There rose a glad cry at the gates of Heaven

'Rejoice, I have found my sheep!'

And the angels echoed around the throne

'Rejoice for the Lord brings back His own!

We had a baptism service at church Sunday; it was one of the most moving services I have ever been in. A friend's husband was baptized. I worked with her for years and heard stories and occasionally saw this guy. I didn't like him much; he wasn't there for her kids and didn't treat her right. He was on drugs and in and out of jail. It seemed he only came around when he saw the opportunity to take advantage of her love for him in a new way. I'm sure on more than one occasion I told her to forget about him - to move on - to live for herself and her children. I didn't understand why she couldn't or wouldn't just let him go. Sunday was powerful. This may sound weird, but little of its power and my joy in it had anything to do with the guy who got baptized. Sunday's power was in the reminder of what kind of God we serve. We serve a God who rescues - A God who pursues. It seems to me that if you want to die in the desert you are going to have to try really hard. This guy at church is proof that God will never stop calling. What happened in his life echoes what was done in mine. His story is my story, the words are different, but the hero is the same. It's not about the sheep. We don't rejoice for the one, we rejoice for the Lord who brings back His own.

- The Ninety and Nine is a Song by Andrew Peterson.

Drive By

2009-10-15T12:59:00.005-04:00

I don't get to go to church much these days. I think I've been about 4 times in the last seven months. I've taken church for granted. Up until I got this job in March I had been to church almost every week for 28 years, sometimes several times a week. I got to where I didn't think about it much. Kind of the way you don't think about food or shelter much until you visit a third world country - or they way you don't think about oxygen much until you go skiing at 13,000 feet - or the way you don't think about sleep much until you have a new baby. This is a time of spiritual deprivation and exhaustion. Months without feeding have led to a new kind of struggle. A struggle to stand, to go on. I stumble more now and it seems harder to get back up. I'm struggling, but I'm also seeing and learning things that I think are growing me.

I was "churched" a couple weeks ago. I think of it like kind of a drive by churching. One of those things that happens fast and changes you in an instant. I mentioned that I've been in church my whole life. It's always been a place for me to give - time, talents, resources. I've, of course, gotten more that I've given, but not in a tangible way. For me its been about community and relationships more than having physical needs met. Now I find myself short on both time and resources, I find myself, for the first time, in a place where my family has needs I'm in no position to meet. I was telling Preach and Preachess about our air conditioner breaking, It was still pretty hot outside and I knew we wouldn't be able to fix it. We had already had one night sweating it out. I know it's a small thing, but it was heartbreaking to see my daughter in the morning with her little hair matted with sweat. I should be able to give her a comfortable safe place to sleep. I really felt like I was letting her down. Anyway, Preachess said there is a HVAC guy in our church and said she would call and see if he would look at it. I felt really weird about it. The idea of having a stranger come to my house and help knowing I would probably never be able to pay him back was really unsettling. Preachess said I should let the church be the church. They called, he came that very afternoon.

He was at our house for, maybe, 15 minutes, but when he left our AC worked. I know I've taken a long time to tell a simple story about a small thing, but it was huge for me. I'm going to have a hard time explaining it, I've thought about it for weeks and I can't get it right in my head. It's the first time I can remember seeing the church from this side. I understand how it works, my love of Christ has compelled me to give, I just didn't expect to see so much more clearly from this side. There is something about a man you've never seen before coming to your house to do something for you that you can't do for yourself that moves you. It's a humbling - powerful thing. He talked about his desire to give back, to make a difference. He did, in no small way, he made a difference in our lives. Not because we're more comfortable now, I am different because I've seen first hand what it looks like when someone you don't know, that you can't do anything for, shows you compassion.

See. Do. Go

2009-09-24T00:44:00.007-04:00

2! You’re both getting so old. You are no longer babies - You are entering little boyhood. I am so proud of the little men you are growing into. Live as big as you’re becoming.

See with compassion. Do in love. Go with Faith.

I wrote this (or something like it) in a birthday card for two little boys (twins) that I love like they’re my own. The last line there comes from a blog I read back in May. It was a simple post that changed more than the way I sing a song to my daughter - I think it may have drastically altered the way I want to raise her. Most every night of her two years I’ve gone into her room before I went to bed to check on her. I take her milk cup out, put her in the middle of the bed, cover her back up, brush her little bit of hair from left to right, and I pray. I pray for her safety, that she’ll be protected – shielded, that she won’t know pain or loss or fear. I pray that where I fail, God will not.

I haven’t checked on her yet tonight, but I think when I do my prayer will be different. I think tonight I’ll pray that she’ll live – live big.

What you see, little eyes, see with care.

This is the line of the song the blog author suggest we use. The words are so similar to the original, (Oh, be careful, little eyes, what you see) that it may be easy to feel like they mean basically the same thing. I feel it’s safe to say the original author only meant to say that children should be careful what they are exposed to, input – output, right? While I agree with that, I also think there is suggestion there that we look away if something is ugly or broken or unholy. I don’t want my daughter to look away. I want her to see people. I want her to see them in their brokenness and need and desperation. I want her to see with compassion.

What you do, little hands, do with love.

I don’t ever want my daughter to be afraid to reach out. I want her to see need, be moved with compassion, and reach out in love. I want hers to be hands that heal – that hold up – that comfort.

Where you’re called, little feet, go with faith.

To do the things I hope she does, she has to be where God wants her to be. I hope he wants her to be next door to me, forever, but I’m convinced he has greater things planned for her. She’s beautiful, funny, sweet, engaging, smart, and she never stops going. She is going to do great things. Assuming she learns to listen when God calls and willing to go and do. I don’t want her to be careful where she goes. I want her to follow God with recklessness. I don’t want her testing the waters, I want her to leap with faith and go in head first.

I understand that she’s way too young to really process any of this. I just don’t want her to be afraid. I don’t want her to be so immersed in religious rules that she can’t see the miracle life is every day. I want her to be awed by God’s love and committed to his plan. I know where not supposed to be like the world, but I’m convinced we have to live in it. This may not be home, but it’s a pretty nice place to vacation and I'm in no hurry to leave.

When we were kids my youngest sister was terrified to get in the ocean. It looked like a water fall and she was afraid that if she got in it would suck her over the edge. The ocean is a big – dark – dangerous place, and we are not aquatic creatures. It makes sense to be afraid of what may happen if you lose yourself in it, but it ain’t much of a vacation if you don’t get in the water.

Rise Up

2009-08-31T01:33:00.007-04:00

Habakkuk 3: 17

Though the fig tree should not blossom,

nor fruit be on the vines,

the produce of the olive fail

and the fields yield no food,

the flock be cut off from the fold

and there be no herd in the stalls,

13 yet I will rejoice in the LORD;

I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

19GOD, the Lord, is my strength;

Can you pray this prayer? This is the question Preach closed the message with today. For me, the answer is yes - I can, I have, I do. It doesn’t sound as good, but the idea is the same. It took me a long time to get here, but I know God is powerful enough to rescue – I understand that sometimes he doesn’t – I’m going to rejoice and take joy in Him either way.

This is not something that’s easy, and feel weird saying I can do it (I almost never get to answer rhetorical preacher questions in the affirmative). So, I’m going to try and explain why I’m confident in my answer this time. The reason most people have difficulty with questions like this is that the language is all wrong. The question is not, Can I? The question is Will He? People say God won’t allow you to face anything too big for you to handle - those people are mistaken. It’s almost inevitable He will.

God causes, or by inaction allows, things to happen in our lives that we are in no way equipped to handle. He does this so we have nowhere else to turn but to Him. If you try to take on these things without him you will be devoured by them. You can’t handle much of anything on your own. Can I? No. If you choose to turn these situations over to God, you change the question. Will He?

God’s power is terrifying and his motives often unclear, but He is good. Of that I am sure. Preach made a powerful statement today, I don’t remember it exactly, but basically it was that God only moves in love and always toward salvation. His motivation is love – His goal salvation. When these truths are difficult there are two passages in scripture I carry near my heart to lean on:

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

Romans 5:20

Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more

Grace is always bigger than sin – God is in control. He is good and so is what he has for me. If you never receive another blessing from God - If you lose everything you have. If in that you never see God’s hand or hear His voice, He will still be there. He will still be good. He will still be God. You may not see Him, but He will be there. God will rise up to meet the storm and absorb the flood because it’s the only way you survive. All things come from Him. There is no faith, no hope, no life apart from God. You can’t. He will.

Don't Make Us Sing

2009-08-29T22:04:00.007-04:00

http://burnsidewriterscollective.blogspot.com/2009/08/please-dont-make-us-sing-this-song.html

Psalm 137.

1 By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept
when we remembered Zion.

2 There on the poplarswe hung our harps,

3 for there our captors asked us for songs,our tormentors demanded songs of joy;
they said, "Sing us one of the songs of Zion!"

4How can we sings songs of the Lord whilein a foreign land?

Habakkuk 1:

2 How long, O LORD, must I call for help,
but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, "Violence!"
but you do not save?

3 Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrong?
Destruction and violence are before me;
there is strife, and conflict abounds.

4 Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails.
The wicked hem in the righteous,
so that justice is perverted.

I'm alone tonight, have been pretty much all week. The wife and daughter were at the beach all week and tonight the wife is at a wedding. They were both here yesterday and I had the kido to myself for a couple hours tonight, we had fun, but she's in bed now and (except for the giant dog parked on my lap) I'm alone again. I don't like myself when I'm alone. I'm never sure what to do, tonight I decided on some surfing. I came across the blog I linked to above and now I'm here trying to express to you what I felt watching it. It may be that I've been on the verge of emotional for the last few days anyway, but when they kept the camera on that kid towards the end of the video, something broke in me. I think its because I've felt most of the things written on his face. There was such sadness and confusion and fear and, somewhere just below the surface, anger. When I take the church mask off I often find that to be the face I wear.

If you're going to understand where I'm coming from it's important to realize, and I think both of you do, that for me there a two very distinct spiritual times in my life. When my father was alive and since. A lot of the questions posed by events such as Katrina I dealt with in a personal way with the passing of my father, I thought I understood how that works. I thought that until Katrina, as a watched footage of that tragedy I couldn't help but feel like Habakkuk. How could God cause, or by inaction allow, that kind of devastation? I understood, again, how that could leave gaping holes in some people's theology. I think the easy answer is that the existence of such feelings points to a being created in the image of a God who is just. Without God where do we get ideas like justice and equality and fair play. These are certainly not things we see in nature. Nature is about power and ability, the strong get to evolve and the weak are devoured. Surely we did not learn compassion from such a place, the natural world teaches nothing of justice or fair play. If you crave those things I think you are forced to concede that you must be created in the image of a God who embodies those things. So we are forced to conclude there is a God and that he sometimes does things that don't seem right to us. The question becomes, how do we respond?

Some people call what happened in New Orleans justice? I couldn't disagree more. About a year after Katrina we went on a cruise that left out of New Orleans, and I got to see the devastation with my own eyes. That was not justice. The innocent died there side by side with the guilty - the guilty survived with the innocent.

I can't remember where I was going with all that. We live in a fallen world, the sin we choose takes lives every day. Sometimes it looks like justice - more often its just tragedy and despair. The world is dark, but the dawn is coming. I think it goes back to the question Ker Gire asks that I use on the top of this page, "How will we wait"? What will we do as we advance towards dawn?

You can see the answer in videos of Katrina's aftermath - in footage of 9/11 and the war on terror. You see it in hospital rooms and nursing homes and restaurants - in neighborhoods, stadiums, and churches. We do all that we can. We rescue. We are heroes. We fight. We show compassion. We live. We build. We give. We love. We sing.

Enough

2009-08-09T22:49:00.006-04:00

The little blue engine looked up at the hill.

His light was weak, his whistle was shrill.

He was tired and small, and the hill was tall,

And his face blushed red as he softly said,

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

So he started up with a chug and a strain,

And he puffed and pulled with might and main.

And slowly he climbed, a foot at a time,

And his engine coughed as he whispered soft,

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

With a squeak and a creak and a toot and a sigh,

With an extra hope and an extra try,

He would not stop — now he neared the top —

And strong and proud he cried out loud,

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!”

-Shel Silverstein

I read this poem for the first time, again, yesterday. I read this as a child, Where the Sidewalk Ends, was one of my favorite books growing up. This is a pretty classic tale. We're all familiar with the Little Engine that could, and the Little Blue Engine here seems on the verge of the same sort of triumph. We all love this story, we love it for the same reason we love Rocky and Hoosiers. We want to see the little guy triumph, we want to believe its possible to defy the odds. We love these stories because at times we all feel like the underdog. The deck just seems to be stacked against us. I feel that way now. These last few months I've felt like Rocky in the first 14 rounds against the Russian. I love the progression in The Little Blue Engine. In the first parts of the poem he He blushes and coughs and whispers soft, "I think I can." Eventually he starts to see the top of the hill, he begins to believe he may be able to do the impossible, strong and proud he cries out loud, "I think I can."

I think I may be starting to see some light at the end of my own tunnel. At times the unthinkable seems almost possible. Sometimes.

He was almost there, when — CRASH! SMASH! BASH!

He slid down and mashed into engine hash

On the rocks below... which goes to show

If the track is tough and the hill is rough,

THINKING you can just ain’t enough!

I've had a few of these moments this week to. It seems silly to think that just because I finish flight school things are going to get better. I know how the industry works, I know what the economy is like. Thinking and hoping just aren't going to be enough. I'm not afraid I won't be good enough, I can fly. In ways I don't understand God's been preparing me to do it my whole life. Flying feels a lot like standing at the alter with my wife, or holding my daughter in the hospital. I know its right, and I know I can do it. The question becomes; how do I go from thinking it may be possible to making it happen for myself? This is question I've been wrestling with.

Its funny how God meets you in places you'd never thought you'd be at times you least expect. I got to go to church today for the first time in a long time. I was tired and worried and discouraged, I was hoping for peace and rest. I found both. I'm thankful for a church that seeks truth in everything it does, from what the pastor says to what the band plays:

You're the God of this City

You're the King of these people

You're the Lord of this nation

You're the Light in this darkness

You're the Hope to the hopeless

You're the Peace to the restless

For greater things have yet to come

And greater things are still to be done in this City

-Chris Tomlin

Am I still worried about finding a job? You bet. The track is tough and the hill is rough. The last thing I want to be is engine hash on the rocks below, and I've seen enough of the way God works to know that, for him, that might not be the worst thing to have happen. Believing in and serving a God that is completely sovereign is a terrifying thing. Coming to a place where you can choose his glory of your own prosperity is maybe the most difficult of man's duties. I'm not there, but I've had flashes. I've seen enough to know that I don't want to be in this alone. With things as dark and difficult as they are there is only one source of light and hope and peace powerful enough to drive out the doubt I often carry. He is King of this city, and I'm confident that if we stay around long enough we just may see some great things.

From My Back Porch

2009-07-06T00:07:00.004-04:00

Some guys at work were talking about the economy the other day, I try not to get real involved in those conversations because it seems like I'm usually on the other side of the isle, but one of them used an expression I had never heard before and its stuck with me. the first guy was talking about all the economic improvements that have been made in the last several months and the second guy said, "I'm sure its out there, but you can't see it from my back porch."

I feel that way about truth right now. I wish I could be more specific, but I can't. I just feel like there is something I'm missing. I just re-read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and this time its left me with more questions than answers. I'm afraid I have become convinced that if there are answers for me out there, for now, they lie in study and theology. I hate that, I really do. I don't like the language of theology and I don't like being categorized. Mr. Lewis has convinced me that this is childish, short sighted, and a little narrow. I'm not sure how to paraphrase it, so here is the complete text.

I think he had probably had a real experience of God in  the  desert.  And when he  turned from that experience  to  the  Christian creeds, I think  he really was  turning  from something real to something less real.  In the same  way,  if a man has once looked at the Atlantic  from the beach,  and then goes and looks at a map of the Atlantic, he also will be turning from something real  to something less real: turning from real waves to a bit of coloured paper. But here comes the point. The map is admittedly only coloured paper, but  there are  two things you  have  to remember about  it. In the  first place,  it is  based on what hundreds  and  thousands  of  people  have found  out  by  sailing the  real Atlantic. In that way it  has behind it masses of experience just as real as the one you could have  from the  beach; only, while yours would be a single isolated glimpse, the map fits all those  different experiences together. In the  second  place,  if  you want  to  go  anywhere,  the  map is absolutely necessary. As long  as  you are  content with walks on  the beach,  your own glimpses are far more fun than  looking at a map. But the map is going to be more use than walks on the beach if you want to get to America.

I want, very badly, to get to America. I'm afraid I'm about to get into some very deep water -out in some wide open spaces. I could (I'm sure at times I will) get very lost where I now plan on going, but I've come to the place where I'd rather drown than stay on the beach. It just doesn't seem to make much sense taking this journey without some sort of map. In this instance, C.S. Lewis is right, theology becomes both necessary and practical.

I'm a short way into this journey and I'm not clear on what I've seen so far, but I'm going to try and talk about where I am now. I've thought a lot lately about how time works for God. It started in discussion about the difference between God knowing what you are going to do and making you do it. From there I started thinking (led, again, by Mr. Lewis) about what happens when you pray and how God can be as attentive as we all believe he is. C.S. Lewis says what I have always thought, that God is outside of time so that he sees it all as it is happening, we have to leave point A to get to B but he doesn't. Both A and B are His present.

The idea here is simple, it is always now for God; every moment through all of time is his present, his current reality. I've thought this for as long as I can remember, but I've never really thought about what it means for everything else I believe. This one idea touches and moves everything I believe. What takes me 45 seconds to pray God has all of eternity to listen to. The sin I commit without thinking, he has all of eternity to be hurt or dishonored by.

I haven't been able to get past the feeling that everything is finished, Jesus said it. I believe it. We can already be forgiven for sins we haven't yet committed because we have committed them, we just haven't' gotten there yet. Make sense? Doesn't really to me either. For God, right now I am committing every sin I'll ever commit. Right now God is realizing what it will take to reconcile that sin and bring me back into fellowship with him. Right now Christ is choosing to take my place. Right now my sin is being counted to him and his righteousness to me. Right now it is finished, death is defeated. In this moment I am forgiven, not just for this moment, but for all my moments. This is the hour of my salvation.

I don't know if this makes any sense, I doubt it does. It helps me a little though. I hope that by sharing here I'm able to help you, but I'm sure I sometimes do more harm than good. For the foreseeable future when I'm able to write I suspect it will be just as vague it has been tonight. I hope that when I get where I'm going you're there with me - having enjoyed and benefited from the ride.

2009-06-24T01:08:00.001-04:00

What If

2009-05-24T00:20:00.012-04:00

Ben Thomas: [From trailer] I did something really bad once and I'm never gonna be the same!

Emily Posa: Do you wanna play a game?
Ben Thomas: What game?
Emily Posa: The "what if" game.
From the movie Seven Pounds

Kyla and I watched Seven Pounds tonight. I thought it was just fair as the credits began to roll, but here I am several hours later sitting in a dark living room thinking about it. It has caused me to ask myself a couple of questions. Why do we have such a difficult time forgiving ourselves? How far would we really go to make things right? How far can we go? Why do we let ourselves be controlled by guilt? Why, when all other emotions fail, are we so often left with anger? Why are we so willing to live a life defined by grief?

Do you wanna play a game? What if we understood and accepted who we are in Christ? What if we really believed that we can do nothing and just had faith that it had already been taken care of for us? What if we accepted the life given for us and everyday chose to live in the freedom it provided? What if we felt less entitled and more generous and grateful? What if we were controlled by praise and left with joy? What if we were willing to give up ourselves and live in submission to love? What if we were blind to guilt and shame and anger and chose instead to see provision and grace and mercy?

Out Of Aces

2009-05-05T20:37:00.004-04:00

It's been a frustrating several days for me. I haven't been able to fly but once in the last two weeks and it looks like it's going to be a least another several days before I can again. That tends to make me feel like I'm getting nowhere. We've had some things break around the house lately too, mower, dishwasher, leaky shower, things like that. I feel like I'm behind. Stuck a little.

I'm not supposed to be doing these things. I should be so much further by now. I feel like I'm going nowhere and doing nothing. I really feel like I have nothing to offer right now. I think that may be how I'm supposed to feel. I think God has been intentional about bringing me to this place. Over the last several months I've been ok missing the occasional quiet time, I think it's because I felt like I was getting stuff done. When I didn't make time for God I excused it by saying, "look at all I got done. You put me on this path and I'm making progress." I know better than to think accomplishment could ever replace relationship. Or I thought I did. I've found myself wanting more of God these last few days. I have nothing else to offer, so I plead the cross. I surrender to grace.

I heard The Gambler on the radio yesterday and the line, "I can see your out of aces". Seemed like it came straight from God. There is nothing for me to offer, I am holding nothing of value. I never have. In that moment I decided to lay down all I have and just plead the cross. I folded, and in doing so I went all in.

Kill me, now

2009-04-30T00:08:00.006-04:00

I've got a lot going on tonight. I've been blown away lately by God's grace and mercy. I got involved in a little Free Will v. Predestination discussion a few days ago and I think God's used it to point over and over again to his Grace. He's reminded me of how he pursued me, saved me, redeemed and justified me. Today I read the first several chapters of John's Gospel, it uses the word all about four times in the first few verses. It also uses the phrase "grace upon grace". I'm pretty sure God isn't doing this to remind assure me I'm right in my defense of free will, I'm sure it's the opposite. My defense of free causing me to focus on grace. I'm done trying to defend a position, I just keep hearing God say, "I love you. Look what I did for you. Look at the lengths I went to just to make you mine. I bring light and hope and rest".

I think I might be getting lonely, spiritually lonely. It's not that I work a weird shift now and don't get to see the people I love as often as I used to, it's not missing church or conversation or community - I don't think. I've read and thought a lot about some of the people in the Bible that went through times of isolation to prepare them for the work they had been called to do. I don't think flying is anything like preparing the way for Jesus, I just think this may be a time that God is using to deal with me on a more personal level. I want it, but it scares the shit out of me. I have no more defenses - the walls have come down. I feel naked in my depravity before a holy and righteous God. I'm exposed, suddenly and completely aware of all I am - all I'm not.

In my my last blog I posted a quote from Matt Chandler about how God seeks to destroy anything in us that isn't of him. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it - to stop wanting it. I heard this Caedmon's call song in the car on the way home tonight and I again found myself exposed - in true broken worship of the God who redeemed me.

Of all the duties I have done. I quit the hopes I held before. Now, for the loss I bear his name, What was my gain I count my loss. My former pride I call my shame, and nail my glory to His cross. Yes, and I must, I will esteem all things but loss for Jesus' sake. O may my soul be found in Him. No more my God, I boast no more.

All I've done and hoped and gained, I count as loss for Jesus sake. I want nothing more than to kill every part of me that isn't totally of and consumed and in service to Him. No more my God, I boast - I lie - I lust - I covet - I fail - I rebel - I resist no more. I want it done, and I want it done now. I'm tired and I don't think I can carry it any longer. In moments like these I'm reminded of the last words of our Savior uttered under the full burden of our sin, "It is finished".

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

There is rest. The process, for me, is difficult and often I resist it with all that I have left, but I find the more of me that is destroyed the more alive I feel. I have to decrease so that he can increase. Without his great mercy there is only death and guilt and shame. In his grace there is light and hope and rest. And I weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

Abounding Grace

2009-04-26T23:27:00.006-04:00

18 So then as through one transgression there resulted condemnation to all men, even so through one act of righteousness there resulted justification of life to all men. 19 For as through the one man’s disobedience the many were made sinners, even so through the obedience of the One the many will be made righteous. 20 The Law came in so that the transgression would increase; but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, 21 so that, as sin reigned in death, even so grace would reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

For some time now this has been my favorite passage in all of scripture. Not just because verse 18 makes a pretty decent argument for free will, but because it (v18) provides hope and because 20 and 21 are my story. During the darkest times in my life I've found God right there with me. I have run from his love and he has pursued me. I often wondered how it was that the dirtier I got the closer he seemed to get. It seemed the faster I ran from him the more fervently he pursued me. In the face of an angry and deliberate rebellion God showed only mercy and love. Why was that my experience? Because that's how it works. Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more.

I've been persuaded lately to read some Matt Chandler. He's no Isaiah, but he's not bad. He grabbed hold of every part of me and has absolutely ruined me for anything but Him. The process of sanctification has been and still is quite often a very difficult one. No one told me (or maybe they did) that Jesus wanted my heart. I thought there was going to be some behavior modification and some new friends but I didn’t understand how aggressively, ruthlessly and passionately He was going to search and destroy in me anything that wasn’t of Him. Nor did I understand how dark my heart truly was and how out of fear, pride and arrogance I would argue, complain and resist almost every advance of the Holy Spirit to reconcile every part of my being into holiness.I'm convinced this is what has been going on in my life. The process for me, up until now, has been quite painful. I have come to understand just how dark my heart is, and I think through my pain and anger god exposed those things in me that needed killing. I have complained and resisted most of what he has done, but his grace is ruthless and his blood is powerful. I don't think I've fully surrendered my heart to him (I'm sure I'll ever be able to) but I know now that he won't take anything less. I know that there is little I can do to stop it now. It's still painful at times, but I'm confident in his grace, I know I can't out sin him. Where sin increases, grace abounds all the more.
.

So you know

2009-04-23T21:22:00.005-04:00

It occurs to me tonight that I haven't talked much about what I believe when it comes to specific ideals. I'm not going to take a long time and get into detailed arguments about why I think the way I do, I'm just going to lay it out there so you know the lens I'm looking (and writing) through.

I believe the Bible is the perfect, inerrant word of God. Perfectly preserved over two thousand years and given to us exactly as God intended us to have it. I believe it to be the first and last word in all things.

I believe Jesus was and is the son of God, the messiah. I believe he is exactly who and what he claims to be. I believe he walked this earth as God and yet was completely man. I believe he went to the cross willingly and in perfect submission to will of the Father out of an unstoppable love for all of man. I believe in dying he killed our sin and in resurrecting he defeated death. I believe a faith in him is the only way to heaven.

I'm not sure what the technical terminology for it is, but I believe it's the Holy Spirit working in you that first draws you to God, I believe it's God revelation of himself to you that allows you to make the first step towards him. I believe in that first step you are saved and the Holy Spirit is with you. I believe it happens at the same time, I believe that because it seems to me that without the Holy Spirit you could never find the strength to take the second step.

While I believe it takes a move of God to draw us to him, I also believe we have it in us to deny him. I think we were chosen in our creation and I believe Christ went to the cross for all of us, I believe God meant it when he said it wasn't his will that any should perish. I haven't read a bunch of fancy books on the topic, but I have read the Bible - all of it. I have a hard time understanding how it is that God knew who would reject him and still saw fit to create them. I don't know how you can say he gives everybody a chance if he already knows who won't take it, but I accept that the finite can never understand the infinite. Nothing I've read in the Bible points to a God who creates a person destined to hell. I believe that God takes his glory very seriously and I believe he is going to do the thing that glorifies him the most - I believe allowing his creation the freedom to deny him brings him glory when they freely choose him. I have done my best to walk with God for the better part of 21 years, in that time I have lived the Christian life. It's been real and dirty and difficult - and the most joyfully freeing experience I can imagine. I have hurt and ran and rebelled and God has always been in pursuit of my heart. God has caught me - captured me. He has done that because he has never forsaken me. How can I claim that promise for myself and believe it isn't for everyone? The Bible says whosoever believes - that includes you. I believe it to be all inclusive.

I guess I'm technically an eternal security guy. I've always believed that there is nothing you can do loose your salvation. However, the more I see of the world and the more I think about the way salvation works, the more I believe you can willingly surrender your salvation. The Bible talks about people trading truth for lies, the only way to trade the truth is to know it. It seems to me that if you come to a point you can deny God then you've traded the truth you once accepted for lies, and in that case I think it may be possible to forfeit the salvation that truth provides.

I believe God is just and righteous and holy. I believe he is love and mercy and grace. I believe he is sovereign and powerful and tender. He is all things good. I believe that we, all of us, are his children created by him to spend eternity with him. I believe sin is powerful and Satan is real. I believe Jesus is victorious and death and Satan have been defeated. I believe there is life and freedom in total surrender to the God who rescued us. I believe heaven is a real, psychical place. I know that, if we allow it, the cross is powerful and grace sufficient enough to overcome all that binds us and see us safely home.

Instruments

2009-04-18T00:01:00.007-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about my first flight in real instrument conditions. It was a really weird experience for me. It was about learning to unlearn what I'd spent a lifetime learning. If that makes sense. The problem with flying in instrument conditions is you have no visual reference points and your body tells you all sorts of crazy stuff. It becomes difficult to tell which way is up. I found myself flying in tight banks with the nose down without even knowing it. You really should be able to feel something like that. It's almost like your body has so little to go on that it makes up things that aren't real. I found myself sort of creating horizons to fly at. I don't care how good you are, there is no way to fly in those conditions without your instruments. The problem is, looking at an instrument panel for six hours is really boring. I'd be flying along just fine and get the urge to look out the widow for a while and the next thing you know I'm spiraling toward the ground. Someone once told me I didn't have a bad experience, I had the wrong experience. I think that's probably a good way to describe what happens when you try to fly in the clouds based on what you feel and see.

I do the same thing with God. I've spent a lot of time here telling you how I experience God and what that says about him. I think most of it is probably valid, I love stories and I believe God is there in those stories - healing, teaching, comforting, revealing. I haven't spent much time telling you what I've found the Bible to say about God. That scares me a little. I've been scooting along here in the clouds with only occasional glances at the instrument.

When you're instrument flying you have to trust what they say. You have to learn to ignore what you think you know, everything your mind tells you to be correct, and fly based on what the instruments tell you is true. The analogy kind of breaks down here because flight instruments sometimes fail and the Bible never does, there has to be a balance.

The plane I took that flight in is pretty old and going through the clouds and rain one of the windows leaked a little and I could feel the cold and water down my arm. It made the experience real. It was one of the most memorable moments of my life, not because the instruments were nice to read, but because the experience was real. At the same time, I probably would have died had the instruments not been there. I guess I'm saying; dare to fly, live in the clouds, revel in the experience, just make sure and check the gauges.

Prepare

2009-04-09T23:24:00.005-04:00

The Word of the Lord came one evening
Concerning His bride's great sin
He'd send down His Word to renew her
To prepare for the Bridegroom again
The Word said repent
From seeking vain glories
While the gifts in the Lord's name you give
Repent of all the first stones cast to kill
While your own self-righteousness lives

Prepare ye the way for the Lord
Prepare ye the way for the kingdom

Caedmon's Call

I came here tonight to prepare. I haven't been to church or had any real quiet time in several weeks and I feel dirty. I feel disconnected - forgotten. I don't know what I expected to happen, I know better than to think God would be waiting here for me just because I felt like I needed him to be. I've sat here in silence for exactly 40 minutes just waiting for something to happen. I didn't know what it would take to prepare for Easter like I wanted, but I know I didn't want to walk into church on Sunday and, on the one day I'm able to be there, not be able to worship through my filth. After some time here in the dark alone I found myself singing this Caedmon's Call song. I'm again amazed by the simplicity of the way God moves. I find myself in the middle of confession and repentance like I've experienced few times in my life. I've heard repentance defined as making a change for the better in response to brokenness over one's sin.

I'm not sure what kind of change I'll be able to make. I'm sure it won't look life changing at first, but I wonder what it would look like to live without fear. Fear of what my sin makes me - fear of what my depravity drives me to become. I've found the latter to be the most crippling lately. A new found understanding and acceptance of grace helps to relieve the fear and guilt associated with past sins, but I'm starting to think a poor understanding of mercy leads me to fear what I may become. I'm probably totally off, this is feeling not scripture based, but I think it's grace that sets us free and mercy that continually revives us so we have the strength to live here.

It's funny how when one layer of weakness and fear is peeled away it often reveals another. Several Sundays ago I came face to face with God's grace. Tonight, in this place I've encountered His mercy. It's mercy that frees me to live. To fly, to love, and to laugh.

Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song,
The joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue.
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast.

Without Thy sweet mercy, I could not live here.
Sin would reduce me to utter despair,
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own
In the covenant love of Thy crucified Son.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine. -Caedmon's Call

Smoke & Ash

2009-03-31T23:37:00.005-04:00

I didn't intend to write tonight. I don't have anything to say, but I found myself sitting here just staring at the screen. I clicked on the Daily Bible reading. I read Deuteronomy 8 and it became clear why I'm here - I'm here to remember. My new job has me working every Sunday, and I'm starting to feel disconnected. I expected to recall all the great things God has done for me, I did, but I didn't stay there long.

My mind keeps running through several experiences I've had in the last couple of days. Reminders of what I'm connected to. I smoked a cigar with my best friend a little while ago. Just he and I. We sat on his back porch and talked our way through a couple of great cigars. I remember leaning back in my chair as I exhaled and watching the smoke escape in the night breeze. A couple of dark clouds silhouetted by the moon moved quickly by in the opposite direction. I remember not being able to decided where I loved to be more - here in the smoke or there in the clouds. My daughter couldn't sleep tonight, so went into her room, picked her up, and sang to her in the dark. It was one of the sweetest moments of my life. I already know - it won't be like this for long.

My favorite blogger, in his last two posts, has written about pastors and fathers. Both are difficult subjects for me now. My pastor, up until a few weeks ago, was one of my best friends. He was a close friend who happened to speak at the church I go to. It was simple, until he brought a message that altered the foundation of how I believe. I'm not sure he could have done that as just a friend. As my pastor he changed, inspired, and ignited me. The single greatest influence in my life has been my father. He's gone now. I remember how he smiled - what he loved - how he lived. Memories of what we had, of what was lost. Fire and ash.

It's raining outside my window now. I love listening to the rain. My father did - I bet my daughter will.

What I Got

2009-03-12T23:36:00.009-04:00

It started last night with Psalms 66.

10 For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
11 You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
12 you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.

I really feel like I've lived these verses the last couple of years. I've talked a lot about my pain and confusion during what was a very spiritually trying time. I'm sure I sound like I've got some sort of victim complex, I really don't think I do. It's just who I've been (spiritually) lately. For instance, I'm moved by the Casting Crowns song about praising God in the Storm. It just feels like my story or what I want my story to be. Psalms 66 is a Psalm I would traditionally like, I like and connect to the idea of being brought out of trial. I'm comforted knowing there is biblical precedence for God-induced suffering. The problem I had with this Psalms yesterday is the word abundance - I have zero money. I've taken a job that if it pays the bills it will be just barely, and I've done this to pursue and career in a field that all but guarantees volatility, instability, difficulty, and more than it's share of lean years. I know I live in America where we all live in relative abundance, but I'm talking about taking care of my family in our current situation. A real - working - American abundance we ain't got.

Psalms 67
May God be gracious to us and bless us
and make his face to shine upon us,
2 that your way may be known on earth,
your saving power among all nations.
3 Let the peoples praise you, O God;
let all the peoples praise you!

I connect with Psalms 66 because for the first time in my life I really understand what it is for God to be gracious. I've accepted that grace - I live in that grace - I am lit by that grace. I am coming to understand his way and I'm confident in my direction. I have experienced and continue to experience his saving power and it lets me praise him. I am saved, soaked in his blood, lost in his grace. Redeemed. Justified. Bought. It is finished. I am his. Oh, how good he has shown himself to be. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! I don't have any money, none, but abundance - that I got.

Come Thou Fount

2009-02-22T22:58:00.005-05:00

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
Robert Robinson

I can't begin to describe how great church was today. It was an unusual service, Preach walked through this song - we talked about a verse and then sang it, yes one song over and over for 90 minutes. At first I thought it was going to be another gimmicky service that I would barely be able to tolerate, I was mistaken. Most of the sermon centered around Ephesians 2. You should read it right now - seriously - right now. What changed my mind about how the service would go was when preach got all emotional during reading that scripture. You have to understand that I love preach like I love few other people, he's not just my pastor he's one of my closest friends. Has been since high school. He's a couple months younger than me and in league with the most impressive men I've ever known. Preach has more depth for me than any other pastor I've sat under because I've seen him walk what he preaches. I've had the chance to do life with him and he has voice with me because he's earned it, not just because he has a title. I love him, so when he gets like he got today it moves me.

The entire service became an emotional and intense experience, but it nothing struck me as new and life changing until right at the end. We had finished Ephesians 2 and almost as a formality started going over the last verse, the one I have here. One of the things I like least about myself is just that: I'm prone to wander. I do things I despise, I fail in ways that seem almost intentional. I often feel like I'm sabotaging my spiritual life. I don't understand it, but it seems I can't help but take gradual little steps away from the Father. I despise it, I despise myself for it. Preach was talking about this tendency in himself and he said that he hates it.

That's it. Something about the way he bit into the word hate struck me. He really hates it. I do to, I hate it more that I can describe. I makes me sick. I've never really been able to separate myself form it and so there's always been this undertone of self loathing in my life. I know I wander and I know it's giving in to that tendency that's created or aggravated all the pain and darkness in my life. I know all the spirit vs. flesh arguments and the conflict between the already and the not yet, but nothing I've heard or read has allowed me to be able to separate from this part of myself. Satan has had a foothold in my life for a long time because of it. I've allowed him to use this to bathe me in guilt and shame. There was nothing I could do to shake the feeling that I deserved what I was getting. I've often felt there was no point in moving back towards God because I would eventually just wander off again. That lead into feeling like God thought the same way. It became difficult or impossible to believe that he would actually pursue me, what's the point. I'm that stupid dog that doesn't understand the fence is there to keep him home, where he's safe, and has to escape and run away. I mean, how many time do you bring him back. It's exhausting. Eventually everybody gets rid of that dog, or he gets run over. I prefer run over to given away.

Anyway, I couldn't separate from whatever it is in me that tends to wander and so I carried the same and guilt that goes with it. You can't carry those things and fully embrace the grace God offers. It doesn't feel right to allow His goodness to bind my heart to His carrying that disgusting shit. In that position I couldn't fully understand or the grasp the weight of the gospel. The moment preach said the word hate like that something in me changed. I wish so much I could explain what it felt like. I don't know how to describe it, but in that moment God moved, and that part of me was walled off and for the first time I saw it for what it is. I don't know, I've done a lot of confessing - I've begged for forgiveness, but today was the first time in my life I've felt free of guilt and shame - completely covered by grace.

Preach spoke of a season when God brought him into full understanding of the Gospel. I think today was my spring. All the pain and darkness of the last seven years were building to that moment today. I don't think I've arrived spiritually or anything stupid like that, I just feel like I might finally be in the game. I think for the first time I really understand what taking up my cross looks like. Call it my flesh or sin nature or whatever, for the first time I've identified it. I hate it and, with God's help, I will kill it. Tomorrow I'll probably have to kill it again. Daily I'll die - safely to arrive at home.

When I'm Thomas

2009-01-22T22:59:00.009-05:00

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,
Then I beg to be spared 'cause I'm a coward,
I'm a doubting Thomas,
I can't keep my promises,
'Cause I don't know what's safe,
oh me of little faith
-Nickle Creek

On my flight tonight I couldn't get this song out of my head. I'm pretty sure at one point I was still singing it when I pushed the talk button, so anyone listening to Knoxville ATC tonight, yea, that was me you heard singing. Today I found out that I'm taking another pay cut at work, this one was sprung on me real nice. I found out about it when I got my check and it was a couple hundred dollars less than I expected. It was a real good day. I spent a lot of time in the quiet dark of 6,000 ft asking God why. It's a question I've asked him before, but tonight he answered it clearer than I expected. This is the slap in the face I've been asking for. From the minute I started flight school I've been worried about the transition. The problem with flying for a living is that in the beginning you don't usually get paid squat. It's about building time and experience. I was worried that the money I made at my current job would be enough to dampen my passion for flying. I wondered if, when it came down to it, I would be able to walk away from a job that provided so well. I've often prayed that God would ease the transition -make it an easy choice. Well, he just did. He just didn't do it like I expected.

I love the image of Christ as a lion that C.S. Lewis uses in the Narnia books. I've thought and talked a lot about God being good but not safe. And yet when I see him move - when he uses his power and will to direct my life - when walls are torn down and doors opened in front of me - when he moves in response to my prayer - I'm terrified to walk the path he's made. I'm not sure the issue is whether or not God is safe. I don't know what's safe, and I don't think I need to. I need the vision to see the path God has laid in front of me and the guts to walk down it.

Tonight my mind keeps going to the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham was called by God to walk a path that seemed impossible. We all know the story, just when things seemed the darkest -when it seemed God was poised to take the thing Abraham loved most - God provided. I know that 2009 is going to be a difficult year. I'm going to be asked to do more with less. I will be stressed and stretched and exhausted, but I am confident that when it's over I'll be able to look back at this place in my life and give it the name Abraham gave the mountain he climbed that day with Isaac: Jehovahjireh - The Lord will provide.

Bury my Heart

2009-01-11T23:59:00.004-05:00

Things are starting to fall away. It's been a really long couple of months and I'm starting to feel like I or things in my life are being pruned. Things I used to count on aren't what they used to be. My job and my leg - neither one is as dependable as it used to be. I had begun to think my heart was going with them. Through the difficulty of the last several weeks I've felt surprisingly little. Now, I have a tendency to shut down emotionally sometimes, but this has felt different. I think I know the difference between shutting down and breaking altogether. This felt like the latter until a couple of days ago.

I had the opportunity this week to visit the house I grew up in, my family's home. We moved out about five years ago (about a year after my father died) and I felt like I left a lot of myself in that place, at the time it seemed to difficult to continue to carry it with me. The pieces were right where I left them.

I expected to be overwhelmed by anger and sadness over the loss of my father, I was, but I was also overcome with joy at some of the memories made in that place. I stood by the pool where my best friend and I spent so many summers listening to Billy Joel and pounding Mountain Dews. From the screened porch where I spent so many nights watching the rain I could see the neighborhood court where I learned to really play ball. The kitchen where Steak Night was born and the basement where we all made out all the time. The room where I first kissed my wife and the stair I was sitting on when she told me she loved me. It was all still there. So much of who I am was right there in that house. I was unable to take it with me when I left, but I'm thankful for the opportunity to go back and get it. I I feel burdened in a way I haven't felt in years. I feel heavy, but I feel complete. I know now that my heart still works - and I know why.

Questions

2008-12-17T21:57:00.011-05:00

I came for your questions of what you don’t know
But you can’t see the answers unless I go
So give me your hatred and give your diseased
Give me your tired and I’ll take them with me
-Jon Mclaughlin

It is a difficult time for my family. We find ourselves in a situation where money is tight and about to get much, much tighter. My first thought is that we won't be able to make it - I'm not sure how you get from where we are to where we have to go. Right now we are frustrated and stressed out in ways I'd never have imagined. I am stressed to the point of psychical exhaustion. I've begun to doubt - to worry.

It seems to me you can handle these types of situations three ways: loose yourself in activity so you forget, try to work harder in order to earn your way out, or open the word and hit your knees. I've done all three. In that order. It's odd to me that the last thing I try is the thing that seems to have the best success rate.

I heard the Jon Mclaughlin song today and it made me wonder how true those words really are. There is a lot of hatred and disease in the world and I am very, very tired. Is Jesus taking us with him? Did he really take those things on himself and rid us of them? A lot of times it feels like he didn't. There are certainly times when I experience love, and healing, and rest. However, right now, in the day to day, I don't feel those things and He seems far away.

Someone I love very much wrote a beautiful blog about Emmanuel - God is with us. She talks about God being involved in every aspect of our lives and how she (we) often miss it. There have been so many moments where I have experienced God. I have seen the earth from 6000ft - I know he is creator. I am sitting in a comfortable home - I know he is provider. I am well - I know he is healer. I have community, friends, and family - I know he is good. He is love. He is Father. I have a hard time with Emmanuel. It's in the tiny moments between moments that we discover if He is with us. The world is loud and these moments often go unnoticed. In times like these the question for me is not, do I experience Emmanuel? Because I don't - I'm missing it. The question for me now is, do I believe Emmanuel?

Breath

2008-12-04T23:31:00.010-05:00

I've been struggling lately. I feel like I'm right on the edge of a great move of God in my life, but the anticipation and resulting restlessness and silence are suffocating. As long as I've lived in the silence - as much time as I've spent waiting - I still don't handle it well. Lately I've thought I've done everything possible to get close to God. I've been intentional about creating time and space for him. I took a long flight last night for that express purpose. I was alone at 6000 ft - waiting. I took my ipod and listened to Christian music - I created the environment, He didn't show. I went to bed last night feeling like I'd done everything I could. Sometimes God shows up and sometimes he doesn't. He's the wind. Right?

As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. 2 Timothy 4:5

I read 2 Timothy tonight. I read pretty fast and tonight I was reading just to say I did it and kind of skipped over the first few chapters, but 4:5 caught my attention. This is what I've been feeling lately. I have to do something. I don't know what, but I really feel like I need to be more actively following Christ. I really think I've got the sober-minded thing ok and I know I've endured some suffering, it's the last parts I'm on now. Do the work of an evangelist - I have no idea what that would look like in my life, I'm sure I'm not called to be a vocational minister. So how do I fulfill my ministry? How do I know what my ministry is? This verse is comforting because it confirms that I do have a ministry - the desire to fulfill it is there. I just don't know what it is. After this verse grabbed my attention I went back and re-read the verses preceding it. I found two things:

1. What I don't want to be but fear I am fairly often.

For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power... 7 always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth... they will not get very far. 2 Timothy 3

Way too much of that sounds like me. In this moment it's the part about always learning but never arriving at knowledge of the truth that scares me. I think that's exactly the question I've been asking myself. With all of the reading and meditating - with the time and space I've created - why am I not getting it?

2. I haven't been reading the right things.

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. 2 Timothy 3

I read some really great blogs and some really powerful books written by some brilliant and gifted people, but I don't loose myself in the word of God. The last place I think to look is the one place with ALL the answers. I need to be taught - trained. The middle of this passage points directly at the two things I want most to be: A man of God - competent. That's right, competent. I would like to be great, famous and wealthy. I would love to be respected and remembered, but at my core - in the distant places of my heart - I want most passionately to just be enough. I can think of nothing grander than to be a competent man of God. I want, so completely, to do every good work- to be equipped - to fulfill my ministry. When I take time to read the Bible it always points to one place to find those things. I need to be close enough to God to be consumed by his breath - to be lost in his word.

The Ox and Lamb Kept Time

2008-12-01T00:36:00.006-05:00

I just can't shake this felling that I need to be doing something. I've spent so much of the last six years in cruise control - waiting. That has to stop now. I think it has or is beginning to. I do think flying is a step in the right direction for me. I'm doing something, finally. I'm really excited about it, and kind of proud of it, but I'm finding it difficult to be satisfied with just doing.

Mark 13.33-37: “But about that day or hour no one knows, neither the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Beware, keep alert; for you do not know when the time will come. It is like a man going on a journey, when he leaves home and puts his slaves in charge, each with his work, and commands the doorkeeper to be on the watch. Therefore, keep awake– for you do not know when the master of the house will come, in the evening, or at midnight, or at cockcrow, or at dawn, or else he may find you asleep when he comes suddenly. And what I say to you I say to all: Keep awake.

This is a pretty well know little piece of scripture, I can't tell you how many Sunday School lessons I sat through on it growing up in church. We talk a lot about being ready, we sings songs and write books about being left behind. We want to make sure everyone is saved. I'm all for that, please don't misunderstand, nothing excites me more that seeing people come to Jesus, but I sometimes feel like we leave it at that. Like once you're saved you're ready and you can kind of take it easy. I'm not sure I'm ok with that. Recently the phrase in these verses that stands out most to me is, "each with his work." I just can't shake the feeling that I've got to be doing something.

Matthew 25.14-19: ”For it is just like a man about to go on a journey, who called his own slaves and entrusted his possessions to them. To one he gave five talents, to another, two, and to another, one, each according to his own ability; and he went on his journey. Immediately the one who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and gained five more talents. In the same manner the one who had received the two talents gained two more. But he who received the one talent went away, and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.”

Every time I read these verses I want to quantify. It seems natural to me that the guy with ten is better than the guy with one. Ten is better than one, it seems so simple. It's not. It seems to me that maybe the issue isn't how many points they finished with, maybe the point is whether or not they were willing to play the game. We know the master gave out the talents according to ability, he knew the third servant wasn't going to be able to do much. I wonder if the master would have been angry if the third servant lost his talent in the market. I don't think he would have. He knew the servant had limited ability, I don't he would have been surprised to find him with nothing. I think the master was angry because the servant didn't risk anything. He should have taken what he had and used it to engage a world desperate for the master's influence.

My all time favorite Christmas song is The Little Drummer Boy. I love it. It may be my favorite thing about Christmas. I have about a dozen versions of it on my Ipod and around this time of year I can always blame it on FM radio if someone catches me cranking it in my truck. I love that song. So much of it appeals to me, I feel like a little boy most of the time - I never have anything fit to bring - I consistently find myself lost in the loving smile of our Savior. I'm convinced that's the point. You may not have much - no resources - very little ability, but you've simply got to engage in any way you can. It's our calling and our command to play our best for Him. Pa rum pum pum pum.

Moved

2008-11-21T14:40:00.006-05:00

I got to fly twice on Wednesday. It was awesome. I flew a Cessna 172 over to Crossville and then a Piper Warrior to Greenville. It was so clear you could see forever, on the night flight you could see Knoxville from about 30 miles out. Perfect day to fly. I think the total on both the flights was just under 4 hours. It was a good day. I think a lot of what I loved about it was both flights were with other people who love to fly. I found myself wondering, out loud, why everyone doesn't do this. Both times the other person up with me echoed the sentiment. It was really nice to not have to worry if they were enjoying themselves. They loved just being up there, it wasn't the company or the experience, it was enough just to be at 6000ft. Why doesn't everyone love this like I do? It's difficult to understand how anybody could see the world from there and not be moved. Really moved. How can you fly and not think, this is what I'm supposed to be doing? I half expected the other people I've taken up to, upon landing, mortgage their houses or sell their kidneys or something just to be able to do it again. That didn't happen. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. I heard words like fun - nice - great - awesome. Those are fine - polite ways to describe it, but they don't do it justice. For me, flying is not fun or nice - it's life changing. It's passion - a calling. Something I can't shake or let go of. I have to do it. It's become a part of me.

I have this same kind of experience at church, a lot. I've talked about the fund raiser we had the other night, it happened there. Several people who had never been to our church were there, people who aren't a regular part of that community. They had fun, it was nice. What? I really believe that kind of community is what we were created for. I believe the heart of Jesus was blatantly on display. I don't see how you could be in that room and not feel God's love and grace. It was not nice or fun, it was life changing. How could anyone be there and not be moved? Really moved.

Strength to Fight Back

2008-11-18T22:56:00.019-05:00

In The Meantime - you should check this out. Another great writing about the waiting.

But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.
James 1:24

But you either be the one mad cuz you trapped, or the one huntin
Trapped in your own mind waitin on the Lord
Or huntin wit the word that cuts like a sword

Let me take your hand, guide me
Ill walk slow but stay right beside me
Hide me, hold up I take that back
Protect me and give me the strength to fight back!
-DMX-

It's been a really strange week for me spiritually. Something is changing. For the longest time I've been waiting, I really felt like that was all I could do. The night had fallen and all I could do was wait for the dawn I knew was coming. It was such a big deal for me to actually be able to believe light was possible I found rest and peace in the waiting. Somewhere in the dark I became restless, I needed something to do - something to call my own - I needed a dream. God provided. He awoke a passion in me that I thought died six years ago. On November 2 the first part of that dream came together. I am a private pilot. Since I was a very small boy I've wanted to fly airplanes, now I can.

I really expected to be concerned with only two things these days, waiting on dawn and flying. I've been feeling a little like that isn't enough (changing the address of this blog to Advance the Dawn should have been my first clue). It seems lazy or something. I feel like there has to be more. Why should I act in my professional life and not in my spiritual life? Someone once said that sometimes I wait well and sometimes I wait poorly. Well, I've been waiting poorly. I've confused waiting with inaction. I think this feeling of uneasiness with the waiting started with the In The Meantime blog I hope you just read. I don't want to be some stupid virgin falling asleep when I'm supposed to be waiting. I recently read the verses in James and found it interesting that when James talks about perseverance (I think its basically a tougher word for wait) he also says to be "a doer who acts."

Lately when I find myself praying "Let me take your hand, guide me. I'll walk slow but stay right beside me. Hide me." Something in me screams (in the voice of DMX), "Hold up, I take that back. Protect me and give me the strength to fight back!" It just seems to me lately that I've got too many weapons - know too much truth - Serve a God too big, to just sit and wait. I hate to say it, but it is as simple as DMX says, you're either in the trap or you're hunting. Why wait when you can hunt with the word that cuts like a sword?

So, what does that look like? How do you fight back? James tells us exactly what that looks like.

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. 1:27

Sunday night my church had a fundraiser to provide groceries to needy families in our community. We went to a great little jazz bar in downtown and had desserts and coffee while listening to some really great musicians. It was the best night of community and fellowship I've had in a while. Everything was donated so every penny of the ticket price went to putting food on tables. I felt pretty good about just being there. My job is slow right now and I'm trying to pay for flight school so money is tight. The ticket price was a big deal (in my own selfish little world). We had to stay home and eat sandwiches to be able to afford the tickets. I know, its pitiful, an American eating sandwiches at home. There is a Five Guys in our town for crying out loud. So, I've made the sacrifice. I was there, but I kept hearing both James and DMX in my head (they make an interesting duet). The beautiful young lady who organized the whole thing made this statement (roughly), "there are people going hungry in our community and I am not ok with that." Dammit, I'm not either and I'm going to do something about it. I thought about the small amount of money in my wallet and my even smaller bank account, and then I thought about the widow and all her might.

2and he saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins. 3And he said, "Truly, I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them. 4For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on." Luke 21

I love the symmetry of the Bible. God uses the widow to both show us how to fight and as a powerful reminder that we can. We have the strength to fight back.

Hands

2008-11-11T23:54:00.007-05:00

And he knew it was love
It was one he could understand
He was showing his love
And that's how he hurt his hands
-Nickel Creek

I went on a short flight over to Crossville tonight. It gave me the opportunity to really be alone. The weather wasn't great, it was raining off and on and visibility was poor. I say really alone because the clouds above me blocked out the moon and stars and the there isn't much between here and Crossville. I don't know of a time I've ever felt further removed from everything. Once I got outside Knoxville's airspace I turned the radios down and listened to the IPod. Tonight was a Nickel Creek night.

During The Hand Song I found myself looking at my own hands. These are hands that can fly an airplane. Hands that carry my daughter to bed. Hands that hold my wife. Hands that wear a symbol of my marriage and a reminder of my father. I was feeling pretty good until I noticed the small scar on the knuckle of the pinkie finger on my right hand. A scar I got winning a fight in the 8th grade. The same hands I use to hold my daughter I've used to bloody. These are hands of violence. Hands literally marked by violence and anxiety. Mine are hands scarred by my sin. So are His.

I know it was love. Its not really the same, but I've held my child up in scarred hands. I can't explain it any better than that. It's a love I can understand.

When I Come Back Down

2008-11-11T22:55:00.009-05:00

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
-Nickel Creek

This song is so amazing to me. It speaks directly to and about me. I got my pilots license about a week ago. It was the single greatest achievement of my life. The one and only time I chased a dream and actually made some progress toward catching it. I find relief in finally finishing something. I know I still have a long way to go before this path I'm on finds its end, but its so nice to cross that first checkpoint. I've written before about the peace I find in flying, about the focus and clarity it often brings. The only other activity that's ever even come close to providing those things is writing.

I'm not sure I would have ever found the desire or will to pursue a career in aviation if it wasn't for writing. Its interesting to me that amidst the joy and release of flying I almost let it slip away. I forgot why I started writing - lost touch with that part of myself. Just a few days ago I spent a lot time talking about how in succeeding I learned what it is to finish, to resist the urge to quit. Yesterday I quit. Its amazing that I didn't even see it. I really thought blogging had run its course, that I was finished.

I'm so thankful to have people who are my solid ground. Its nice to have someone care when you fail. I'm thankful to have people who simply won't stand for it. Yesterday I quit. Today I got, "like hell you do." So, here I am.

6000 Feet

2008-11-11T22:54:00.001-05:00

Tonight I took my wife flying. I got my license yesterday and today it became obvious all the work I put in was worth it. I can't tell you how amazing it was being up there with her. It just felt right. It seems writing and flying do about the same thing for me - I like flying much better. The world seems so quiet from up there, everything kind of fades a little. Down here I find comfort in words and stories - up there its in space and distance. I don't know how to describe it really, but I feel better connected to myself. I feel like a bit of a bad-ass and yet somehow humbled. I feel accomplished and small. I feel like man and a child. I know that sounds really cheesy and I'm sorry, I just don't know how else to describe it. Its the same basic feeling I had the day I got married and day my daughter way born. I think its the feeling of being in a moment you know you were specifically created for. I was supposed to marry my wife, I am the father God chose for my daughter, and flying is clearly what I'm supposed to do. Its ridiculous to compare flying to those things, and obviously its not in the same league, I just don't know of anything else to compare it to.

At church last week we had one of those "keep your chin up" kinds of services. I know they're necessary right now, people are freaking out. I'm not. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, its the first time in my life I've been even remotely sure of that (aside from moments previously mentioned). Anyway, the message was about a really dark time in Israel's history. They had been under siege for so long they were basically living in a sewer, oh, and all they had to eat was each other. So their army ran away and their king had his eyes put out and his sons killed and then their city was burned and they were made into slaves. It was a rough couple of years. So they find themselves slaves in some Godforsaken foreign land and throw in the towel. They hang their harps in poplar trees and refuse to sing songs to or about God. I sort of know how they feel, hell, I've been there. Hung my harp right up in some stupid tree and walked away. So I'm sitting there in the service thinking it sounds about right. I mean, what would you do in a situation like that? I know what I do, I quit.

About this point I start getting real uncomfortable, not because the message is getting to me but because I begin to see what they plan on doing with that huge tree they've got sitting on stage. They plan on making me walk up there and in front of everybody take a little paper harp off the tree and promise never to put it up there again. I hate that crap, I really do. We all know no one takes that seriously. Its peer pressure. Its like when everybody at that made for TV church down the street stands up at the same point in the final worship performance (usually coincides with the climax of the song and a spectacular light show). We all know few of those people are actually moved by the song, I'd bet most of them are so busy thinking about lunch they don't even realize they've stood up. Its mob mentality. You can't force people to make a decision with peer pressure - you can't make me so uncomfortable I have to act. I will not make a decision for Christ because everyone is watching and I'm embarrassed not to or because the really spiritual people are doing it. Its not real that way. That being said, there is a pair of jeans in my floor right now with a little paper harp in the back pocket.

Here's the thing, this time I was one of the few. It was real for me. I don't want you to think I wrestled with it and came to a decision. God was very clear in that moment that this decision was not mine to make. I've just recently gotten my harp down, I don't get to put it back. I got angry and quit once before. The question now becomes; did I learn my lesson? I think I did. I know where that road leads. I'm not exactly on fire in my spiritual life right now. In fact, things are pretty quite on the God front. Its been quiet before, but this is different. I know where I'm going now. I've been a quitter before; I quit teams, I quit school, I quit jobs, relationships, and church. I quit on myself and on God. Somewhere in those stupid paper harps God reminded me that I'm not that guy anymore. I'm on the other side now. I've come to far to ever quit again.

Tonight I got to feel what it was like to finally succeed. I didn't have a senior season (in college)- I don't have a diploma. Tonight was the first time in a long time, if not ever, that I achieved something I set out for. Tonight I learned what it feels like to succeed. It changes everything.

I think the decisions I've made in the past will affect my relationship with God for a long time. I don't think of him the same way and he doesn't deal with me the same way. I think this is how our relationship is going to be; times of intense passion and growth followed by deafening silence and searching. Tonight, in the quiet distance of 6000 feet, I was reminded of what it will take to find success in my spiritual life. I have no choice, throwing in the towel is not an option. I will continue to sing, continue to play, and continue to wait.

Beneath My Feet

2008-11-11T22:51:00.002-05:00

Lead me back to the canyon;

Show the waters deep,

You know the healing begins in the Canyon

Let it be the portion of earth beneath my Feet.

Jesus, be the portion of earth beneath my feet.

-Ed Cash

Ed is referring to a rafting trip he took through the Grand Canyon and the way he experienced God in that place. Every time I hear this song I think of my places - places that have been beneath my feet at times when I have really experienced God. Loveland Mountain in Colorado where I discovered God's awesome creative power and beauty. The Beaches of Ocho Rios, Jamaica and Myrtle Beach, South Carolina where I first played in the ocean with my wife on our honeymoon and my daughter on our first family vacation. There is a barren mountain top in Peru where I found a heart for the oppressed, the poor, and the hungry. There are lakes, hunting leases, and back porches where my father became my friend. There's an overlook in Lenior City where I've left so many unanswered questions, and lonely roads through the Smokies where I've found so many answers. These are places that are special to me, places that feel Holy. Sometimes I think that if I ever get to visit some of these places again I may not be able to resist the urge to take my shoes off. These are the locations of my burning bush, places my heart has built alters. Tonight when I heard this song none of these places came to mind.

I've often given the church a hard time. I've been pretty upset with the church in general for quite some time now. That's beginning to change. In small group this week we talked about the great commission. The topic of people being hurt by the church was brought up. It got me talking about this guy I know that I generally feel is horrible at telling people about his faith. He does it often, and I respect that, but the way he does it bothers me. It turns a lot of people off. You can see people's eyes glaze over and feel the energy drain from the room when he starts talking about Christianity. I've always wanted to avoid being associated with or compared to him. I want to say, "I'm not like that. That's not me." The problem that I'm starting to see with that is that in the only way that matters I am like him - he is me. We are brothers. Part of the same body.

I learned this lesson for the first time several years ago. I was going through a rough patch and so I starting acting like a real ass. I said some really mean things to people that I really love. One night on the way home from dinner my wife was getting on me about it and I told her that I didn't see what it had to do with her. She informed me that if I kept acting like a jerk no one was going to want to hang out with us anymore. She said that if people quit wanting me around she would end up stuck at home with me all the time and never get to see her friends. It turns out no one is going to call my wife and ask her to come hang out and insist that she leave her jerk husband at home. We are so closely connected that you can't take one and leave the other. You get both or neither.

I've been guilty of asking people to do that with the church. I don't think it can work that way. It doesn't do any good to say to someone that has been hurt by the church, "well, that church sucks. We aren't like that. It won't happen to you here." That's a lie. We are like that. It probably will happen to you here. We cannot separate ourselves from the body of which we are a part. It wouldn't do my wife any good to say, "sorry my husband's a moron, but I'm really nice and will make a good friend." People will reject her for her association with me, no way around it. I think in that situation she did the only thing you can do. She had a difficult, honest, and (until now) private conversation with me and I'm betting she prayed real hard and real consistently that I would get my act together. I'm now convinced that's the way the church should handle its differences.

I've been thinking about this for a while now, but it wasn't clear to me why until I heard Canyon tonight. I've always know that I'm a person of extremes. I'm either hot or cold. On or off. Lately I've been off. For some reason I starting reading over my blog again today and it was a great reminder of where I've been, who I am, and the way God has moved in my life. I also noticed something else - I either write a lot or not at all. God is either the most important thing I my life or I shut him out all together. Tonight as I began again to wrestle with my relationship with God all these passages of scripture, old testament stories, and parables began running through my mind, it was like a snapshot of who God is and what he wants from and for me. It was me revisiting my foundation. Reconnecting with a truth so deeply buried in my heart that no amount of abuse from the world will ever be able to shake it loose.

Tonight as I listened to that familiar song it wasn't mountains and beaches my heart retreated to, it was Sunday School rooms and AWANA classes. It turns out the church I so often criticize and try to distance myself from was, is and always will be my foundation. It is the portion of earth beneath my feet.

Little Boy Heart Alive

2008-11-11T22:51:00.001-05:00

Open the door and run outside

Your little boy heart alive

Into the morning light

Into the deep and wide

Feel the beat of a distant thunder

It’s the sound of an ancient song

This is the Kingdom calling

Come now and tread the dawn

Come to the father

Come to the deeper well

Drink of the water

And come to live a tale to tell

Pages are turning now

This is abundant life

The joy in the journey

Is enough to make a grown man cry

With a little boy heart alive

Take a ride on the mighty lion

Take a hold of the golden mane

This is the love of Jesus

So good but it is not tame

Ever the road goes on and on

Ever the road goes on and on and on

-Andrew Peterson

I've felt really run down lately. Starting to feel old - In a lot of ways I'm starting to be old. I think maybe I'm a little bored. I'm not sure why that is, I think it may have something to do with my job. I'm not a big fan of it right now. I'm thankful to have it, but its wearing me out a little. Things aren't going as smoothly now as they have in the past. Things are tight, its hard to sell anything right now. Last year was a great year and that's killing me this year. I never used to miss my goals but I've been missing bad lately. The thing that's frustrating is that I'm working harder than I did last year. I bet my managers doubt that, but I am. I'm working harder and making less money. That sucks. What really sucks is I get the feeling people at work think I'm slacking off or don't care. Not true, but I can see how they would think that. I really think it has very little to do with anyone else in the office, it's hard for me to go in there everyday knowing I'm failing. It sounds dramatic to me to say failing but that's what it is. I hate failing.

So that's where I was when I heard this Andrew Peterson song today. Old. Tired. Bored. Unsuccessful. It sucks to be any one of those things but to be all four at once makes it really difficult to not throw in the towel. I was driving around trying to find the energy to make the next call when I heard Little Boy Heart Alive on the Ipod. It's not a song I listen to often. I don't have it memorized. I loved it today. I love it for its references to The Chronicles of Narnia (The Dawn Treader book is my favorite and the part about the lion not being tame is about the best part in the whole series). There is so much in this song I would love to spend time with (distant thunder, ancient song, kingdom calling, tale to tell just to name a few) but I think more importantly for me today is why it moved me the way it did.

I think it reminded me of the life I should be living - a life I lost touch with. It's the life I've been designed to live. I was beginning to get all John Eldridge thinking what I needed was a little adventure. You know climb a mountain, shoot an Elk kind of stuff. The thing is that's not really the way I live. I mean I go hiking like once every five years or so (I do still live in East Tennessee) but it's not like I can do that all the time. Besides that crap's exhausting to. I didn't stay with the Wild at Heart stuff long (I love and recommend that book). It occurred to me that I'm doing the man thing just fine. No, its not being a real man that I forget how to do. It's being a boy. I forget how to play - what it is to play. I'm Captain Hook.

I started to get really depressed about it. I can't pretend. I literally have no imagination left. What this song helped me do today was connect those feelings of play I experienced as a boy with what I get to do as a man. I began to remember all the things I do that feel like play. I fly an airplane like three times a week. What little boy doesn't dream about that, I sure did. I promise taking off in a real airplane makes you want to laugh in a way throwing a paper one never could. Just last week I played in the ocean with my best friend (who also happens to be my wife). Several months ago I ran through Dollywood, that's right, Dollywood, and rode roller coasters in the rain. I run in the yard with my dog. I play peek-a-boo, with my 11 month old daughter, but still it's peek-a-boo. Can't play that without either feeling like a kid or a moron.

I am designed to play. Play is one of the few things we didn't have to be taught to do. If we take time to remember we all know how. In the busyness that is our lives we get bogged down in responsibility and concern. We worry and work and struggle. We forget to play. Today I was reminded that I can and should still play - that my little boy heart is still alive.

Truth Into Shadows

2008-11-11T22:50:00.001-05:00

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. -C.S. Lewis-

Tonight was slow. I've said, and thought lately, that God often causes pain or hurt in order to slow things down and get our attention. Tonight things slowed down for me again. I told someone once that I think the two ways Satan gains influence in our lives are with God's permission and with ours. Tonight I gave him an in and he took it.

I'm not sure how it happens. Something bad happens and I go numb. Tonight it was Wii. Most of the time its TV or the Internet. I make noise - I ignore. It didn't work for me tonight. I'm not sure it ever really does. Anyway, I let my guard down. I began to feel sorry for myself. Before I knew it Satan had gotten in. I really hate him. He reminds me of all the things I hate in myself. When Satan brings the hurts of my past to the surface it's not heal them, he picks at them - inflames them. I swear, for a minute tonight something in me hurt in a way I haven't felt in a long time. The kind of hurt that makes your stomach knot up and your fist clinch. The kind of hurt you can't control or understand. Tonight I gave Satan just a little window and he drug all the darkness I've spent the last eight years burying back in through it.

One of the things I've come to love most about my Savior is his willingness to be where I am. If I've learned anything in recent years it's to look for him. I read the story of Nicodemus' encounter with Jesus recently. When John talks about Nicodemus he refers to him as the man who came to Jesus by night. Yes, in fear and uncertainty Nicodemus came to Jesus by night - but he came. It's interesting to me that the story doesn't mention that Nicodemus knocked on the door and woke Jesus up. It doesn't mention Jesus stumbling to the door in his pajamas wiping the sleep from his eyes. I'm just speculating, but I imagine Jesus was already in the street, waiting. I imagine all the disciples and Jesus having one of those long dinners and Jesus excusing himself saying he'd like some fresh air. I imagine Nicodemus coming around the corner in the dark trying to figure out how he's going to talk to Jesus without anyone knowing only to find Jesus leaned against the wall waiting for him. What Nicodemus found was a savior eager to meet him. He got Jesus at his best. John 3:16, the most powerful and precise explanation of the gospel message, was spoken to one man - in the shadows.

21 And when Jesus had crossed again in the boat to the other side, a great crowd gathered about him, and he was beside the sea. 22 Then came one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jairus by name, and seeing him, he fell at his feet 23 and implored him earnestly, saying, “My little daughter is at the point of death. Come and lay your hands on her, so that she may be made well and live.” 24 And he went with him.

This is what I read tonight. I'm not sure how to explain why this hit me the way it did. I think it was probably the words "my little daughter" followed by "he went with him." You see, I think the reason I was so bothered tonight is because it's the first time I've really dealt with past failures since becoming a dad. It scared me a little. I was afraid somehow I would let her down the way I've let others down, that my hurt would become her hurt - my burdens her burdens. My little daughter deserves better than that, my little daughter deserves a daddy that Jesus goes with.

I'm reminded once again that there is no place my Savior won't meet me, no place he's unwilling to go. Tonight sin created a moment, but it was invaded by Truth. Tonight Jesus gently whispered truth into the shadows. Tonight I got Jesus at his best.

Nightfall

2008-11-11T22:49:00.002-05:00

I've had the memory of the same night playing over and over in my head for the last several days. I used that night as an example of a time when God's hand moved in the darkness - its a time God points to and says, "See, I was there in the night with you."

I had just left the hospital after being there with dad all day. He had a surgery that didn't go well, in fact, it did nothing but weaken him further and reveal more problems. Before the surgery there was hope - after there was none. The cancer that we thought was isolated in his liver had moved into his stomach and intestines. They were both shutting down. I don't remember much of what happened after we talked to the doctor. There was a lot of crying. I didn't. I was numb. The rest of the night at the hospital is kind of hazy. I don't remember getting in my truck to drive home, but I remember my phone ringing. It was late and I was driving, but I figured talking to someone would be a good distraction. It was Claire. "How's he doing?" It was a question I had heard countless times in the preceding several months but something about the way she asked it moved me. My mind flashed back over my friendship with Claire and I knew it was safe. I could tell her. "He's dying, Claire." It was the first time I admitted it to myself, and for the first time since dad got sick I cried. In my truck on Alcoa highway in the middle of the night a call from a dear friend allowed me to begin to deal emotionally with losing my father. When I got home several of my best friends were already at my house. It wasn't unusual. They did that a lot. I'm not sure what I would have done if they hadn't been there. God uses that night to show me that he has surrounded me with community. That he does provide. That he is there when you need him. It boggles my mind that he points to that night.

"He's dying, Claire." I felt it happen. I know that was the moment. As those words left my mouth I quit believing God is good. The truth of those words was more powerful than anything I had learned in Sunday School. My faith failed - my world darkened - night fell.

Like A Bridge

2008-11-11T22:49:00.001-05:00

When you're weary, Feeling Small. When Tears are in your eyes; I'll dry them all. I'm on your side when times get rough...

When you're down and out...When evening falls so hard; I will comfort you. I'll take your part. When darkness comes and pain is all around, like a bridge over troubled water I will lay me down. -Simon & Garfunkle

It occurs to me, because it’s been pointed out, that the presentation of my story here is incomplete. I've left out a key figure - told a story without one of its leading characters. I've done this primarily because she is, quite simply, more than I have words to express.

I met Kyla for the first time when I was in the eighth grade. She was so cute. It was her eyes I noticed first, which is pretty remarkable for a 15 year old boy, anyway, she had brilliant green eyes, curly brown hair, a smile that could (and continues to) light up the darkest night, and this laugh that just makes you want to sing. She'll roll her eyes at this, but I've loved her since that night. I got to hang out with her again at a couple of different parties that summer, and just before school started back it happened - we danced. It was one of those awkward middle school dances, but I knew (the best you can at 15) that I'd never really be able to hold anyone else. I asked her out a couple weeks later, actually I don't think I did, I think she just hit me with a preemptive no. I spent the next few years totally alone, unable to enjoy the company of other girls. Ok, that's not entirely true.

Our senior year I started going to her church. We'd all go out after church and she and I would ride together or sit next to each other. I slowly began to remember how I felt that night we danced. It wasn't long before I was totally crazy about her again. One night after church everyone was going to a restaurant that I didn't care for so I decided to just go home. Kyla decided to go have sandwiches with me. We had grilled cheeses, and then made out. That was almost ten years ago.

Since then our stories have been the same, or are so interwoven it’s impossible to tell them apart. Everything that I've experienced, thought, or felt in the last decade she's been a part of. It’s difficult to know how to incorporate her into simple versions of my story because she has been so many different things. Kyla is my best friend. She has been girlfriend and fiancé - companion and playmate. She is my shelter - my home. She is a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold. She is my sail and my anchor. She is salt and light. She is my daughter's mom and my lover. She gives me hope and allows me to dream. She has, literally, enabled me to fly. She loves without limit and gives with all that she is. She is perfectly created for and uniquely equipped to handle me. She is all that I am and all that I'll ever be. She makes me better - she's the reason I want to be. She is my wife - my flesh - my story.

I had Bridge Over Troubled Water played at our wedding primarily because dad liked it, but, even then, it was clear that it perfectly expresses the way my wife loves. Kyla is my bridge. People talk all the time about having someone to take the journey of life with - Kyla is more than who I go with, she is how I get there.

Pieces of Heart

2008-11-11T22:48:00.001-05:00

Tonight was emotional for me. Tonight I said goodbye to one of the best friends I've ever know. She lives in New York so I'm not sure when I'll see her again. It was one of those bitter sweet moments when your heart breaks but at the same time your completely overwhelmed by love. Standing there holding her for one last goodbye in the cool night rain was one of those moments you hold on to. I kissed her head, told her I loved her, and then watched her disappear in my rear-view mirror. As the dark closed in and she faded from view I came apart a little. I knew I was leaving a little piece of me behind.

I hate goodbye. I really do. I suck at it to. Several months ago some good friends moved to Ohio. When we left their apartment on their last night here I kicked their damn U-Haul. I didn't know what else to do. Goodbye is so bad for me that if you invite me over to your house you'd better be prepared to have me there for a while. Its so hard to leave. I hate to give up the moment.

I once told someone that I didn't ever really miss anybody. I'm not sure why I said it, its an outright lie. The truth is - I miss people constantly. I'm overly sensitive to the void people leave behind. I often think moments are as affected by the absence of people as they are anything else. The day I got married - had a baby - bought my first truck, I felt my dads absence. When I tee off at Lambert I hate that Meeuwsen isn't here. During quiet dinners, loud parties, and afternoons by the pool I miss me some Claire. It occurs to me that I have pieces of my heart scattered all over the place. Family in California and Georgia - friends in Ohio, Texas, South Carolina, New York, and Chattanooga. I miss them all - all the time. As I drove away form my friend tonight I remembered the pain of goodbye.

Its seems almost cruel sometimes the way we have to relive our hurts and failures. I do believe that things in my spiritual life have turned around. For so long I ran from God, now I'm headed back home. I love knowing that I'm now headed in the right direction - I hate that its on the same road. I wasn't prepared for this. I find myself hitting the same potholes I thought I had left behind. The slippery slopes of rebellion that I had so easily slid down before have become mountains I have to climb. I'm not saying I want to get off the road and I'm definitely not saying I want to turn around, its just difficult sometimes. I've driven to Colorado a couple times and I can safely say I hate driving I-70 through Kansas. If I didn't know what kind of skiing the Rockies had waiting for me driving Kansas would make me want to kill myself.

God is faithful to remind me. When I got home tonight I put my daughter to bed. She fell asleep in the truck on the way home so I had to move her from the carrier to her crib. It was one of the sweetest moments of my life. She didn't really wake up when I picked her up but she breathed real heavy like she knew she was home. As I moved her she snuggled into my chest with her head on my shoulder. I couldn't put her down. I stood there in the dark for a long time just listening to her breath. I can't explain what it his to hold your child close to you like that. I do know that I would have done whatever it took to get her home.

Dedicated

2008-11-11T22:47:00.000-05:00

For this child I prayed. -1 Samuel 1:27

Its clear to me this world is not our home - that we were not meant for this life. There is something inside us that screams - I want more, I am more, I want to go home. Its an odd feeling - missing a place you have never been, longing for a life you've never had. These feelings often come to me at the weirdest times and usually only in small flashes. In times of betrayal, hurt, and loss its there - You know something just isn't right, not only with this moment but with this place. Its there in the good times as well. When we celebrate life, triumph, and community it sneaks in - we know there is still something more. If we're honest I think we would say that its always there - lurking in the deepest places of our souls. We are homesick. It has always been difficult for me to understand how I could long for a home I had never seen - miss a place I have never been - love something I have never known.

My best friends' sons were dedicated to the church today. It has been a beautiful day. We got to stand with them as they gave their boys back to the Lord - it was not as dramatic as the way he gave them us (yes, us). The boys were born premature and had to spend the first 47 days of their lives in the NICU. For 47 days God was faithful, through the highs and lows - joy and pain He was there. For 47 days their parents watched the hand of God work in that hospital. For 47 days I learned what it was to miss what I had never seen - to love what I had never known.

Prodigal

2008-11-11T22:46:00.000-05:00

I came across a blog about a week ago by a guy named John. The battery on my laptop went dead and I lost the page before I got a chance to really read it. I'm not sure how to find it again, but the few sentences I read have really had an impact on me. Most of what I'm going to put here comes directly from what I remember of his post. John, if you happen to stumble across my blog the way I stumbled across yours, thanks.

I re-read the story of the Prodigal son again a few weeks ago. Its not my favorite story in the Bible. I don't care for it because in my experience its not actually how things work. I've talked a little about my anger and rebellion and attempt to return home. When I turned for home I felt like God had moved or something. My story is the Psalms 13, "how long will you hide from me? Will you forget me forever?" Kind of story.

I think the problem for me was not that I got home and God had moved so much as I had turned for home I just hadn't gotten there yet. It seems I ran further than I thought. I talked in an earlier post about the day I came across Psalms 13 and felt like God had cracked the door in a dark room. I couldn't see much, but I had a direction. For the purposes of this story that day was the day he turned the porch light on. I'm on my way home, its night and the road in dark but I know the way and I'm sure He's waiting.

This is the mind set I had when I read the prodigal son last week. I thought in this new frame of mind I would enjoy the story more. There was something about it that still made me uncomfortable. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't real excited about coming home until I read John's blog.

I've said before that I learned some things growing up in church that turned out to be destructive. I was told at an early age that when I died, at the judgment, I would have to give an account of my life. I was told that at the judgment God would ask (something along the lines of), "Why should I let you into Heaven"? I hadn't really thought about it, but it turns out that was really affecting the way I approached God. In the story of the prodigal son it just didn't seem right to have the father run out to the son throw his arms around him and ask, "why should I let you come home"? We all know that boy didn't deserve to be allowed back in the house. I know that I don't either.

John suggested, and I now imagine that when the father met his son on the road that day the question may have been, Have you realized who you are? Its a much nicer question. It suggests that its your identity and not your actions that welcome you home.

On my journey I have learned more about who I am. The answer to that question is very close to my heart and still very difficult for me. Its something I haven't felt or said in a long time. The closer I get to home the more I feel it. I become increasingly aware of who I am. When the day breaks and the Father sees me in the distance I'm ready to meet him. When we meet and the question is asked I will fall into his embrace and say, "I am your son."

Labels

2008-07-01T13:35:00.006-04:00

I've been really trying to get into theology lately. I've come to one conclusion: I don't like the language of theology. I don't like it because I don't like being categorized. It seems you can't have a biblical discussion anymore with someone whose been a Christian longer than ten minutes without them throwing some fancy title at you. Why is it that people want to try and sum up what they believe in one word? (I'm OK if that word is Christian). Why do you need me to fit in a category? I think a lot of that is intellectual laziness. It would take a long time to really explain what you believe so you just put a big fancy word on it and hope people are so intimidated by your vocabulary that they don't ask anymore questions.

Maybe this bothers me so much because I defy categorization. I've spent quite a bit of time trying to decide which one of those theological labels fits me best. I can't find one. I think I may be looking in the wrong part of the Bible. I've been focusing on the New Testament, maybe the list of labels and corresponding outlines of their respective theologies is in the Old Testament. Right after the ten commandments, maybe I should look there. Leviticus sounds like a book that might be rich in Christian terminology (I already checked the concordance in my Bible, nothing).

What I do see in the Bible is a story of a God who loves - who pursues. I see healing and restoration. I see creation - redemption - salvation. I don't see labels. The Bible uses words like child - beloved- brothers and sisters. We are the church - the bride. We are set apart, known, chosen, and saved. We are joint heirs with Christ. If you must label me - if I must carry a tag. There is one title I'll proudly carry - one label I'll gladly wear. Hello, I am redeemed.

Lightning

2008-06-29T18:54:00.011-04:00

The reason lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice is that the same place isn't there a second time.
-Willie Tyler-

And His lightning conquered everything around
That dark had to flee
-Caedmon's Call-

Several nights ago I went outside to let the dog take a piss. It had been storming all day so it felt fresh. The air smelt clean and there was a slight breeze. It was really late (sometime between 1 & 2 in the morning) - quiet. There was no moon and the sky was clear over our house. I turned off the light on our mailbox and laid in the bed of my truck for a while. You could see more stars that night than I had ever seen from our house. The thing that made it so impressive was that there were thunderstorms all around. At the edges of my view there were huge dark clouds that were moving fast, but above me the sky was clear and still.

I felt and thought so much in that moment. I felt small and insignificant for a while. Then I began to feel like that night- the hole in the clouds - the breeze- the stars were all there for me. I'm not sure why God created the rest of the universe (maybe just because he could - for fun, maybe because he can't help but create, maybe its all just an overflow of his creative beauty) but that night I became certain that it was all there the proclaim his name to me, in that moment. I thought about how huge the universe is. I thought about how powerful light is. One tiny ray of light created by a distant star can penetrate billions (I'm sure that's too small of a number) of miles of space. I thought about my dad. I read somewhere that light from some stars takes so long to get to us that we may be seeing a star that burned out long ago. The star is gone, but its light remains.

My favorite thing about the other night was the lighting. It was all around me but I couldn't see it directly. I never saw a single bolt of lightning, but every now and then a distant strike would light up the sky. It would wash across my little opening in the clouds and all the stars would disappear. As quickly as it came it went away and I was left anticipating its next strike. That's often the way God shows up in my life. He has rarely been as bright or (obviously) consistent as the sun. I always have the feeling he's out there, somewhere just out of sight. It often becomes easier to focus on lesser lights. I get caught up in things, experiences, and relationships. They are my stars. I'll be cruising along fine and BAM, lighting. When God shows up its impressive. It becomes difficult or impossible to focus on anything else. In those moments everything else fades into the background and there is only Him. I am startled, often frightened. Stunned. Amazed. Completely in awe. I am comforted. Inspired. Moved and forever changed.

I've come to enjoy experiencing God this way. Do I long for dawn? Yes, more than anything. But there is something wildly exhilarating about knowing God is out there, just waiting. I think this is good for me because through most of my early life I was living a high noon type of spiritual life. I think I sort of took it for granted. I may have even come to resent it a little. I talked with a guy once that had spent several months in the Arctic Circle. The whole time he was there the sun never went down. He said it was nice for a while but it eventually became exhausting. He couldn't sleep, his body clock got all screwed up. He said he found himself hoping for and even seeking out darkness just so he could feel normal. I've said that but now I'm not sure its a great analogy. I never wanted to be out of the light, never sought darkness. I do think I became exhausted. My Christianity was based more on adherence to rules than reliance on grace. That'll wear you down after a while.

I have become thankful for the night. The transition was a bitch, but the rest is nice. Its here in the night that I've experienced times of real peace. I've begun to see and experience the heart of Christ. Growth isn't as constant as it might be in the sun, but when the lightning comes its powerful and change happens instantly. Between strikes there is calm - between them I find Jesus. Yesterday I was unable to understand and experience God and Jesus at the same time. I saw God's hand, but not Jesus' heart. I hope that when tomorrow comes I'll be able to simultaneously experience both (I think that's the center point of the cross). For now I'm grateful for the experience of the night - resting in the arms of Christ, waiting for lightning to strike again.